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Friday, December 26, 2008

Rab Ne Bana Di Ghajini

I never liked Superman all that much for two reasons—the same reasons I never liked Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi, in fact:

  1. How is Louise Lois Lane so dumb? How can she not recognise Superman as Clark Kent? Just because Superman doesn’t wear glasses and Clark Kent does? Of course, Yash Raj Films is a lot more intelligent than DC comics: They make Shahrukh Khan’s alter ego differentiate himself with glasses and a moustache. Quite smart, no? 
  2. Excess powers/acting: Can you really root for someone who is faster than a speeding bullet, is more powerful than a locomotive and can leap tall buildings in a single bound? A bit too much if you ask me. What are Shahrukh Khan’s superpowers, you ask? Acting. And just like Superman he does too much of it. 

Of course, if you really want to watch a movie with a super hero, you’ve got to watch Ghajini. If Rab De was copied from the love story of Louise Lane and Superman, Ghajini is apparently inspired from the Hulk. 

The movie stars Aamir Khan as a person who suffers from short term memory loss—he can’t remember things for more than 15 minutes—a result of getting hit on the head as he battled unsuccessfully to stop his lady love from getting murdered.  The only clue he has, to take his revenge, is the name of his wife’s killer—her last words whispered into his ear—Ghajini. Imagine if the killer’s name had been, say, Ravi—best of luck finding the killer then, chump. 

Apart from that Ghajini has other delightful stuff to keep you entertained, IF YOU GREW UP IN THE 80s, THAT IS: 

  1. A super strong Hero. I’m talking really strong here—chairs break on his back like toothpicks; baseball bats (why baseball bats?) bounce of his booby-like pecks; one punch makes a gunda's head snap around, Exorcist-ishtyle.
  2. An Evil Man as the Villain. He wears thick gold chains and white pants. I told you he was evil.
  3. Hero falls in love because the Heroine is a chirpy, happy-go-lucky girl with a golden heart who is seen by the Hero helping out the following:
    i)              Disabled school girls (gets them into a museum)
    ii)            Old blind man (makes him cross street)
    iii)          Poor girls (saves them from being trafficked as part of the flesh and illegal  organs trade)
  4. Hero enters Villains den and beats up all the small gundas with consummate ease. He then comes face to face with the Villain. Reminded me of the 8-bit video games I used to play.
  5. Villain, on seeing Hero, lets out a blood curling battle cry. The Hero then proceeds to beat the stuffing out of him.
  6. Villain impales Hero with iron rod in stomach. Hero writhes in pain but pulls out the rod and hits the Villain with it.
  7. Exciting fight sequences with brave camera work…or something. For example, when the Hero swings a punch, it’ll be fast-forwarded, but when the gundas are lifted into the air by the force of the punch, it’ll in slow-motion. Terribly exciting.

***

The Aamir is dead. The Shah was never all that alive, anyways. Long live Dibakar Banerjee.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The Fourth Estate

Spin: (noun) A favourable comment or interpretation intended to bias opinion to suit the speaker’s needs.





[Click on pics to enlarge]

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Jamat-ud-Dawah Bans Pak Govt.

Lahore, 29 Feb, 2013: Buckling under a massive international outcry, the Jamat-ud-Dawah has outlawed the Government of Pakistan and placed its leader, Asif Ali Zardari, under house arrest.

This follows the dastardly attacks on the West Bengal Legislative Assembly by an aging Pashtun who was captured alive by the Calcutta Police. The terrorist appeared to be in some sort of trance. All he kept on saying is, “must kill godless commies”. He has also expressed a wish to watch Amitabh Bachchan starrer, Khuda Gawah. Unfortunately, no legislators were harmed in the attack.

With India blaming elements in Pakistan for the attack, the Jamat’s feeble plea that state actors beyond its control were involved in the attack did not cut much ice with the Indians. Hectic parleys followed which ended with the UN Security Council branding the Pakistan Government, a supposed front for the banned Pakistani Army, a terrorist organisation.

Following the UN resolution, the Jamat has declared the Pak Govt. to be a terrorist organisation and has imprisoned its leader on charges of being one hell of a ghar jamai as well as having a really creepy smile.

Hafiz Mohammed Saeed has also called for a “measured reaction” from the Indians. “This is not a time for India and Pakistan to fight. They would win if we did that. We must recognise that Democracy is a problem afflicting both India as well as Pakistan and we must fight it together.”

Democracy has been a headache for Pakistan ever since the State came into existence. In fact, there are large parts of Pakistan over which the writ of the Jamat-ud-Dawah does not run in the least.

In a press release, Zardari criticised both the Jamat and India. “This is a conspiracy by the Indian Government against Pakistan. My Government is a harmless social service organisation. We severed our links with the Pakistani Army a long time back or rather the Army Generals severed their links with us. I swear to God that I have no control over the Army,” said Zardari trying to dissociate himself from the Indian charge of being the legal face of the banned Pakistani Army.

Zardai however put up a brave face with regard to his detention. “I will fight these people just the way my dead wife fought them. In fact, my detention reminds me of my wife’s detention in Larkana. I even asked the Jamat to send me to London where my, er, poor, yes poor, wife was a mohajir for so many years,” said Zardari.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Spammers are People Too

In times like these, one feels the little niceties of life are lost. I mean who has the time to thank someone in this dog eat dog world?

But there are some people for whome manners come before all else. Check out this spam mail I got:

Click to Enlarge

It’s nice to know that this gentleman had the courtesy to apologise for spamming my mail box.

I can just see it now:

Spammer’s wife: “But, honey, it’s wrong to spam people. People lose billions of dollars due to it.”

Spammer: “Don’t worry dear. I’ll apologise after insinuating that their phalluses aren’t big enough. Is that ok?”

Spammer's wife: "Awww!!! That's so sweet. Mummy was wrong. You are an awesome person."

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Politicians, are, Like, You Know, so Uncool!


