[NEWS ]Times of India Article Published with No Mention of Modi; Nation Needs to Know How?

Tweet

In an astonishing break-through for Indian journalism, an article published in the Monday edition of the Times of India carried no mention off Narendra Modi. Bravely breaking with tradition, the 230-word article did not even once mention or even allude to the Gujarat Chief Minister who is currently making a bid for Prime Minster as well as Chief Benefactor of the Indian Media.

The article started off promisingly, being as it was about the city of Ahmadabad. However, as it progressed, the piece, oddly enough, stuck to its topic without either lionising or criticising Modi. This shocked Ravi Kumar, avid Ornob Goswami watcher and BJP supporter. “I must have read the article 4 times over but no, no Modi. It was, frankly, astonishing. I didn’t know what to do. For the first time in years, I was unable to use the word ‘Porki’ in my comment to the article and could only come up with the rather insipid, ‘Every1 knows that the Taj Mahal was nt bilt by Shah Jehan but wz built by Modi & then said 2 be built by d Muslim Mughals by commieeez just to malin Hindus.’ Sad, I know, but what to do? The Times of India has managed to insert Modi into everything from the Uttarkhand tragedy to the rupee downslide. Last week Shri Shri Chetan Bhagat even wrote a fantastic article where he compared Modi to a diamond. It was beautiful and reminded me of that other classic, Discover the Diamond in You by Shri Shri Arindam Chaudhari.”

“This is ridiculous,” thundered Congress supporter, Nerendra Gandhi. “An article about Ahmedabad and no Modi-bashing? I mean, what the hell! We know that Modi controls everything in the country and he’s evil. Didn’t the Times of India even link the policies of a stand-alone mall with the Chief Minister of a state? It’s absurd that this whole article went by without even once criticising Modi. The Congress' only tactic to deflect attention from its massive failures in power is to make it a Modi-versus-the-rest election. If things go like this, that plan is doomed!”

The article seems to have created quite a bit of controversy and broken new ground with journalists looking at this new No-Modi format to experiment with as they go about their job.

The small article is about a robbery in a house in Ahmadabad. A television set, two pairs of shoes and a gold-plated Titan watch have been reported missing. The police say they are doing all they can to nab the thief.

An Open Letter to the Indian Cricket Fan

Tweet

(First published on NewsYaps)

Fellow BCCI™ Cricket Fans,

I am Ravi Kumar, a software engineer who lives in DLF™ Gurgaon. And I am sad. In fact I am downright angry. I am a regular Joe like you. I get up, take a Harpic™ dump, catch the Congress™ Metro, go to office, code and get back, tired as hell. Apollo Hospitals™life sucks, people, you all know that. If there’s one thing though that’s a bright Surf Excel™ spot in our lives, it’s the game of BCCI™ cricket. And what better showcase of that beautiful BCCI™ game is there than the Pepsi™ Indian Premier League. That brilliant idea in which India’s richest cities play for glory for two months of the year; and what a two months it is! Is there anything better than coming back from office and sitting down to 4 hours of the beautiful BCCI™ game? (The answer to that question, in case you were wondering, is ‘No’). A few Yes Bank™ Maximums and Maxmobile™ Strategic Timeouts later you’re on your way to bliss.

But lately that Kurl-On™ dream has been shattered. Shattered! (As I write this a Johnson’s No-More-Tears Shampoo™ tear rolls down my cheek). Apparently, there is Indian Parliament™ corruption in the IPL.  The BCCI™ game, pristine as it was, has been Daagh Acche Hain™ muddied.

Three Sahara™ players have been arrested by the Rapists ache hain™ Delhi Police for spot-fixing. Imagine that. It’s almost like all the games I watched and followed with Durex™ passion have no meaning anymore. It’s like, it’s all hollow. What will I do the next time someone hits a Yes Bank™ Maximum? Should I Vicks™ cheer? Or just sit there, knowing that it’s probably all a Red Chillies™ charade.  As an Airtel™ friend recently remarked, now that the BCCI™ cricket’s probably fake, all we’ll be left with is Karishma Kotak, Rochelle Maria Rao, the cheerleaders, the award ceremony, the hour long pre and post match TV shows and the after-parties. Sigh. This spot-fixing episode has clearly killed the game.

