An Open Letter to the Indian Cricket Fan

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(First published on NewsYaps)

Fellow BCCI™ Cricket Fans,

I am Ravi Kumar, a software engineer who lives in DLF™ Gurgaon. And I am sad. In fact I am downright angry. I am a regular Joe like you. I get up, take a Harpic™ dump, catch the Congress™ Metro, go to office, code and get back, tired as hell. Apollo Hospitals™life sucks, people, you all know that. If there’s one thing though that’s a bright Surf Excel™ spot in our lives, it’s the game of BCCI™ cricket. And what better showcase of that beautiful BCCI™ game is there than the Pepsi™ Indian Premier League. That brilliant idea in which India’s richest cities play for glory for two months of the year; and what a two months it is! Is there anything better than coming back from office and sitting down to 4 hours of the beautiful BCCI™ game? (The answer to that question, in case you were wondering, is ‘No’). A few Yes Bank™ Maximums and Maxmobile™ Strategic Timeouts later you’re on your way to bliss.

But lately that Kurl-On™ dream has been shattered. Shattered! (As I write this a Johnson’s No-More-Tears Shampoo™ tear rolls down my cheek). Apparently, there is Indian Parliament™ corruption in the IPL.  The BCCI™ game, pristine as it was, has been Daagh Acche Hain™ muddied.

Three Sahara™ players have been arrested by the Rapists ache hain™ Delhi Police for spot-fixing. Imagine that. It’s almost like all the games I watched and followed with Durex™ passion have no meaning anymore. It’s like, it’s all hollow. What will I do the next time someone hits a Yes Bank™ Maximum? Should I Vicks™ cheer? Or just sit there, knowing that it’s probably all a Red Chillies™ charade.  As an Airtel™ friend recently remarked, now that the BCCI™ cricket’s probably fake, all we’ll be left with is Karishma Kotak, Rochelle Maria Rao, the cheerleaders, the award ceremony, the hour long pre and post match TV shows and the after-parties. Sigh. This spot-fixing episode has clearly killed the game.

You know what this episode means though? It means that, at last, Ayn Rand™ greed has entered even the pure game of BCCI™ cricket. Earlier all cricketers played for was pride and KamaSutra™ love of the game. In fact, in just the latest Pepsi™ ad they show Dhoni enjoying the BCCI™ game so much that it warmed the cockles of my Hallmark™ heart. “What a man,” I thought. “Enjoys BCCI™ cricket even when shooting for an ad”. But all that’s dead now. This shows that the IPL was once all about the BCCI™ cricket but today...today players will even play for RBI™ money.

And what about the nation? Did these scumbags even once think about the millions of their fans who give up everything to watch them in Thums-Up™ action? This act is so anti-national that I won’t be surprised if ISI™ Pakistan is involved. Just take my example. What haven’t I done for the Pepsi™ IPL? I’ve regularly jumped red-lights on my way home from office because I’m usually late for the pre-match show. In fact, at one time I was even caught and had to bribe a policeman in order to wriggle out (missed the pre-match show that day, sadly). As I paid him the money, though, I had no regrets: nothing is too big a price to pay for the country. And why only me? Millions of our fellow countrymen give up productive work, family, friends and do their national duty everyday by plonking themselves down in front of the TV all evening. And it’s this great national sacrifice that these guttersnipes have mocked with this act. We might have hanged Kasab but till people like these are allowed to roam free, our nation will never be Bisleri™ safe, ladies and gentlemen, it’ll never be Bisleri™ safe.

It’s just greed is what it is. These players earn so much and still want to earn some more. Look at me. I own a car and a flat in a metro which puts me in the top 0.1% of Indians. But do I act greedy? Do I indulge in questionable tax-evading tactics to save just that little bit more? Do I back-stab people in office to get that promotion? Do I? The answer to all these questions is...er...well, since these are rhetorical questions I don’t really need to answer them. But I will say one thing: it is fun to sermonise. Wheee!

Anyhoo, gotta run now, guys. Arnab will be on TV soon thrashing everyone left, right and centre, demanding answers for the nation and making wrong-doers quake in their Bata™ boots. In fact, he’s just started! Look at his opening salvo: “We will be closely involved in this case because YOUR love for cricket is NOT for sale”. His EMI™ voice makes me go weak in the knees. And it sounds so goood on my new TV which I bought only because my favourite cricketer models for it. But I digress. Yes! My love for cricket is not for sale and it’s a shame what these people have done.