You know what’s wrong with that placard? It’s in English.

How many people in India can talk in English let alone read it. Yet, the hoity-toity South Mumbai crowd had its banners in English to insult politicians—politicians who are elected by a set very different from the demographics of this crowd.

Symbolism of the language apart, it’s mildly amusing to see someone like Shobha De (if you’ve read her articles in the ToI or seen her blowing air kisses on TV) work herself into an apoplectic rage over these attacks. In fact, the whole of middle class India has worked itself into a rage and it has only one target in its crosshairs—the Indian politician. I get E-mails every day comparing Abhinav Bindra with NSG commandos, SMSes telling me about arcane provisions in the Indian constitution which allow me to register my vote for “nobody” and such.

But tell me, dear E-mail sender, what use is it to castigate all politicians? What does it even mean? What use will it be if we go to the polling booths and don’t return a legislator? Will a Parliament with 200 members instead of 545 be a huge improvement? If we get rid of all politicians, who will rule? The Army? Ah! Yes, now there’s a good choice. The Pakistani Army destroyed Pakistan. Why stop the Indian Army from doing the same to India?

I, personally, don’t see any changes in our system coming out of this attack. Yes, E-mails will be sent and apocryphal constitutional provisions discussed, but when the dust settles, the System will remain the same as before. To change the System we need to change the people who make up the System.

However, with the level of poverty and illiteracy present in India, people identify more with ancient codes of caste and religion rather than what’s going on in the Wasabi in South Mumbai.

Maybe the day there is a power station supplying power to Balia, Uttar Pradesh so that an E-mail about overpaid Olympic shooters can reach a reader there, we will see some progress. Till then, I doubt it.

P.S: I wonder if Bindra has got one of those E-mails.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Dear Mr. Terrorist,

My name is not Hades. Some of the more intelligent readers of The Times of Bullshit, no doubt, suspect that.

My name is Shoaib Daniyal. No, that won’t do. My name is Shoaib Mohammed Daniyal.

You say that you killed 195 people in Mumbai to avenge the maltreatment that people like me with names like Mohammed have faced in India.

Let me tell you something about my self. I did my schooling in Calcutta in one of the city’s finest schools—La Martiniere for Boys. I completed my graduation in Electrical Engineering from the Birla Institute of Technology, Mesra and am now employed with a premier business research firm in Gurgaon.
Maltreated? How?

If there was wide spread discrimination against Muslims, as you claim, how did these institutions take me in? A cursory look at my name is all it takes, if you want to discriminate.

That’s not to say that India is perfect. To get a house in Gurgaon I had to lie about my religion. I claimed I was Christian, playing up the similarity between ‘Daniel’ and ‘Daniyal’. People would not let out their house to a person named Shoaib Mohammed Daniyal.

But for that will you kill 195 people? For that will you hold hundreds more hostage? For that will you destroy a city?

And even if you do, how will that help the India Muslim? Will people now let out their flats to me? Will future landlords now say, “Bravo! Terroristsdestroyed Mumbai for you. Here are the keys to my flat. If you need anything, I’m at your beck and call.”

I don’t need retarded scum like you to make my life better. If anything, your barbaric actions will make my life worse. Much worse.

The Indian Muslim doesn’t need people killing in his name. He needs reform. The community is one of the most backward communities in India, a large part of the blame for which it will have to shoulder itself. Partition had already crippled the community, giving the Indian Muslim the easy tag of a ‘foreigner’ in his very land of birth. Do you think the he now needs Pakistani terrorists to come in and create mayhem and anarchy in India?

People across India are angry, and justifiably so. And people who are angry often act irrationally. There are calls for tougher anti-terror laws—a demand that the Congress could stave off. Till now. Our PM has already announced that his government will tighten existing laws. By carrying out this attack you have provided just the opening fundamentalists in our country needed. Who will stop the Right Wing now? The BJP has already taken out ads in Delhi which read “Fight Terror. Vote BJP” written on a background of blood. Rediff boards ring with calls for Modi as PM. And in a perverse sort of way, I agree. This government has totally failed to protect us from you.

So thanks for your concern, but no, thanks. If you want to blow yourself up and ascend to heaven, please go and do it while destroying your own country.

JUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF MINE.

Yours,

Shoaib Mohammed Daniyal

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Men of the World Unite! (err, figuratively speaking only)


It was supposed to be an evening of good clean fun. A movie, dinner and inappropriate body searches at malls. You know, the usual.

We chose Dostana. Seemed like a nice movie. Priyanka Chopra, who last played a bold racist character in Fashion, seemed nice. Plus a movie named Dostana can’t go wrong now can it? Good clean wholesome fun about friendship, family and maybe even kheer. “They might even have a song or two on a motorbike with a sidecar”, I thought as I went into the theatre.

Twenty minutes into the movie I felt as a child would on being touched inappropriately by the very Catholic Priests who were supposed to teach him about God—betrayed, hurt and eventually angry.

I can recall the exact scene when my naiveté turned to outrage: John Abraham gets out of bed with one buttock clearly on display, his grey-coloured underpants askew.

The camera follows his behind for what seemed to be like an eternity.

It was horrible. Horrible.

I felt unclean, impure and violated. The girls in the audience—pigs all of them, pigs—cheered lustily. I bowed my head down in shame and prayed silently for my country.

What about the dignity of men? Does John have no shame? Ain't he sweet, making profits off his meat?

And what about the censors? Where the fuck are they? Would they have allowed Priyanka’s, admittedly exquisitely shaped, butt to be displayed to the world? Why do we have these double standards for men and women?

When Fire, a movie about two lesbians, was released look at the furore that was created. People wailed, “It’ll destroy India’s culture.” This, for a film where, if you ask me, the casting was all wrong. Who wants to watch girl-on-girl when one of the "girls" is Shabana Azmi?

Err, but that’s not the point. A film about two men who pretend to be gay, is released without a hitch. No protests. Nothing.