You know what this episode means though? It means that, at last, Ayn Rand™ greed has entered even the pure game of BCCI™ cricket. Earlier all cricketers played for was pride and KamaSutra™ love of the game. In fact, in just the latest Pepsi™ ad they show Dhoni enjoying the BCCI™ game so much that it warmed the cockles of my Hallmark™ heart. “What a man,” I thought. “Enjoys BCCI™ cricket even when shooting for an ad”. But all that’s dead now. This shows that the IPL was once all about the BCCI™ cricket but today...today players will even play for RBI™ money.

And what about the nation? Did these scumbags even once think about the millions of their fans who give up everything to watch them in Thums-Up™ action? This act is so anti-national that I won’t be surprised if ISI™ Pakistan is involved. Just take my example. What haven’t I done for the Pepsi™ IPL? I’ve regularly jumped red-lights on my way home from office because I’m usually late for the pre-match show. In fact, at one time I was even caught and had to bribe a policeman in order to wriggle out (missed the pre-match show that day, sadly). As I paid him the money, though, I had no regrets: nothing is too big a price to pay for the country. And why only me? Millions of our fellow countrymen give up productive work, family, friends and do their national duty everyday by plonking themselves down in front of the TV all evening. And it’s this great national sacrifice that these guttersnipes have mocked with this act. We might have hanged Kasab but till people like these are allowed to roam free, our nation will never be Bisleri™ safe, ladies and gentlemen, it’ll never be Bisleri™ safe.

It’s just greed is what it is. These players earn so much and still want to earn some more. Look at me. I own a car and a flat in a metro which puts me in the top 0.1% of Indians. But do I act greedy? Do I indulge in questionable tax-evading tactics to save just that little bit more? Do I back-stab people in office to get that promotion? Do I? The answer to all these questions is...er...well, since these are rhetorical questions I don’t really need to answer them. But I will say one thing: it is fun to sermonise. Wheee!

Anyhoo, gotta run now, guys. Arnab will be on TV soon thrashing everyone left, right and centre, demanding answers for the nation and making wrong-doers quake in their Bata™ boots. In fact, he’s just started! Look at his opening salvo: “We will be closely involved in this case because YOUR love for cricket is NOT for sale”. His EMI™ voice makes me go weak in the knees. And it sounds so goood on my new TV which I bought only because my favourite cricketer models for it. But I digress. Yes! My love for cricket is not for sale and it’s a shame what these people have done.

Now, Tata™.

A True Cricket Havell’s™ Fan,

Ravi Kumar

Man Sick of Corruption Forced to Bribe Doctor to Get Treatment

Tweet

EAST CHAMPARAN, BIHAR: Social activist, Ravi Kumar of East Champaran, Bihar was forced to bribe the local government doctor in order to receive treatment after he was taken violently ill as a result of a 4-day hunger strike against corruption.

Sources tell the Times of Bullshit that Kumar, 43, had embarked on the fast in order to do his bounden duty towards his nation and eradicate the one scourge that was holding it back--corruption. Consequently, he chose the village square as his spot and began his fast-unto-death in full view of everyone, which, as his brother helpfully informed us, was so that "everybody could see he was not cheating".

Things went well for the first three days as Kumar embarked on his crusade against graft. His health seemed fine as well although by the end of the third day he was getting increasingly insistent on the point that people address him as Mahatma or at least Bapu. Having called him Pappu all throughout his life, the village people found this a bit difficult to stomach. However, by mid day on the fourth day an amicable compromise had been struck and it was decided that the honorific ji, as in Kumarji, would be added to his name.

However, only a couple of hours later disaster struck as debilitating stomach cramps hit Kumariji. This was followed by him throwing up blood. Alarmed, his supporters rushed him to the nearest government dispensary which was some way away in the next village. There, he had to pay 4 times the normal amount of Rs 20 to get treated by a doctor who attended to Kumarji while also simultaneously using his little finger to try and dig out ear boogers with considerable vigour. In the dispensary, Kumarji refused to comment on his next anti-corruption move.

