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Saturday, November 22, 2008

Men of the World Unite! (err, figuratively speaking only)


It was supposed to be an evening of good clean fun. A movie, dinner and inappropriate body searches at malls. You know, the usual.

We chose Dostana. Seemed like a nice movie. Priyanka Chopra, who last played a bold racist character in Fashion, seemed nice. Plus a movie named Dostana can’t go wrong now can it? Good clean wholesome fun about friendship, family and maybe even kheer. “They might even have a song or two on a motorbike with a sidecar”, I thought as I went into the theatre.

Twenty minutes into the movie I felt as a child would on being touched inappropriately by the very Catholic Priests who were supposed to teach him about God—betrayed, hurt and eventually angry.

I can recall the exact scene when my naiveté turned to outrage: John Abraham gets out of bed with one buttock clearly on display, his grey-coloured underpants askew.

The camera follows his behind for what seemed to be like an eternity.

It was horrible. Horrible.

I felt unclean, impure and violated. The girls in the audience—pigs all of them, pigs—cheered lustily. I bowed my head down in shame and prayed silently for my country.

What about the dignity of men? Does John have no shame? Ain't he sweet, making profits off his meat?

And what about the censors? Where the fuck are they? Would they have allowed Priyanka’s, admittedly exquisitely shaped, butt to be displayed to the world? Why do we have these double standards for men and women?

When Fire, a movie about two lesbians, was released look at the furore that was created. People wailed, “It’ll destroy India’s culture.” This, for a film where, if you ask me, the casting was all wrong. Who wants to watch girl-on-girl when one of the "girls" is Shabana Azmi?

Err, but that’s not the point. A film about two men who pretend to be gay, is released without a hitch. No protests. Nothing.

I mean where’s the Shiv Sena when you bloody need it?

36 comments:

Suchintya said...

awesome !!!

Pratz said...

lolz...where IS the shiv sena...when ya bloody need it...!!! [:P] ...so true...

Hades said...

Suchintya,

Thanks.

Pratz,

Seriously, man! I mean Biharis are small fry compared to this menace, man! :P

rahul said...

nice one man

Hades said...

Thanks, Rahul.

Siddharth said...

ROTFL!!!!!

youve outdone yrself man! Superb!

Tazeen said...

ummm i went to see the film a couple of days back and when the butt crack made its first appearance, i heard collective gasps, not cheers

I guess John's butt was not the choice butt on display ...

What's In A Name ? said...

I agree whole-heatedly with you on the 'equal standards for men and women' argument. All should demand a Fire remake with Piggy Chops and Shilpa Shetty in the lead-roles. What say ?

And about the "where are the Shiv Sainiks when you need them" here's something I thought we needed them to vent ire on a few days back :

http://caesar-caesar.blogspot.com/2008/11/of-heidi-klum-and-hedious-garbs.html

Hades said...

Tazeen,

Unfortunately, these Gurgaon kudis have neither sharm nor haya :P

What’s in name,

You should enter Bollywood, my man. Seriously. I’ll watch every movie made by you. Promise, God Promise. :D


Wrt to your post, with all due respect, I actually don’t agree with your contention.

I feel the maturity of a society is measured by how well it handles ridicule. Even when what is getting ridiculed is something as sacrosanct as the concept of God.

For this very reason, in my opinion, the Western Societies are extremely mature.

Do you watch South Park? It’s a hilarious American TV show which has, as one of characters, Jesus as the host of a talk show called Jesus and Friends. And they take poor ol’ JC to the cleaners, they do.

This, in a country where a man ruled for eight years on the plank of the 3Gs, where one of the Gs was “God”.

On the other hand, Pakistan released a movie in 1990 called International Gorillay which featured Salman Rushdie as a villainous Israeli agent who is eventually killed by a bolt of lightning from the Qur’an.

The movie also has a scene where Rushdie tortures a brave Pakistani fighter by reading from his book The Satanic Verses.

India has two choices: South Park or International Gorillay. Which one will she chose?

Btw, the movie has nothing to do with Apes or anything. “Gorillay” is the plural of the word Guerrilla in Punjabi. :D

Jhayu said...

@ Hades.
You actually thought this would be a clean Jay-Veeru type movie? Doesn't any form of media - radio, tv, print - come into contact with your life?

And yes, I find it highly offensive that women go to movies like this and cheer and hoot and do whatnot to themselves in the theatre, only to complain (and loudly, at that) about men not acting civilised when we some really fine female (gosh, I need to specify that now...) ass on screen.


Ain't he sweet; making profits off his meat?
Priceless!

Hades said...

Well, you got me there! I am guilty of a leeetle bit of exaggeration.

"Ain't he sweet; making profits off his meat?"

Ummmm, actually that little bit has been plag, err, inspired by a slogan that the feminists thought up to protest against the Miss America Beauty Pageant in the late 60s.

I just changed the pronouns.

Hades said...

Check this link out for the protest thing:

http://www.opinionjournal.com/taste/?id=110009825

The Quirky Indian said...

Very nice.....glad you stood up for our culture!

And that bit about Ms. Azmi - priceless!

Cheers,

Quirky Indian
http://quirkyindian.wordpress.com

Amrita said...

The Shiv Sena is gay for John Abraham.

Obviously.

Duh.

Hades said...