I mean where’s the Shiv Sena when you bloody need it?

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Fair and Lovely Dissapointed with Obama Win

In a shocking revelation The Times of Bullshit has learnt that Fair and Lovely, India was a major campaign contributor to the McCain Presidential campaign.

Says, the CEO of Fair and Lovely, who, intriguingly, did not want to be named:” A Bla, er…man with a wheatish complexion becoming the most powerful man in the world is disastrous for our brand.”

The amount is still undisclosed but the contribution came to light after a thorough reading the of the company’s quarterly report.

A spokesman (well, of all the people you can’t expect Fair and Lovely chaps to call it spokesperson) for the brand denied all wrong doing, though. “It was our democratic right as citizens of India, to support the US Presidential campaign,” says the spokesman, who says he is greatly inspired by Martin Luther King in his daily life.

The Times of Bullshit has also learnt that the brand is planning to overhaul its marketing strategy. Its next catch line will be: “Fairnes which allows you to achieve your dreams, unless you want to be President of America

Hindusthan Unilever, makers of Fair and Lovely, is also planning to introduce a skin darkening cream in the US to capitalize on the Obama win.

The marketing of the campaign will follow a similar theme to its previous ads: man runs for president; is rejected ‘cause he is too white (not too mention old, very old); he then uses the cream along with the revolutionary campaign theme “Yes, we most probably can” and wins this time around.

In other related news, Michael Jackson has attempted to kill his plastic surgeon after the Obama win.



Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Health is, er, Wealth

The Knowledgeable People say greed caused the Great Financial Crisis. Greed which made them ignore common sense.

Well, as I learnt, this isn’t a phenomenon limited to Wall Street.

I got a flyer—an advertisement for a newly opened health club in Gurgaon—with my morning newspaper yesterday. Here’s a part of it which shows the benefits they offer:


[Click to Enlarge]

Free soft drinks? Offered by a health club? Wah!

Friday, November 7, 2008

Path Breaking Movie Exposes Fashion Industry


The Indian people caught up as they are in the humdrum of life—bomb blasts, sons-of the-soil protests, legalising homosexuality—often miss the finer points of life. I am, of course, talking about fashion.


People have made sincere attempts though to educate us, though; FTV, for example. Educational shows such as Midnight Hot and my personal favourite: The Making of the Pirelli Calendar, have no doubt taught many a young man the importance of the right clothes—or the lack thereof, at any rate.


And in spite of the hostile reactions that these noble attempt at fashion education have received, Madhur Bhandarkar (a.k.a. Caricature Man) has bravely gone ahead and made his own film in order to educate us on the inner workings of the fashion world.


“The name of the movie, I knew, had to set the tone of the movie. It had to be classy like fashion itself. Fashion was therefore an obvious choice. It’s subtle too, just like the actual movie” says a beaming Bhandarkar.


Fashion goes on to teach the Indian public each and everything there is to know about the fashion world. Bhandarakar exposes the underlying homosexuality of ALL male fashion designers (sadly, all the women are straight, saala); ridicules the morality of small town girls who refuse to drink, smoke or have casual sex and then goes on to ridicules the morality of the rich and famous who drink, smoke and have casual sex.


No topic is taboo for Caricature Man who claims to be an “iconoclast”. Drugs for example: Models are shown to be snorting Coke with impunity—I guess snorting coke in public, unlike smoking cigarettes, is legal. Kangana Raunat’s character, when on screen, is either snorting cocaine or, in her more sober moods, is drinking.


Bhandarkar also takes on the subject of race and, as is his wont, swims against the tide. In these Obama-times, Priyanka’s character is an unabashed racist. She realises that she has reached her nadir only after waking up from an alcohol-induced one-night stand with a Black man.


Fashion shows us the sheer stress that these models go through and how tough their job actually is. Priyanka Chopra has a panic attack as she tries to attempt the extremely difficult and nerve-wracking task of walking 50 meters from one end of the ramp to the other. It’s a heart-wrenching scene.


The story ends with hope, though. Priyanka, by sheer force of will and support from her friends and family, does manage to walk 54 meters on the ramp this time.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Via Agra

Mumtaz Mahal gave birth to thirteen of Shah Jahan’s children in nineteen years of marriage to him. Undoubtedly worn out, she passed way after giving birth to his fourteenth child.

The Taj Mahal—a monument to love? More like a monument to excessive love. Maybe the Buddha chap was right with his Middle Way gobbledygook—even with love.


***

Fairness, unlike in the Fair and Lovely ads, isn’t a virtue in Agra. Foreigners, which in this case largely mean Americans and Europeans—didn’t really see people from other parts of the world there—have to pay Rs. 250 to see the Taj Mahal while we only have to pay Rs. 20.

The complex is inundated with them, though.

The guides have a merry time too, taking them for a ride and I just don’t mean financially; I over heard one guide telling a group,” …and then he bought her (Mumtaz Mahal's) ashes here and had them buried.”

Even the chap who looks after the shoes—you have to too take off your shoes when you enter the debauched king’s tomb—fleeces them, selling them a sort of “shoe covering” which allows them to walk into the tomb without taking their shoes off.


***

Some people say that the beauty of the Taj Mahal is “indescribable”.

Those people are right.


***

The Agra Fort, built by Akbar, is grand, if unkept. Most parts of the fort though, are occupied by the Army and are out of bounds to visitors which I find rather absurd. Apparently the Army recruiters weren’t joking when they promised a King’s life in the Army.

The largest crowd puller in the Fort was the diwan-e-aam. A look at it should explain why:






By the way, the set designers of the movie did do a good job, I'd say. It's pretty much identical to the real thing.

***

The Akshardham temple in Delhi, on the other hand, scrupulously follows the instructions laid down by its co-dharmic cousin.