Government reveals that Commonwealth Games a practical joke; gag hoodwinks entire nation

Tweet

With a little more than a month to go for the 2010 Commonwealth Games, the Indian Government has revealed that there are no Games, and the event was nothing but a big practical joke on the Indian Public.

“Booyah, India,” shouted Manmohan Singh as he revealed this amidst peals of raucous laughter. “Now you know why we seemed to be so badly prepared for the Games. That’s cos there are no Games, duh! We just did it to show you guys up and boy did you fall hook, line and sinker,” said the PM as large numbers of press-types looked on sheepishly knowing very well that they had been mad fools of right and proper.

“You think we’d spend Rs. 28,000 crore on a sporting event that no one gives a shit about? This in a country where millions of children die of preventable diseases before they reach the age of 5? You must be kidding me man. You think we’re dumb?”

The 2010 Commonwealth Games logo. NOT!

The practical joke was apparently a very well constructed one with dummy detractors like Aiyer set up to “criticise” it in order to make it look a bit more realistic.

“Ha! Aiyer played it well didn’t he? Had you guys fooled to-ta-lly. We were a bit nervous about that; I mean how many people would believe it if a Congress MP went in himself and condemned his own government’s games. But it went off like a dream; nobody suspected a thing!” gloated Singh.

The bits about massive corruption in the games were also, as is evident, not real. As Suresh Kalmadi said, grinning from ear to ear: “How you guys fell for that story about Scheduled Caste fund being diverted to building stadium, I’ll never know!”

“I must admit the Government had me,“ says Delhi resident, Ravi Kumar, raising his hands in mock surrender. “I should have seen through it after that story about treadmills being hired for 10 lakhs hit the headlines. But hats off; this Commonwealth Games thing was an amazing gag. Nice sense of humour these government-walahs have.”

Delhi HC Judgement Brings Communal Harmony to India At Last

Tweet

Religious leaders across board showed rare camaraderie and unity to come together as one big happy family and denounce the Delhi HC judgement making homosexuality legal in India. The judgement has bought in its wake unprecedented communal amity among India’s religious leaders—remarkable in a country prone to frequent communal violence.

The Delhi High Court had passed the judgement on Thursday, appropriately invoking Nehru’s words while declaring that section 377 would not be applicable “in so far as it criminalises consensual sexual acts of adults in private”.

Says the VHP’s Giriraj Kishore: “I am thrilled to see our fellow heterosexual Muslim and Christian clergy brothers stand up for what I think is right. Western influences like homosexuality, Islam and Christianity have no place in our country.”

His views were echoed by the Jamaat-e-Islami-Hind who came out strongly against the judgement terming homosexuality as a haram act that only haramis would indulge in. “We strongly condemn the awarding of equal rights to homosexuals, women and other freaks of nature”, opined the All India Muslim Personal Law Board.

Religious leaders are thinking of launching a mass protest programme as well as educate the public about the dangers that homosexuality poses to the country. “We will try and do our best to force Indians to put their privates where we want them”, said a religious leader who did not wish to be named.

Lay Indians, on the other hand, remained largely apathetic to the judgement. In fact, doubts still remain as to the full implications of the judgement and whether it will be applicable even outside Delhi. “Will lesbo porn now be legal?”, asked Ravi Kumar, 20.

In related news, seven people have died of irony after hearing that the Catholic Church in India is opposed to legalising homosexuality as it would “increase paedophilia”.

After Britishers, Congress drives Cricket back to Britain

Tweet

With the IPL to be played in England, the Congress Party has successfully managed to chase the British game of cricket out of India. In a long drawn out struggle, the Party fought valiantly to wipe out all vestiges of the British, including the game of cricket. Mass movement were led which insisted that Indians play Indian games like Kabbadi, Kho kho and ‘Will Your Paan Spit Hit the Wall?’ and tonnes of foreign-made sports equipment were burnt (including abdominal guards, which were anyways too big for us)

The Congress President was triumphant as she announced that, “India does not need European imports, thank you.”