@QI,

I sure did, didn’t I?

Good to see that that you agree with my views on Indian culture and more importantly on Shabana Azmi.

@Amrita,

You obviously have no plans of coming to Mumbai in the near future. I do, however.

Hence this little disclaimer:

The views expressed in the comments section are solely those of the respective authors and do not reflect, in any way, the views of The Times of Bullshit and its author.

That sounds so cool! I should put it up permanently

Hedonist666 said...

John's butt on screen? I've got to see this movie!

Amit said...

Hey Hades!

That entry was priceless... had me lol'ing all the way. You've got some real talent.

Btw, I saw the movie too, and while I also squirmed at those things you talked about, i think one plus was that it at least introduced the Indian audience to the topic and presented homosexuality in a light hearted way, which could be a small but important step in making it acceptable.

I totally agree with you on that point about the maturity of societies. I want to talk to you about several things man. Hope to catch you some time in the office:-)

WeirdISgooD2 said...

eh....if he showed butt, i watch, but maybe not hoot. Passe to hoot and whatnot.
Nevertheless, what I did want to say is that your blog is fun to read, informative, and all u need now is pictures of naked doggies :P

Still, fun. Will keep coming back now.

Hades said...

Thanks, WierdisGood

Anonymous said...

I totally agree with you on this. This movie should have come with a warning "for gay audience only". This movie had such a strong gay vibe. I could not look at the screen when john and Abhishek kissed each other. That was far from being funny rather disgusting. What was the director thinking???

Jitender "Vicky" Bablani said...

Good one, but hey come on yaar it wasnt that bad of a movie. Haan instead of John's topless show, I would have enjoyed more of Priyanka or Shilpa. Chi... How pervert of me. Never mind nice post... Keep writing the good stuff. Also visit me at www.raawanism.blogpsot.com

Thor said...

@ Hades:

Do you write the same kind of articles about movies which have actresses walking around in skimpy bikinies?
The way I see it, John in underwear==mallika sherawat in a bikini...so...have u written a similar article about the movie Murder? if not, this article seems a liiitle hypocritical...

Hades said...

Do you write the same kind of articles about movies which have actresses walking around in skimpy bikinies?

Why should I? I love those movies!

this article seems a liiitle hypocritical...

Nope, it's VERY hypocritical.

:P

Pooja said...

Real funny man!

You have some real talent to be able to write an article like the terrorist one and this!

Keep it up!

What's In A Name ? said...

it was all in satire. The Shiv Sainik, MNS post by me.

Ankit Jain said...

I did found it silly to put John's ass on display, purely from the POV of it being unnecessary to the narration of the plot. But I'd stay clear from passing moral judgments on those who cheered the scene. And intervention of Sena is the last thing I'd ask for.

Thor said...

@ Hades: lol...

Apple Grew said...

This movie was indeed nothing but(t )sleaze feast for girls. There was absolutely no theme to it but just typical Bollywood Masala. BTW according to new news report John Abraham is now posing nude, well for PETA (http://www.bollyadda.com/2008/01/john-abraham-to-pose-nude-for-peta.html).

Hades said...

@Whats in a name: Ooops! *Red faced*

@Apple grew: John is getting too much, really. :P

And I don't get this whole PETA nude thingy. What good will it do to animals if you protest in the buff?

Anonymous said...

Would you have a problem with Pamela Anderson posing in the buff for PETA? Or our desi Rakhi Sawant?? Only i heard that she recently made a pledge to make her appearances only in saris...all people with y chromosome got extremely upset on hearing the news...wonder why?!

Anonymous said...

what the hell is wrong with all you people?
don't you understand good humor and comedy at all?
you say that john showing his butt was shameful..... maybe it was but not for him or many other women out there.
so why do you care? just skip the scene!
and about the whole gay issue, i think.. no i KNOW that this kind of movie is good for the world because what other better way of showing gayness then in a comedy with 2 hot guys and 1 hot girl?
welcome to the 21st century!
i urge you to reconsider your opinion in this movie from a different perspective.

Proserpina said...

I feel extremely stupid commenting on a post made year back...(how jobless am I?)
anyway...

to both the 'anonymous' posts..
:D Chill,they are just being guys. Don't we (am assumin you are all she ) roll our eyes when we see the bikini clad women and hoots from the Y chromosome in the theater or just cringe and bow our head down when we see the singers of T.A.t.u making out in their music videos? (with each other,not with guys,i mean)

As for the pamela Anderson question,clearly rhetoric,but I can't resist quoting Benny Hill,"I'm not against half naked girls - not as often as I'd like to be":P


And to the author,interesting blog,I must say..I spent my time 'Lol'ing through most posts. :D

Hades said...

I'm not against half naked girls - not as often as I'd like to be

Heh!

Thanks for the comment!

Proserpina said...

Anytime :D. I love your blog- it is so funny! (in a very caustic way,of course) 'its bhook-hartal time,baby' -LOL!


And you actually watch India TV? :O I understand they provide unintentional entertainment,but still..

Hades said...

Indian TV, but don't mind India TV either.

Also, it's funny that you have Proserpina as a nik.

Proserpina said...

Yeah,I noticed. Weird coincidence.

Or maybe I am this creepy girl near your locality who is stalking you. Be afraid,be very afraid...

*thinks hard* I like the coincidence theory better :P