The temple, apparently the largest Hindu temple in the world, built by the numerically minuscule Swaminarayan Sect, had this board at its entrance:



[Click to Enlarge]


Now that’s what I call a middle path—short skirts and burkhas banned.


Friday, October 24, 2008

Raju Chacha

In a rational move which smacks overtly of common sense, MNS cadre have bought the capital city of Maharashtra to a standstill, to protest against non-Maharashtrians.

Says a local level leader of the MNS,”These non-Maharashtrians were destroying Mumbai’s culture and ethos. Now you know that we Maharashtrians are second to none. So we said:’ they’ve destroyed the culture and ethos of the city; big deal! We’ll destroy the city itself! That’ll show them! Ha!’”

In a bid to prove that Maharashtrians can destroy stuff better than Hindi-speakers, MNS cadre went on a rampage in Mumbai, first setting fire to buses, allegedly because the buses did not speak Marathi. They followed that up by targeting taxis and auto rickshaws which did not speak Marathi.

The violence was not confined to Mumbai though; it justifiably spread to other parts of Maharashtra, including Pune—capital of the once-mighty Peshwa Empire.

“Pune once challenged the mighty Mughal Empire! Today we Maharashtrians will pelt three Pune Municipal Transport buses with stones to show how great we are. Jay Maharashtra!”, said an MNS leader in Pune, trying to incite a crowd to riot.

Taking a cue from their Maharshtrian brethren, in another extremely sensible, tit-for-tat move, Biharis have taken to destroying railway property in Bihar, including trains and railway stations. Protesters set the Motihari Railway station, in Bihar, on fire as well as attacking several Bihar-bound trains.

“How dare these Maharashtrians inconvenience Biharis”, raged a rioter, while trying to set fire to a railway station in Bihar.

The protests to support Biharis in Maharashtra have thrown the whole railway apparatus in Bihar out of gear, thus greatly inconveniencing Biharis in Bihar.




In spite of efforts to divide the country, Indians, from Mumbai (left) to Motihari (right), have bravely shown that the bonds of stupidity tie us tightly together.


Earlier, Shiv Sena and MNS lumpen competed to beat up Biharis who had come for the railway recruitment exams in Mumbai. The two groups almost came to blows but eventually sorted out their differences peacefully in order to beat up the sleeping Biharis.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Dilli Dur Ast


My father, while visiting me in Delhi, suddenly decided that he needed to visit the Nizamuddin dargah, that too on a Friday. Not that my father is a very religious person but I guess if he had to fill in his Orkut/Facebook profile he’d put in something like “spiritual but not religious”. 

Now the problem with these places is the bloody crowd. For some reason, God and the people who get you to Him are an awfully popular lot and so it was with thedargah too. The only saving grace was that since we were visiting the place at the time of the Jumma Namaz, a large number of people had at least had a bath. The same can hardly be said of, say, a bus or a railway reservation counter. 

The area around the dargah itself was a typical Muslim mohallah of the type seen in Central Calcutta. Narrow dingy lanes with a profusion of small hotals selling extremely delicious food—Qormas, Qalias, Niharis, kheeri—as long as you don’t mind that from time to time, the man roasting your kawab, scratches his kawab through the folds of his lungi. 




In the background is Ghalib’s tomb which, as far as I could see, had no visitors.

 For those unable to read Devanagri: The two posters are wishing people for Eid. The one on the left belongs to the BJP, while the other belongs to the BSP.


Getting to the dargah meant passing through a number of narrow galis selling all manners of knick-knacks. There were wall hangings with the first Qalma, key chains with the number 786, Urdu books on Shahrukh Khan and quite a few shops selling, what they called, “Islamic VCDs and cassettes”—as if just having a dargah wasn’t enough to make Abd al-Wahhab turn in his grave.  

The entrance had, what has become a Delhi staple—a metal detector. The detector was defunct, though—a clear sign of the Delhi Police’s faith in the saint. After all if the saint can’t protect his own tomb, what good is he? 




The people of the area get the BJP’s support

Born to a father named Daniyal in 1238, Nizamuddin Auliya was obviously destined for greatness. Moving to Delhi at the age of five from his birthplace in UP, he performed wondrous miracles which elevated him from the status of a mere mortal to a celebrated saint—cursing the city of Tughlaqabad to ruin, predicting the death of emperor Ghiyas-ud-Din Tughluq and even having a gay partner in Amir Khusrau, the royal poet of the Delhi Sultanate. 



Fast eroding values

In fact, the complex also houses Khursrau’s grave which wears a rather deserted look. The only two people there were a couple of bored teenage boys, dressed in spotless kurta-pajamas, discussing the upcoming India-Australia series.  

Auliya’s tomb, serviced by no less that two split ACs, was , on the other hand, was bustling with people lining up to offer a chadar to the saint, shepherded by a man who kept on shouting “beware of pick-pockets”.  

The saint is obviously a lot more effective against bombers.


Note: The first picture is from Wikipedia. The rest have been taken by me.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Mumbai Police Smash Crime with Raid on Party

In a daring raid (here is the staid version of the story), Mumbai police busted a rave party in the wee hours of Monday. The rave was apparently not your ordinary walk-on-the-grass with the relatives of the high and mighty of Bollywood—even Shakti Kapoor's son was present there—being involved in this heinous act of debauchery 

The raid was carried out by a crack team from the anti-narcotics department who were shocked by the depravity they witnessed. Says a constable who didn’t wish to be named:” I am an honest (sic) middle class cop. Plus I’m Marathi, so what I saw there shocked me. Drugs, sex and alcohol all around. Plus I saw a young man, undoubtedly under the influence of hard drugs, doing a macabre dance dressed only in his loose striped chaddis and a banyan and carrying out unspeakable acts with his nara. The horror!” 



Shakti Kapoor is shocked to hear of the raid


In what must be a rare occurrence, the Mumbai police have received plaudits from citizens for ignoring all other crimes and concentrating on the drug habits of the rich and famous. 

Mumbaikar, Ravi Kumar says, “Hats off to the Mumbai police. Bombay had 212 murders and 198 rapes last year. Any lesser police force would have concentrated on these so-called “serious” crimes, but I’m proud that my police force ignores these crimes and goes for what’s really important—the morals of rich little spoilt brats.”


 Rajkumar is grateful to the Mumbai police for bettering his life by carrying out that raid

 

The police though have faced some flak from Bollywood for its “heavy-handedness”. 

A police officer explains that there is “no heavy- heavy-handedness here at all. The Narcotics Act empowers us to book adults taking drugs. The problem with these “adult” Indians is that they start thinking they are actual adults. Just because an "adult" can decide who will rule the country doesn’t mean he can take decisions like whether he can smoke marijuana. He’s not adult enough to take that decision. We policemen have to take that decision for them. It’s quite a burden, you know, playing papa to these people, but somebody has to take the responsibility, I guess.”

Monday, October 6, 2008

Government Hides Cricket Match from Nation

The BCCI has announced today that recently it organised a match between the board President’s XI and Australia in Hyderabad.

In what was an apparent bid to protect the Australians from terror strikes, knowledge of the match, while it was being played, was withheld from the public leading to empty stands and poor TRP ratings.

When this correspondent reached the ground, tipped of by his sources, he found only seven people and two dogs watching the match. In a country that worships cricket and ads featuring cricketers, such a spectacle was far from natural.



Not a bomber in sight

The correspondent did try and speak to some of the “spectators” but most of them pretended to be sleeping in an obvious move by the government to avoid the press.

We did however manage to speak to Arnab Bondhopadhya, who quite cryptic in his answers too. When asked whether anybody prevented him from coming to the ground, all he did was nod, without taking his eyes of the match, and answer, “Yesh, my bhife”

He, however, did open up a bit during the lunch break. “This is the 363rd match played by the Board President’s XI and the 43rd time that a captain is leading them who does not feature in the test team. This is also the 89th time that the captain of the Board President’s XI has hit a century and the 47th time he has done it in the second innings. For Yuvraj Singh…”

Attempts to get any information out of him failed as he stonewalled the correspondent using an extremely clever tactic, shown above, of evading my questions.

Although the match was shown on TV to maintain a show of normalcy, the Government’s machinations made sure that it garnered TRPs less than even that of the telecast of Parliament debates on Lok Sabha TV.


The BCCI President, Sharad Pawar, has assured us that the actual matches between India and Australia will be held normally. “After all”, said Mr. Pawar, quoting Virender Sehwag, “Delhi is not like Pakistan”.




As the two images of Chandi chowk(left) and Anarkali Bazaar(above) clearly show, Delhi is not like Pakistan

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Rock On Sweeps Wall Street off its Feet


Farhan Akhtar starrer ‘Rock On’ has turned out to be a sleeper hit in the United States.

 The film, about an investment banker who risks it all to follow his passion, has apparently struck a cord with the thousands of investment bankers who have suddenly found that their passion—making money—has been bought to an abrupt halt. 

Says, former investment banker, John Smith: “Farhan’s character had it all: a job in investment banking which paid him enough for him to have a friggin’ fountain or something in his house, a beautiful wife and a lisp. But in spite of all that he isn’t happy. It’s only when he tries to make even more money by moonlighting as the lead singer of a band that he’s truly happy. Now that, my man, is the real I-banking spirit. 

In these difficult times ‘Rock On’ inspires because it is ultimately a story of hope triumphing almost insurmountable odds. It teaches us that if a person with Farhan Akhtar’s voice can become the lead singer of a rock band, the U.S. overcoming its greatest economic crisis since the depression is child’s play. It also teaches us to have faith in God and His miracles. Didn’t He provide ‘Magik’ with an invisible bassist?” 

The lead-actor of the movie, Farhan Akhtar has become a phenomenon on Wall Street with middle aged bankers ex-bankers gushing about him like they were 14 year old school girls. 

“”Ooooh! He’s soo cool! And his lisp is just soo sexy,” squeals 41-year old Miranda Ferdinand, who claims Sylvester the cat is her favourite cartoon character. 

The film has been critically acclaimed too, apart from being a commercial success. 

Noted financial guru, Paul Gartner, claims that ‘Rock On’ is a film with a “message”.

“The film shows us that leaving our financial assets exclusively in the hands of bankers isn’t a good idea. While we maybe under the impression that they are hard at work trying to increase our money, all they might be doing is playing in some band-shand. 

‘Rock On’ also presciently hints at the glaring shortcomings of bankers when Aditya (Farhan Akhtar’s character), who later on becomes an investment banker, misspells the word “”magic” and names his band “magik”.

The movie asks us: ‘Can we trust our life savings with people who can’t even spell or, more importantly, sing songs named ‘Sinbad the Sailor’?’,” says Gartner.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Delhi Belly

“I never believed, but it's true, my God, they wipe their bottoms with paper only!”
- Amina Sinai, Midnight’s Children.

A genius of an inventor, who is unfortunately unknown, has invented what is most probably the most significant invention since the Atom bomb – the Jet

And just like the A bomb, The Jet will change the way whole nations function.
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I was house hunting in Gurgaon a couple of months back when I first came across it.

“Sirjee, the flat has full power back-up; 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 12 mo…”

“Haan, haan but how much?”

“Um, 14, 500 rupees, Sirjee ”

“Too much, boss. I told you my budget is 10 grand max.”

“Arre Sir, par the flat is so good. Garden hai, lift hai, bathroom mein jet hai…”

“Jet? Kya jet? Bathroom mei jet hai? Kya matlab?”

Although the rent was well out of my budget but there’s something about the human brain which makes one terribly curious when one hears the words “bathroom mein jet hain”. So I asked the agent to show me.
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It was rather unremarkable in appearance. All it consisted of was a nozzle attached to the back of the pot. After you finish your business turn on the tap beside the pot and it shoots a jet of water at your … well, you get the idea.