IPL authorities, decried for being agents of imperialism, faced up to the defeat as best they could. Vijay Mallya, wearing Gandhi’s spectacles, criticised the Indian government for being short-sighted. “We had no choice but to Quit India,” he said.

Another IPL team owner, Shahrukh Khan, was shot while he was trying to broker peace. The country erupted in joy at the news that the asshole was no more and promptly went and watched Anurag Kashyap’s latest release, ‘Gulaal’. However, his last two words will forever live on in our memory as he was killed trying to make the world a better place for himself: “Karan Johar”.

Indians living abroad, however, have reacted positively to the news. Said London-based Ravi Kumar: “The IPL was born in India but migrated abroad as soon as it got the chance. This proves that the IPL is as Indian as they come.”

Mumbai Police Smash Crime with Raid on Party

Tweet

In a daring raid (here is the staid version of the story), Mumbai police busted a rave party in the wee hours of Monday. The rave was apparently not your ordinary walk-on-the-grass with the relatives of the high and mighty of Bollywood—even Shakti Kapoor's son was present there—being involved in this heinous act of debauchery 

The raid was carried out by a crack team from the anti-narcotics department who were shocked by the depravity they witnessed. Says a constable who didn’t wish to be named:” I am an honest (sic) middle class cop. Plus I’m Marathi, so what I saw there shocked me. Drugs, sex and alcohol all around. Plus I saw a young man, undoubtedly under the influence of hard drugs, doing a macabre dance dressed only in his loose striped chaddis and a banyan and carrying out unspeakable acts with his nara. The horror!” 

Shakti Kapoor is shocked to hear of the raid

In what must be a rare occurrence, the Mumbai police have received plaudits from citizens for ignoring all other crimes and concentrating on the drug habits of the rich and famous. 

Mumbaikar, Ravi Kumar says, “Hats off to the Mumbai police. Bombay had 212 murders and 198 rapes last year. Any lesser police force would have concentrated on these so-called “serious” crimes, but I’m proud that my police force ignores these crimes and goes for what’s really important—the morals of rich little spoilt brats.”

 Rajkumar is grateful to the Mumbai police for bettering his life by carrying out that raid

 

The police though have faced some flak from Bollywood for its “heavy-handedness”. 

A police officer explains that there is “no heavy- heavy-handedness here at all. The Narcotics Act empowers us to book adults taking drugs. The problem with these “adult” Indians is that they start thinking they are actual adults. Just because an "adult" can decide who will rule the country doesn’t mean he can take decisions like whether he can smoke marijuana. He’s not adult enough to take that decision. We policemen have to take that decision for them. It’s quite a burden, you know, playing papa to these people, but somebody has to take the responsibility, I guess.”

New Form of English Revolutionizes the World

Tweet

The English speaking world has seen the introduction of many Englishes over the years; from the original imposter – American English to the new kids on the block like Hinglish, all of them have changed English to some extent or the other.

However, linguistics have recently discovered a strain of English which is so revolutionary and so radical that its promises to shake up the English speaking world. They call the new strain: “Inglish” or Inzamam’s English named after its founder, Inzamam-ul-Haq, former Captain of the Pakistan Cricket team. 

What’s so radical about this new form of English? Well, Inglish™ dramatically reduces the number of words taken to express an idea. For example when Inzamam was asked the reason for Pakistan’s loss to Ireland in the 2007 World Cup other captains using more standard forms of Enlgish would have laboured on about God, the pitch and bad luck for ever, Inzamam wrapped it up with the words:

"Inshallah, pitch bad…umm...boys played .. umm … badly… Ireland good … bahuth shukriya."

Using a total of only 10 words (not counting the umms) Inzamam had described a World Cup ODI defeat to Ireland! Amazing!

Linguists say the secret behind Inglish is the use of what are called Keywords™. Instead of labouring on with superfluous words like prepositions, conjunction, articles etc, Inglish™ uses the Keywords™ present in the idea to get right to the point.

Inzamam is felicitated for having invented Inglish

This soul-stirring speech by Inzamam, after the Oval test ball-tampering incident, is taken to be the magna carta of the language:

“Ahem… Balls not tampered. My balls, I never touch, never. Whole Pakistan team see my balls. They good. Not tampered. In tip-top condition. Hair not look at balls well. Hair cheats… Bahuth shukriya.”