Now, Tata™.

A True Cricket Havell’s™ Fan,

Ravi Kumar

Chokers

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I'm usually a nice sort of boy but I felt this piece of Internet vandalism was sorely needed. Here's a snapshot of the Wikipedia article on Choker, updated post the World Cup's third quarter final match:

Heh.

My IPL is Bigger Than Yours

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The glee that quite few Indians have shown over the IPL saga is understandable—to quote from one of India's most popular bloggers, Great Bong, the reasoning goes something like this: “Now since we are talking about a country who about a year before butchered our citizens and who allow the perpetrators of that crime against humanity to walk their streets amidst adulation and approbation” what the IPL has done is perfectly allright. Hell, it’s super.

Which is a fine sentiment.

But the thing is, does this, in any way, actually help in preventing further instances of terror, or even punish those in Pakistan who are responsible for this sort of thing?

Well, no.

Hiring or not hiring 5 or so cricketers from a nation of 170 mln is going to make no practical difference to anything, least of all the foreign policy of that nation.

Of course, not all foreign policy need be purely practical; India might make a symbolic point. Fair enough, other than the fact that India did not make a symbolic point. A symbolic point would have been made if the Pakistani cricketers would not have been allowed to participate from the outset and it would have been made clear as to the “issue”, in Shahrukh’s words , behind the ban. In fact the Government made in unequivocally clear that there was no “hint or nudge from the government ” in this matter.

Even explanations such as “it is business decision” do not stand up to scrutiny. As Offstumped explains:

IPL as a private business has the right to do what it wants but that right is not beyond the ethics and values how any business must conduct itself. Tacit collusion by a cartel to discriminate against individuals based on origin doesnt speak highly of IPL’s ethics and values as a private business.

This whole episode was an exercise in bad judgement—no two ways about it.

Of course, not be left behind in the stupidity stakes, some in Pakistan have erupted in near-hysterical rage, as if 5 players not earning some money in a private league is a national disaster.

Oh! Calcutta...

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What did Calcutta do to deserve this?

I mean, yes, the city sucks, no doubt. It must be the dirtiest, most polluted city ever. Everybody who goes to Calcutta should see the marvel of Free School Street (just ahead of Kathleen) where Pigs and Humans co-exist peacefully on a wonderful garbage dump which would, one day, be used as a model for sustainable housing.

And, of course, the water logging. Other Indians hate the Brits, but the Calcuttans love them for building the first and last sewage system the city’s seen. The white man actually cared for us! But then again, I’m being a bit melodramatic as usual. The water logging’s not all bad. Most taxiwalas pray to Indra for it. Because, when it rains, the Ambassador is king and the cabbie will casually say, after you flag him down standing beside your firangi car which has conked of due to water in the engine: “Sir, today no meter, sir. But you give me 200 rupees for Theatre Road, sir. Arre yes, I know it costs 50 by meter, sir, but today paani jaam, no Sir?”.

Even when it’s not raining, though, the buses don’t give you too much joy either. They do, it must be admitted, look ugly and a more than a bit unsafe. And I swear I’ve been on quite a few buses whose floor boards have cracks big enough to see the street passing by below. But then you do appreciate them, at some level. I mean it’s not every day that you would have 300 people packed into a mini-bus meant for 50. It brings us Calcuttans closer—a tightly knit family some would say.

Of course, all this is small fry compared to Calcutta’s real problem—Bengalis. The city’s filled with them.

But even then, did Calcutta deserve this? I mean, the city’s not all bad, is it?

Where else would you get a Biryani with that lovely aloo included along with meat? The legend goes that when Wajid Ali Shah was exiled to the city by the Sewage-System Builders, the poor man had a tough time keeping up his old lifestyle. It’s not easy when you’re busy using Muta to marry girls for a few days and casting them off, is it? It’s hard on an exiled nawab’s finances. So the poor man cut back on his food by replacing some of the meat in his Biryanis with aloo. It’s true—some people would do anything for love.

And since were're on the subject of food, the kati kawab rolls which Nizam’s claimed it invented must be brought up. Succulent and tender pieces of roasted meat wrapped in a crispy, flaky yet not very oily paratha served to you by some chap who obviously has some sort of groin infection. I ask you, does a city that invented the kati roll, deserve this sort of treatment? Does it?

And what about Park Street? And Peter Cat, the chicken sizzlers and the prawn cocktails (Mrs. G., it was said, ordered her prawn cocktails from Sky Room. They used to go out on the evening Calcutta-Delhi flight. Sky Room’s shut down now, though. Why? Labour problems, of course. This is a write-up on Calcutta you fool!). And New Market during the Christmas holidays with marzipan from Nahoum’s. And those horrible tacky Santa Claus dolls, who, went the tale, cried because the city did not deserve what had been done to it.

Of course, all this is small fry compared to Calcutta’s real asset—Bengalis. The city’s filled with them.

So, I ask you, ladies, gentleman and Karan Johar, did Calcutta deserve this?

Kolkata Knight Riders:

Played: 14; lost: 10, won: 3, tie/NR: 1

After Britishers, Congress drives Cricket back to Britain

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With the IPL to be played in England, the Congress Party has successfully managed to chase the British game of cricket out of India. In a long drawn out struggle, the Party fought valiantly to wipe out all vestiges of the British, including the game of cricket. Mass movement were led which insisted that Indians play Indian games like Kabbadi, Kho kho and ‘Will Your Paan Spit Hit the Wall?’ and tonnes of foreign-made sports equipment were burnt (including abdominal guards, which were anyways too big for us)

The Congress President was triumphant as she announced that, “India does not need European imports, thank you.”

IPL authorities, decried for being agents of imperialism, faced up to the defeat as best they could. Vijay Mallya, wearing Gandhi’s spectacles, criticised the Indian government for being short-sighted. “We had no choice but to Quit India,” he said.

Another IPL team owner, Shahrukh Khan, was shot while he was trying to broker peace. The country erupted in joy at the news that the asshole was no more and promptly went and watched Anurag Kashyap’s latest release, ‘Gulaal’. However, his last two words will forever live on in our memory as he was killed trying to make the world a better place for himself: “Karan Johar”.

Indians living abroad, however, have reacted positively to the news. Said London-based Ravi Kumar: “The IPL was born in India but migrated abroad as soon as it got the chance. This proves that the IPL is as Indian as they come.”

Government Hides Cricket Match from Nation

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The BCCI has announced today that recently it organised a match between the board President’s XI and Australia in Hyderabad.

In what was an apparent bid to protect the Australians from terror strikes, knowledge of the match, while it was being played, was withheld from the public leading to empty stands and poor TRP ratings.

When this correspondent reached the ground, tipped of by his sources, he found only seven people and two dogs watching the match. In a country that worships cricket and ads featuring cricketers, such a spectacle was far from natural.

Not a bomber in sight

The correspondent did try and speak to some of the “spectators” but most of them pretended to be sleeping in an obvious move by the government to avoid the press.

We did however manage to speak to Arnab Bondhopadhya, who quite cryptic in his answers too. When asked whether anybody prevented him from coming to the ground, all he did was nod, without taking his eyes of the match, and answer, “Yesh, my bhife”

He, however, did open up a bit during the lunch break. “This is the 363rd match played by the Board President’s XI and the 43rd time that a captain is leading them who does not feature in the test team. This is also the 89th time that the captain of the Board President’s XI has hit a century and the 47th time he has done it in the second innings. For Yuvraj Singh…”

Attempts to get any information out of him failed as he stonewalled the correspondent using an extremely clever tactic, shown above, of evading my questions.

Although the match was shown on TV to maintain a show of normalcy, the Government’s machinations made sure that it garnered TRPs less than even that of the telecast of Parliament debates on Lok Sabha TV.

The BCCI President, Sharad Pawar, has assured us that the actual matches between India and Australia will be held normally. “After all”, said Mr. Pawar, quoting Virender Sehwag, “Delhi is not like Pakistan”.

As the two images of Chandi chowk(left) and Anarkali Bazaar(above) clearly show, Delhi is not like Pakistan

Sub-continent Declares War on China over no Cricket in Olympics

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In a shocking move, India, Pakistan and Bangladesh have entered into a military coalition and threatened to declared war on China.

The provocation appears to be the non-inclusion of Cricket as a sport in the ongoing Olympics.

Says, Manmohan Singh, Prime Minister of India:”We had peacefully appealed to China to include Cricket as an Olympic sport, even the T20 version. We were even ready to compromise and have a T10 version, when there were complaints about the length of the game but the Fuck*ng Chinese refused to budge. If they'd listened we might have won a medal and beaten even Azerbaijan in the medal count.”

“Our Pakistani friends and fellow Cricket junkies then contacted us to suggest a coalition of sorts for the greater good of the Game. We even roped in Bangladesh.”

Ashfaq Kayani, Chief of Army Staff of the Pakistan Army, agrees with Prime Minister Singh. “How dare they deny the people of the sub-continent a place on the Olympic stage? We could have easily got a medal, yaar. Don’t forget, we bloody reached the finals of the T20 World Cup.”

Indiscriminate cheating at the Olympics has lead to a clamour for an overhaul of the system, including introducing cleaner sports like Cricket.

The Coalition, with India’s armed might, Pakistan’s superior intelligence gathering capabilities and excellent cooks from Bangladesh would be a formidable foe even for a military Superpower like China.

Sources say that the introduction of some really weird “sports” in the Olympics was the last straw for the Coalition. Some of them are:

Race Walking: Remember those hall monitors in school who caught you when you were running in the corridors? Well that apparently is the inspiration for this sport where you are given a red card if you run instead of walk. Hell! Arjuna Ranatunga, who "walked his singles as far as possible, would be a bloody natural at this.

Synchronised swimming: It’s “a hybrid of swimming, gymnastics, and dance” says Wikipedia. Ooh! All three! Wowee!

But it ain’t no sport, Punk, you got that, huh?

Bottoms up: Synchronised swimming is
all about grace

“How dare they introduce these stupid sports and leave out the gentleman’s name. War is the only recourse,” said a chap who claims to be the President of Bangladesh. Enquiries were made regarding his name at the press-conference but no one was aware of what it was.

We did contact the Chinese Government and this is the statement they released:

北京奥运会决出21枚金牌，包括乒乓球、曲棍球、跆拳道、田径和皮划艇。中国军团获得1金2银3铜，金牌数达47枚，奖牌数达89枚，有望冲击50金以及百枚奖牌大关。在女单比赛中，张怡宁和王楠分获冠亚军，小将郭跃夺铜。另外，博尔特和队友一起夺取了男子4x100米接力赛冠军，并以37秒10的成绩把世界纪录提高了0.3秒。 ”

If someone understands it, please do tell us what it is.

New Form of English Revolutionizes the World

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The English speaking world has seen the introduction of many Englishes over the years; from the original imposter – American English to the new kids on the block like Hinglish, all of them have changed English to some extent or the other.

However, linguistics have recently discovered a strain of English which is so revolutionary and so radical that its promises to shake up the English speaking world. They call the new strain: “Inglish” or Inzamam’s English named after its founder, Inzamam-ul-Haq, former Captain of the Pakistan Cricket team. 

What’s so radical about this new form of English? Well, Inglish™ dramatically reduces the number of words taken to express an idea. For example when Inzamam was asked the reason for Pakistan’s loss to Ireland in the 2007 World Cup other captains using more standard forms of Enlgish would have laboured on about God, the pitch and bad luck for ever, Inzamam wrapped it up with the words:

"Inshallah, pitch bad…umm...boys played .. umm … badly… Ireland good … bahuth shukriya."

Using a total of only 10 words (not counting the umms) Inzamam had described a World Cup ODI defeat to Ireland! Amazing!

Linguists say the secret behind Inglish is the use of what are called Keywords™. Instead of labouring on with superfluous words like prepositions, conjunction, articles etc, Inglish™ uses the Keywords™ present in the idea to get right to the point.

Inzamam is felicitated for having invented Inglish

This soul-stirring speech by Inzamam, after the Oval test ball-tampering incident, is taken to be the magna carta of the language:

“Ahem… Balls not tampered. My balls, I never touch, never. Whole Pakistan team see my balls. They good. Not tampered. In tip-top condition. Hair not look at balls well. Hair cheats… Bahuth shukriya.”

Avid cricket fan Ravi Kumar, says the speech moved something deep inside of him. “The brevity and in spite of the brevity, the eloquence leaves you spell bound,” says Ravi, in obvious awe of Inglish™.

In spite of inventing a form of English, Inzy remains a pucca Pakistani at heart. He is seen above playing a popular Pakistani folk game - War.

Experts also say that Inglish™ will lead to huge savings in data storage. A sentence of 10 words can now be compressed to 2-3 words thanks to Inglish™, saving millions of dollars. Says Larry Page, co-founder of Google: “Inglish™ will be a godsend for Google. The number of pages we’ll have to index will do down dramatically leading to massive savings for us.”