What’s truly remarkable about the Jet is that it represents progress in a field that has remained stagnant ever since the beginning of civilisation.

Today everything is done for us, automatically by technology. We fly in airplanes instead of walking. Computers do our calculations for us and even check our spellings. Missiles fired at the touch of a button can kill and maim people a thousand miles away. The Internet brings us porn from around the world to satiate our lust at the click of a mouse.

Yet, in the matter of morning ablutions, we are stuck in the stone ages. It’s as if we’ve, er, washed our hands of the matter.

But things will no doubt change with the introduction of the Jet. Now washing up afterwards will also be done automatically just like the rest of the day’s tasks.

All you have to do is turn on the tap controlling the Jet and maybe just shift a bit, you know, to get the aim spot-on, and voila! you’re done and on your way to a wonderful day without…umm… even lifting a finger.

And what’s more, although modern India would disappoint Gandhiji in many ways, at least he’ll be happy knowing that millions of his countrymen are getting instant enemas.

Note: I did not take that flat in the end and unfortunately ended up with a flat with a rather prosaic and normal toilet.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

India Wins NSG Waiver

The Government is ecstatic about the waiver from the NSG, which would allow India to carry out nuclear commerce.

"We never had a doubt that the deal would come through," says National Security Adviser M.K. Narayanan. "Who would stop us? New Zealand? Pshaw! India produces a New Zealand every ten minutes. Although I admit in the middle it did get tough. New Zealand just wasn't getting convinced that we would be a responsible nuclear power. So we even though of nuking the country but Sharad Pawar put a spanner in our works as he didn't want one less test playing nation just before he became ICC chief."

He was however somewhat taciturn on the matter of China's sly intransigence.

"What China does is China's internal matter and for that you'll have to ask the CPI (M)"


The Communist Party of India (Marxist) meets to discuss the India-US nuclear deal. (file photo)


China worked rather furiously behind the scenes to try and sabotage the deal but diplomatic niceties will force it to put on a show of support.

"We congratulate India on the NSG waiver," said a press release from the Chinese Foreign Ministry. "We also hope that it will act responsibly to maintain the stability of the region just like we have done by illegally transferring nuclear material and technology to Pakistan and encouraging good and honest people like A.Q. Khan. And since we are a dictatorship we are also in awe of India’s strong and robust democracy, which helped us more than we could have ever dreamed of. The Left Parties and the BJP have stood like a rock with us during this deal and we join them in mourning the successful signing of the deal. "

Friday, September 5, 2008

Happy Teachers Day!

Today is Teacher’s Day celebrated on the birthday of our second President, Sarvepalli Radhakrishnan. Don’t worry if you know nothing about him and are wondering why you are reading this post – you’re quite normal.

On Teacher’s day, our great nation, which is well on its way to overtake every other nation, celebrates our reverence of the teacher- the Guru- in our culture. Throughout history we have revered our Gurus and placed them on a pedestal even above God and continue to do so even today .

Well, to commemorate this great day The Times of Bullshit organised a portry writing competition for kids. We promised that the best pome which reflects the ethos of Teacher’s day in India would be featured here and we have fulfilled our promise.

The winner of the contest was Roger. He says he wants to be an architect when he grows up and his favourite colour is pink. Surprisingly for a boy his age his favourite fim is the Amitabh Bachan starrer - 'Deewar'. Quite a kid! His pome is heart-warmingly titled ‘The Happiest days of Our Lives’. Here it is:


The Happiest days of Our Lives

Well, when we grew up and went to school,
There were certain teachers,
Who would hurt the children in any way they could,
By pouring their derision,
Upon anything we did,
Exposing every weakness,
However carefully hidden by the kids.

But in the town it was well known,
When they got home at night,
Their fat and psychopathic wives would thrash them,
Within inches of their lives.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

What's in name?

A long time back Max Mueller had said:

“If I were asked under what sky the human mind has most fully developed some of its choicest gifts I should point to India.”

The existence of a mohalla called “Chutia” in the town of Ranchi more than proves him correct.


[Click on picture to enlarge. Image courtesy The AD Zone ]


The locality even has its own Police station: Chutia Police Thana.

I remember the local edition of The Telegraph coming up with the following headline: “Chutia police at wits end after crime wave”. Or something to that effect. Remember, exaggeration isn’t a crime.

For some unknown reason, Hindi cuss words are banned there.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Missing pens send country into a tizzy

The Government intends to launch a major probe into a matter which directly affects large numbers of our citizens, including you – Where do all our bloody pens go?

Says Ashwini Kumar, Chief of the CBI:” Every year 300 million pens are manufactured and sold in the country; yet whenever you go to a bank or ticket counter or wherever, you’ll have people borrowing pens left, right and centre. Where do all these bloody pens go? Have you ever thought about it?”

Although this might seem like a small matter when compared to our problems like poverty, female infanticide and non-Marathi signboards, it apparently isn’t says Medhakar Pat, from the ‘Every pen is precious’ NGO, whose aim is to “save the pen”.

“You don’t realise how important this is,” says Medhakar. “Do you realise the loss in productivity at schools, banks, offices etc because of the time wasted borrowing pens? The mental harassment faced by people forced to borrow pens from complete strangers? The constant haranguing faced by the few people who still have their have pens by those who don’t?

And the mystery is that millions of pens are manufactured every year but yet no one seems to have one. Think about it; how many times have you found yourself without one and having to borrow from some stranger as a result. Think of all the times that you bought a pen which then mysteriously disappeared. What happens to all these pens that are being manufactured?”

A mystery indeed...


Missing pens, like terrorism, is a problem afflicting both India as well as America


Arjun Singh, minister for Human Resource and Development, responsible for education, has also hinted at the shadowy foreign hand.