Avid cricket fan Ravi Kumar, says the speech moved something deep inside of him. “The brevity and in spite of the brevity, the eloquence leaves you spell bound,” says Ravi, in obvious awe of Inglish™.

In spite of inventing a form of English, Inzy remains a pucca Pakistani at heart. He is seen above playing a popular Pakistani folk game - War.

Experts also say that Inglish™ will lead to huge savings in data storage. A sentence of 10 words can now be compressed to 2-3 words thanks to Inglish™, saving millions of dollars. Says Larry Page, co-founder of Google: “Inglish™ will be a godsend for Google. The number of pages we’ll have to index will do down dramatically leading to massive savings for us.”

Country looks to Leaders to Tide over a Bad Time

Tweet

Three days after consecutive blasts rocked the cities of Bangalore and Ahmadabad, India is still in a state of shock.

And as in any times of crisis, the Indian people have turned to their respected leaders for succour and comfort. Our leaders have not disappointed either and have risen to the occasion providing inspiring leadership when it mattered the most.

Congress President Sonia Gandhi was quick to condemn the blast. She also added a shocking revelation. She claimed that “people who want to disturb the peace of the country are behind it (the blasts)”. This sent the country into a tizzy as till now the general public was under the assumption that the blasts were carried out by people who did not want to disturb the peace of the country.

Sonia Gandhi shocked the nation with her brave revelations


The BJP too offered its condolences to the victims and made its sincerest effort to present a united face to terror. In a press conference held on Monday, Sushma Swaraj tried to bolster the confidence of the nation by claiming that the blasts were “a conspiracy to divert attention from the cash-for-votes scandal”. In a further statesman-like move to maintain communal harmony she also claimed that the blasts were an “attempt to win-over the Muslim votes which got divided after the pro-American deal pursued by the government”

Sushma Swaraj mourns for the victims of terror

Ravi Kumar, a common man, said, “I feel totally safe. With leaders like these how can one not? I know my country is in safe hands. “

And although with leaders like these I don’t feel the need to wish for too much, I do have one small wish. May God grant leaders like these to the terrorists too. That’ll show them,” says a stoic but smiling Ravi.

Dishonest ads leave people fuming

Tweet

New Delhi: Ravi Kumar, a resident of Delhi, has filed a PIL against false ads claiming that the ads were, well, false. (We do need better reporters)

“Ads are nothing but lies,” says Ravi. He says that like any sane Indian he believed in ads too. But then the truth hit him like a truck and he was never the same again.

“I saw this ad for underwear which promised that if you wore it girls would long for acts of a sexual nature with you. Being a true, red blooded, Indian male I immediately ran to the store and bought myself a dozen pairs (I believe in hygiene; you can never have too many pairs of underwear). I was all ready to do IT, man!

But then, a month later, I suddenly realised that I was still a virgin. Things were still the same. NOTHING had changed. It really got my goat, you know.”

Sexed up underwear ads, featuring hunky models, such as this one above, have misled many a young man.

At this point most ordinary men would have gone back to masturbation but Ravi was no ordinary man (although he admits that he did continue with masturbation, “sometimes”). So he took matters into his own hands and immediately went to court and after standing in queues for only three days, he filed a PIL against the sexy underwear company.

And because of Ravi’s brave and selfless act many more people such horror stories are coming to the fore.

“I too realised that ads were duping us,” says Sachin. “I mean look at these cola ads. Initially even I drank a lot of Pepsi to become popular and get a girlfriend like Deepika Padukone, but alas it was not to be. All it did was to make be fat! Now everyone in college makes fun of me … even the girls.”

Research has disproved the widely held notion that drinking certain brands of Cola increases your chances of bagging a good looking girl-friend.

The Times of Bullshit spoke to tens of people and they all has similar heart-wrenching stories of betrayal by advertisements.

“I must have eaten hundreds of Mentos but my prof. still catches my proxies in class,” says Sunil, an engineering student repeating his final year due to a shortage of attendance. “It’s all bullshit….bullshit,” he says.