The Four Types of India-Pakistan Web Comments

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This is a Google ad which trumpets how awesome Google is. So awesome that it can even get past the greatest divider ever: Partition. It’s a rather heart-warming, lovely little ad and worth a watch if you have’t already seen it.

The basic concept of this ad—the bringing together of Indians and Pakistanis using the Internet—is actually true.

Freed from the ridiculousness of the nation-state and the tyrannies of incomprehensible scripts (someone had once said that the US and UK are two countries divided by the same language; it’s even more true for India and Pak) Indians and Pakis (it’s ok, we can use that term; we’re Brown too) in the past decade or so have been able to enjoy an unprecedented level of contact.

Where the ad gets it wrong though is that, usually, the contact isn’t this nice. Most India-Pak internet rendezvous, conducted under the benign anonymity of the internet, are rather ugly. There is gali-galauch and much ugliness when PORKI MUSLA DOGS meet SPINELESS HINDU COW WORSHIPPERS and do glorious battle.  Jinnah WHOTOREAPARTOURMOTHERLAND is bought in as is Gandhi THATEVILBANIYATWOFACEDDHOTIWALA. COWARDWHOLEFTHISRELIGION meets LOSERWHOCOULDN’TCOVERT. 1000YEARSOFGLORIOUSRULE! 1000 YEARS OF SLAVERY! WEAK VEGERTARIAN! BARBARIAN MEAT EATER!

Ah, what fun times. But no matter. You only get angry with people who you love. Or some such spaced-out shit. Plus who else can you abuse in Hindi/Urdu/Punjabi? What’s the point of having the same language/cultural tropes if you can’t nangofy the other person with it, eh?

In case you missed this, need a fresh dose or just feel like abusing the shit out of someone, this record’ll most prolly be playing at a YouTube comment box nearby. I have been a keen follower of the YouTube comment space for years now (one of my many varied intellectual interests) and while YouTube overall is a goldmine for Troll Watching, the Indo-Pak commentary on Bollywood/Coke Studio songs occupies a special space in my heart. After many years of pain staking research I have divided Indo-Pak commentators into 4 categories:

1. Out-and-Out Bigots: The easiest to spot, they go straight for the jugular. Prophets are summoned and insulted; god and goddesses targeted. These people are surprisingly well-informed about their opponents' religion, especially the embarrassing bits. A variety of sexual acts are also promised on the opponents female family members as a special bonus (this category is almost completely male).

Interesting at first, you quickly tire of them. Plus, it's really difficult to get past the all caps, the "you"s spelt with a 'u' and all those 'behenchods" spelt with only a "BC".

2. The Velvet Gloves: Much more subdued that the Out-and-Out Bigots but still not really open-minded. Usually don’t go in for direct religious slurs but play more on national stereotypes. Examples would include a small jibe at a recent terrorist attack or a little “ahem, cough cough, heard about that recent pogrom that took place. Hope all is well?”

These people could easily fool you into thinking that bear no malice but it’s always a joy when the realisation at last washes over you and you are in a position to appreciate the troll’s good work.

3. The Music Nerd: The confused-as-fuck guy who’s come to this page for the music. Frequently gets exasperated with all this religion and politics and would plead with the junta to “just forget all this Hindu-Muslim, this politics. It’s just a song, guys.” Heh. Bloody champoo.

4. The Candle-at-Wagah Wala: Eternal Kumbaya singer, this man is sad because we are One but just can’t get alone. Laments would include calls to our “common culture” and the “glorious 5,000 heritage of our common past.” “Come on guys, why do you have to fight, yaar? We are like brothers, no, Indian and Pakistani? Like brothers.”

Most Candle Wala comments come in unison since people gather up the courage to air their abnormal views only after seeing someone else do it first. Much like Karaoke singing, in fact.

“Completely like brothers, bhai,” another will chime in. “How does it a matter that we killed each other with nothing but our bare hands in the biggest killing spree ever just 60 years back? What matters is that we are...you guessed it: brothers.”

Needless to say, this sort gets it royally from both sides for a bit and are then just ignored like the senile old fools that they are.

Naql ke Liye Aql

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By now, most of you must of heard of Aliaa Elmahdy after she posted nude pictures of herself on the Internet as an "expression" of her "being".

While I have nothing intellgient to add on the actual act, what I found really funny about this was NDTV's ridiculous piece on the episode. While giving context to this case and trying to explain just how conservative Egypt is, the NDTV news reader, with more than a hint of righteous surprise in her voice says that Egypt is a country where "even kissing in public is frowned upon".

Madamji, pliss to note, your programme is being broadcast in India, a country where, surprise!, "even kissing in public is frowned upon".

By all means, flick from western broadcasts but a little bit of common sense helps even while copying.

British Humour

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Bernardo Hees, Burger King’s CEO, has apparently described the UK’s women and food as “terrible”.

The Independent, while reporting this, slipped in a snarky little come-back. The last line of their report, out of the blue, has this to say:

A Burger King Double Whopper with cheese contains 950 calories, half of a woman's recommended daily calorie intake.

As if to say, “we might be ugly but it’s because of you”.

Wrong End of the Stick

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The wise people at the Times of India published this amazing little one-liner as part of their Friday dine-out section:


Lent is of course a Christian tradition commemorated through abstinence and self-denial. Practically, most of it takes the form of giving up certain foods, meat being the most common, from what I've seen. In other words, using an all-you-can-eat food orgy to "mark the festival of Lent" is fairly unorthodox.

All that aside, however, Bernardo's is a nice place. I used to go there quite a bit to get my fill of fish (not many places where you get good fish in Delhi).

Also, why is there a question mark in the title?

Web Board Comment of the Day

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In case you ever want to boost your estimation of just how smart you are, just head over to Rediff’s comment section. Rediff’s message boards are of course well known as a centre of excellence in dumbfuckness. But, of late, I’ve noticed that the Times of India boards have come up beautifully and are giving Rediff some stiff competition (ToI would win by a mile if the articles could be bought into the fray as well, but that wouldn’t be fair, I guess).

Here’s an excellent comment by Mister Paul (yes, ‘mister’; the man has my respect) with regard to an article on a rape incident.

The first thing, of course, is the remarkably organised manner in which he discusses dismemberment. With five points listed out as possible alternatives to Plan A (public hanging), he might as well have been talking about where to have the monthly office lunch. That said, you have to give to him; he is thorough. 12 years in jail in comparison is a bloody picnic. And while most of it is logical—not having your eyes, ears, tongue and penis would be somewhat uncomfortable—the thumb suggestion, it must be said, left me a bit disappointed. Knowing Mister Paul, I would have expected him to plumb for the chopping of the hands from the elbows down or at least the wrists. But then even the best do slip up once in a while and it’s still overall a most excellent comment.

By the way, Khushwant Singh supports castration for rapists. Jokes apart, I think it’s an extremely fair punishment.

P.S: Is ‘Rediff’ pronounced ‘read-if’ or ‘red-if’?

Drown in a Palmful of Water

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Even as India’s ranks in 67th IFPRI's Global Hunger Index of 2010, placing it lower than any other Asian nation other than Bangladesh, the Indian press wets themselves over the successful Commonwealth Games and the good it has done for India’s “image”.

Well, P Sainath in a scathing article, disagrees somewhat:

“The point simply, is this: The Commonwealth Games were no showcase, but a mirror of India 2010. If they showcased anything, they showcased Indian crony, casino capitalism at its most vigorous. To build such a society and then expect The Games won't reflect its warts and sores is high optimism. But never in our history have an elite been so in love with themselves, so soaked in narcissism; so anxious about what ‘the World' thinks. So contemptuous of what our own people think, about anything. (Though the Commonwealth wouldn't exist without them. Indians account for over 55 per cent of all people in the Commonwealth.)”

If, even after 20 years of liberalisation, Nepal (Nepal! NEPAL!) is still better at tackling hunger than us, then I’d have to agree with Sainath that something is very,very wrong and resurrecting our image is the least of our problems.

Or maybe what the real problem is the “If, even after” in the previous sentence; if we replace that with “Because of”, will it make things better?

Aman ki Asha - Amen

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The two leading media houses of India and Pakistan - The Times of India and the Jang Group - have come together to develop a stronger Track 2 in the diplomatic and cultural relations between India and Pakistan. "Aman ki Asha: Destination Peace" looks beyond the confines of a 62-year-old political boundary to the primal bonds that tie together the two peoples.

That’s how the ToI describes Aman ki Asha—an initiative which will, of course, amount to nothing. Don’t get me wrong, though—I’m not against the aims of Aman ki Asha. Peace is critical when it comes to a region as poor and wretched as the Indian sub-continent and anybody who thinks otherwise is just plain deluded. It’s just that by playing on the cultural similarities that the two countries share, as this project does ("primal bonds that tie together the two peoples"), you’re going to get nowhere.

It’s a common refrain, though—just ‘cause the two twins share a whole lot culturally, the two should be at peace. Well, the fact of matter is that culture-shulture never stopped a good, solid war. The two main protagonists of the Word Wars, Britain and Germany, shared religion, race and royalty (in an episode of Blackadder Goes Forth, a sitcom set in WW I, when Captain Darling, on being accused of being a German spy, protests that he’s as British as Queen Victoria, Blackadder replies, “So your father’s German, you’re half German and you married a German!”) but that didn’t stop them from trying to flatten each other.

Of course, it might not even be accurate to say that India and Pakistan share a common culture. While North India would, I guess, fit the bill, the people of East and South India share little, if anything, culturally with the people of Pakistan.

The fact of the matter is that India has to deal with Pakistan as a neighbour, plain and simple. Wildly oscillating between the extremes of treating the country as a long, lost brother and, then, as India's mortal enemy isn't going to help in the least.

Aati Kya Khandala

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She: a Superpower’s Secretary of State who's nursing betrayal from her husband as well as Pakistan’s establishment.

He: a dashing Marathi manoos who has seen it all—from stamp paper scams to cricket boards.

Will their love be able to overcome their differences? Will she, an Amreeki mem, be able to live among the sugarcane fields of Maharshtra? Will Hon. Shri Sharad Pawar be able to love a person of Foreign Origin?

To find out, order you ecopy of the Indian Express today (12/12/209) which has published this delicious picture in an advertising supplement called Maratha Icon, the occasion being Pawar's Happy Budday.

True Facts

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Read a news snippet in the Hindustan Times which showcased journalism at its best—nothing but the unvarnished, raw truth.



Yup, a historic judgement indeed--right up there with the Calcutta High Court’s ingenuous order declaring that “Water is Not Dry”.

Actually, if you read the piece, it does explain things in a fairly coherent manner. The wife claims that her ex-husband had “forceful intercourse” with her, which the court did not believe and hence did not uphold her accusation of rape.

However, somewhere in the need for a Headline, common sense did get raped.

Jashn-e-Azadi

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Independence Day: A day for which the nation's copywriters are eternally grateful.