“There are evil foreign powers just waiting to destabilise our country and what better way than to make our pens disappear so that we are left floundering just in order to perform the basic function of writing.

It’s evil this plan. I don’t want to name the Government that’s doing this but all I’ll say that its name starts with P ends with N and occupies Pakistan-Occupied-Kashmir. Beyond this, my lips are sealed .”

Disclaimer: This article contains no puerile sexual innuendo. So don’t start laughing just ‘cause you find the words ‘pen’ and ‘is’ in succession anywhere in the article.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Sub-continent Declares War on China over no Cricket in Olympics


In a shocking move, India, Pakistan and Bangladesh have entered into a military coalition and threatened to declared war on China.

The provocation appears to be the non-inclusion of Cricket as a sport in the ongoing Olympics.

Says, Manmohan Singh, Prime Minister of India:”We had peacefully appealed to China to include Cricket as an Olympic sport, even the T20 version. We were even ready to compromise and have a T10 version, when there were complaints about the length of the game but the Fuck*ng Chinese refused to budge. If they'd listened we might have won a medal and beaten even Azerbaijan in the medal count.”

“Our Pakistani friends and fellow Cricket junkies then contacted us to suggest a coalition of sorts for the greater good of the Game. We even roped in Bangladesh.”

Ashfaq Kayani, Chief of Army Staff of the Pakistan Army, agrees with Prime Minister Singh. “How dare they deny the people of the sub-continent a place on the Olympic stage? We could have easily got a medal, yaar. Don’t forget, we bloody reached the finals of the T20 World Cup.”

Indiscriminate cheating at the Olympics has lead to a clamour for an overhaul of the system, including introducing cleaner sports like Cricket.


The Coalition, with India’s armed might, Pakistan’s superior intelligence gathering capabilities and excellent cooks from Bangladesh would be a formidable foe even for a military Superpower like China.

Sources say that the introduction of some really weird “sports” in the Olympics was the last straw for the Coalition. Some of them are:

Race Walking: Remember those hall monitors in school who caught you when you were running in the corridors? Well that apparently is the inspiration for this sport where you are given a red card if you run instead of walk. Hell! Arjuna Ranatunga, who "walked his singles as far as possible, would be a bloody natural at this.

Synchronised swimming: It’s “a hybrid of swimming, gymnastics, and dance” says Wikipedia. Ooh! All three! Wowee!

But it ain’t no sport, Punk, you got that, huh?




Bottoms up: Synchronised swimming is
all about grace

“How dare they introduce these stupid sports and leave out the gentleman’s name. War is the only recourse,” said a chap who claims to be the President of Bangladesh. Enquiries were made regarding his name at the press-conference but no one was aware of what it was.

We did contact the Chinese Government and this is the statement they released:

北京奥运会决出21枚金牌,包括乒乓球、曲棍球、跆拳道、田径和皮划艇。中国军团获得1金2银3铜,金牌数达47枚,奖牌数达89枚,有望冲击50金以及百枚奖牌大关。在女单比赛中,张怡宁和王楠分获冠亚军,小将郭跃夺铜。另外,博尔特和队友一起夺取了男子4x100米接力赛冠军,并以37秒10的成绩把世界纪录提高了0.3秒。 ”

If someone understands it, please do tell us what it is.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Terrorists complain about bureaucratic red tape in the country

Bureaucratic hassles have tied up a sleeper cell of three Pakistani terrorists in the Capital leaving them with little time to carry out their plans of death and destruction.

Says an exasperated Abdul, leader of the cell:” Ever since we’ve come to Delhi we have been running after some babu or the other. You tell me how is a terrorist supposed to do his work in peace in conditions like these?”

According to the terrorists, trouble started as soon as they got a flat.

“We had to procure a gas connection,” says Abdul. “This outside-shoutside food doesn’t suit me, yaar…and this greasy Punjabi food, baba. I have to watch my weight, you know… plus the oil causes pimples.”

However getting a gas connection proved to be somewhat of an uphill task requiring them to fill up numerous forms in triplicate, run from pillar to post trying to get some address proof and even getting beaten up during an altercation while they were in the queue to get the application form for the connection.

As a result of all the brouhaha in getting this gas connection all their work to try and cause a massive terrorist strike ground to a halt.

But why didn’t they just buy one on the black market?

“NEVER!” cries an indignant Abdul. “Tauba tauba, that’s corruption, boss. It’s wrong. As citizens (albeit false) of this country it is our duty not to encourage corruption. It’s corruption that is slowly destroying this great country,” says the terrorist while assembling a 2 kiloton bomb on the sofa in his flat. “I would never do such a thing…never,” he says a tad emotionally.


Abdul strikes a cool terrorist pose for the camera




Their problems didn’t end with the gas connection though.

“We needed PAN cards to obtain mobile phone connections. Apparently the Govt. has introduced these measures to deter terrorists. However, getting these PAN cards turned out to be another Herculean ordeal.”

“And till we got our mobile phone connections we had to call Islamabad from a PCO booth every night (after 10 PM as the rates were lower then). The lines were so bloody long plus that SOB shopkeeper pretended never to have any change so that he could pocket the balance, saala,” says an almost in tears Abdul.

“I was such an ordeal, oh God.”

“To get those PAN cards we had to go to the Aaykar Bhavan four times. Each time they found something wrong with our form. And now it’s been two months since they finally accepted my form and I still haven’t received the cards,” fumed Abdul.

Abduls’ story is a well known one to every Indian. In spite of getting obscene pay hikes and unlimited free chai and samosas, our bureaucrats have made life hell for the common man – whether they are law abiding citizens or terrorists.

“As a result of all this we missed our bomb making classes in Kerala too,” rues Abdul. “Because of which we had to miss out on causing a bomb blast on the 15th of August. Sheesh!”

“Now we’ll have to appear for the classes during the next semester and try and cause the blasts on Republic Day.”

“Kya hoga is desh ka,” sighs Abdul – a sentiment shared, I think, by each and every patriotic Indian.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

New Form of English Revolutionizes the World

The English speaking world has seen the introduction of many Englishes over the years; from the original imposter – American English to the new kids on the block like Hinglish, all of them have changed English to some extent or the other.

However, linguistics have recently discovered a strain of English which is so revolutionary and so radical that its promises to shake up the English speaking world. They call the new strain: “Inglish” or Inzamam’s English named after its founder, Inzamam-ul-Haq, former Captain of the Pakistan Cricket team. 

What’s so radical about this new form of English? Well, Inglish™ dramatically reduces the number of words taken to express an idea. For example when Inzamam was asked the reason for Pakistan’s loss to Ireland in the 2007 World Cup other captains using more standard forms of Enlgish would have laboured on about God, the pitch and bad luck for ever, Inzamam wrapped it up with the words:

"Inshallah, pitch bad…umm...boys played .. umm … badly… Ireland good … bahuth shukriya."

Using a total of only 10 words (not counting the umms) Inzamam had described a World Cup ODI defeat to Ireland! Amazing!

Linguists say the secret behind Inglish is the use of what are called Keywords™. Instead of labouring on with superfluous words like prepositions, conjunction, articles etc, Inglish™ uses the Keywords™ present in the idea to get right to the point.


Inzamam is felicitated for having invented Inglish

This soul-stirring speech by Inzamam, after the Oval test ball-tampering incident, is taken to be the magna carta of the language:
“Ahem… Balls not tampered. My balls, I never touch, never. Whole Pakistan team see my balls. They good. Not tampered. In tip-top condition. Hair not look at balls well. Hair cheats… Bahuth shukriya.”

Avid cricket fan Ravi Kumar, says the speech moved something deep inside of him. “The brevity and in spite of the brevity, the eloquence leaves you spell bound,” says Ravi, in obvious awe of Inglish™.



In spite of inventing a form of English, Inzy remains a pucca Pakistani at heart. He is seen above playing a popular Pakistani folk game - War.

Experts also say that Inglish™ will lead to huge savings in data storage. A sentence of 10 words can now be compressed to 2-3 words thanks to Inglish™, saving millions of dollars. Says Larry Page, co-founder of Google: “Inglish™ will be a godsend for Google. The number of pages we’ll have to index will do down dramatically leading to massive savings for us.”

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Country looks to Leaders to Tide over a Bad Time

Three days after consecutive blasts rocked the cities of Bangalore and Ahmadabad, India is still in a state of shock.

And as in any times of crisis, the Indian people have turned to their respected leaders for succour and comfort. Our leaders have not disappointed either and have risen to the occasion providing inspiring leadership when it mattered the most.

Congress President Sonia Gandhi was quick to condemn the blast. She also added a shocking revelation. She claimed that “people who want to disturb the peace of the country are behind it (the blasts)”. This sent the country into a tizzy as till now the general public was under the assumption that the blasts were carried out by people who did not want to disturb the peace of the country.



Sonia Gandhi shocked the nation with her brave revelations


The BJP too offered its condolences to the victims and made its sincerest effort to present a united face to terror. In a press conference held on Monday, Sushma Swaraj tried to bolster the confidence of the nation by claiming that the blasts were “a conspiracy to divert attention from the cash-for-votes scandal”. In a further statesman-like move to maintain communal harmony she also claimed that the blasts were an “attempt to win-over the Muslim votes which got divided after the pro-American deal pursued by the government”


Sushma Swaraj mourns for the victims of terror

Ravi Kumar, a common man, said, “I feel totally safe. With leaders like these how can one not? I know my country is in safe hands. “

And although with leaders like these I don’t feel the need to wish for too much, I do have one small wish. May God grant leaders like these to the terrorists too. That’ll show them,” says a stoic but smiling Ravi.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Dishonest ads leave people fuming


New Delhi: Ravi Kumar, a resident of Delhi, has filed a PIL against false ads claiming that the ads were, well, false. (We do need better reporters)

“Ads are nothing but lies,” says Ravi. He says that like any sane Indian he believed in ads too. But then the truth hit him like a truck and he was never the same again.

“I saw this ad for underwear which promised that if you wore it girls would long for acts of a sexual nature with you. Being a true, red blooded, Indian male I immediately ran to the store and bought myself a dozen pairs (I believe in hygiene; you can never have too many pairs of underwear). I was all ready to do IT, man!

But then, a month later, I suddenly realised that I was still a virgin. Things were still the same. NOTHING had changed. It really got my goat, you know.”





Sexed up underwear ads, featuring hunky models, such as this one above, have misled many a young man.



At this point most ordinary men would have gone back to masturbation but Ravi was no ordinary man (although he admits that he did continue with masturbation, “sometimes”). So he took matters into his own hands and immediately went to court and after standing in queues for only three days, he filed a PIL against the sexy underwear company.

And because of Ravi’s brave and selfless act many more people such horror stories are coming to the fore
.

“I too realised that ads were duping us,” says Sachin. “I mean look at these cola ads. Initially even I drank a lot of Pepsi to become popular and get a girlfriend like Deepika Padukone, but alas it was not to be. All it did was to make be fat! Now everyone in college makes fun of me … even the girls.”


Research has disproved the widely held notion that drinking certain brands of Cola increases your chances of bagging a good looking girl-friend.


The Times of Bullshit spoke to tens of people and they all has similar heart-wrenching stories of betrayal by advertisements.

“I must have eaten hundreds of Mentos but my prof. still catches my proxies in class,” says Sunil, an engineering student repeating his final year due to a shortage of attendance. “It’s all bullshit….bullshit,” he says.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Interview with God

Our interviewee today needs no introduction, and I’m not just saying this! Responsible for the entire universe you see around you, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you – GOD!

God in a "light" mood


Times of Bullshit: It’s been a long time since your last interview, God. What’s this allergy to the press? The last time was on Mt. