Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Rock On Sweeps Wall Street off its Feet

Farhan Akhtar starrer ‘Rock On’ has turned out to be a sleeper hit in the United States.

 The film, about an investment banker who risks it all to follow his passion, has apparently struck a cord with the thousands of investment bankers who have suddenly found that their passion—making money—has been bought to an abrupt halt. 

Says, former investment banker, John Smith: “Farhan’s character had it all: a job in investment banking which paid him enough for him to have a friggin’ fountain or something in his house, a beautiful wife and a lisp. But in spite of all that he isn’t happy. It’s only when he tries to make even more money by moonlighting as the lead singer of a band that he’s truly happy. Now that, my man, is the real I-banking spirit. 

In these difficult times ‘Rock On’ inspires because it is ultimately a story of hope triumphing almost insurmountable odds. It teaches us that if a person with Farhan Akhtar’s voice can become the lead singer of a rock band, the U.S. overcoming its greatest economic crisis since the depression is child’s play. It also teaches us to have faith in God and His miracles. Didn’t He provide ‘Magik’ with an invisible bassist?” 

The lead-actor of the movie, Farhan Akhtar has become a phenomenon on Wall Street with middle aged bankers ex-bankers gushing about him like they were 14 year old school girls. 

“”Ooooh! He’s soo cool! And his lisp is just soo sexy,” squeals 41-year old Miranda Ferdinand, who claims Sylvester the cat is her favourite cartoon character. 

The film has been critically acclaimed too, apart from being a commercial success. 

Noted financial guru, Paul Gartner, claims that ‘Rock On’ is a film with a “message”.

“The film shows us that leaving our financial assets exclusively in the hands of bankers isn’t a good idea. While we maybe under the impression that they are hard at work trying to increase our money, all they might be doing is playing in some band-shand. 

‘Rock On’ also presciently hints at the glaring shortcomings of bankers when Aditya (Farhan Akhtar’s character), who later on becomes an investment banker, misspells the word “”magic” and names his band “magik”.

The movie asks us: ‘Can we trust our life savings with people who can’t even spell or, more importantly, sing songs named ‘Sinbad the Sailor’?’,” says Gartner.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Delhi Belly

“I never believed, but it's true, my God, they wipe their bottoms with paper only!”
- Amina Sinai, Midnight’s Children.

A genius of an inventor, who is unfortunately unknown, has invented what is most probably the most significant invention since the Atom bomb – the Jet

And just like the A bomb, The Jet will change the way whole nations function.
I was house hunting in Gurgaon a couple of months back when I first came across it.

“Sirjee, the flat has full power back-up; 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 12 mo…”

“Haan, haan but how much?”

“Um, 14, 500 rupees, Sirjee ”

“Too much, boss. I told you my budget is 10 grand max.”

“Arre Sir, par the flat is so good. Garden hai, lift hai, bathroom mein jet hai…”

“Jet? Kya jet? Bathroom mei jet hai? Kya matlab?”

Although the rent was well out of my budget but there’s something about the human brain which makes one terribly curious when one hears the words “bathroom mein jet hain”. So I asked the agent to show me.
It was rather unremarkable in appearance. All it consisted of was a nozzle attached to the back of the pot. After you finish your business turn on the tap beside the pot and it shoots a jet of water at your … well, you get the idea.

What’s truly remarkable about the Jet is that it represents progress in a field that has remained stagnant ever since the beginning of civilisation.

Today everything is done for us, automatically by technology. We fly in airplanes instead of walking. Computers do our calculations for us and even check our spellings. Missiles fired at the touch of a button can kill and maim people a thousand miles away. The Internet brings us porn from around the world to satiate our lust at the click of a mouse.

Yet, in the matter of morning ablutions, we are stuck in the stone ages. It’s as if we’ve, er, washed our hands of the matter.

But things will no doubt change with the introduction of the Jet. Now washing up afterwards will also be done automatically just like the rest of the day’s tasks.

All you have to do is turn on the tap controlling the Jet and maybe just shift a bit, you know, to get the aim spot-on, and voila! you’re done and on your way to a wonderful day without…umm… even lifting a finger.

And what’s more, although modern India would disappoint Gandhiji in many ways, at least he’ll be happy knowing that millions of his countrymen are getting instant enemas.

Note: I did not take that flat in the end and unfortunately ended up with a flat with a rather prosaic and normal toilet.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

India Wins NSG Waiver

The Government is ecstatic about the waiver from the NSG, which would allow India to carry out nuclear commerce.

"We never had a doubt that the deal would come through," says National Security Adviser M.K. Narayanan. "Who would stop us? New Zealand? Pshaw! India produces a New Zealand every ten minutes. Although I admit in the middle it did get tough. New Zealand just wasn't getting convinced that we would be a responsible nuclear power. So we even though of nuking the country but Sharad Pawar put a spanner in our works as he didn't want one less test playing nation just before he became ICC chief."

He was however somewhat taciturn on the matter of China's sly intransigence.

"What China does is China's internal matter and for that you'll have to ask the CPI (M)"

The Communist Party of India (Marxist) meets to discuss the India-US nuclear deal. (file photo)

China worked rather furiously behind the scenes to try and sabotage the deal but diplomatic niceties will force it to put on a show of support.

"We congratulate India on the NSG waiver," said a press release from the Chinese Foreign Ministry. "We also hope that it will act responsibly to maintain the stability of the region just like we have done by illegally transferring nuclear material and technology to Pakistan and encouraging good and honest people like A.Q. Khan. And since we are a dictatorship we are also in awe of India’s strong and robust democracy, which helped us more than we could have ever dreamed of. The Left Parties and the BJP have stood like a rock with us during this deal and we join them in mourning the successful signing of the deal. "

Friday, September 5, 2008

Happy Teachers Day!

Today is Teacher’s Day celebrated on the birthday of our second President, Sarvepalli Radhakrishnan. Don’t worry if you know nothing about him and are wondering why you are reading this post – you’re quite normal.

On Teacher’s day, our great nation, which is well on its way to overtake every other nation, celebrates our reverence of the teacher- the Guru- in our culture. Throughout history we have revered our Gurus and placed them on a pedestal even above God and continue to do so even today .

Well, to commemorate this great day The Times of Bullshit organised a portry writing competition for kids. We promised that the best pome which reflects the ethos of Teacher’s day in India would be featured here and we have fulfilled our promise.

The winner of the contest was Roger. He says he wants to be an architect when he grows up and his favourite colour is pink. Surprisingly for a boy his age his favourite fim is the Amitabh Bachan starrer - 'Deewar'. Quite a kid! His pome is heart-warmingly titled ‘The Happiest days of Our Lives’. Here it is:

The Happiest days of Our Lives

Well, when we grew up and went to school,
There were certain teachers,
Who would hurt the children in any way they could,
By pouring their derision,
Upon anything we did,
Exposing every weakness,
However carefully hidden by the kids.

But in the town it was well known,
When they got home at night,
Their fat and psychopathic wives would thrash them,
Within inches of their lives.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

What's in name?

A long time back Max Mueller had said:

“If I were asked under what sky the human mind has most fully developed some of its choicest gifts I should point to India.”

The existence of a mohalla called “Chutia” in the town of Ranchi more than proves him correct.

[Click on picture to enlarge. Image courtesy The AD Zone ]

The locality even has its own Police station: Chutia Police Thana.

I remember the local edition of The Telegraph coming up with the following headline: “Chutia police at wits end after crime wave”. Or something to that effect. Remember, exaggeration isn’t a crime.

For some unknown reason, Hindi cuss words are banned there.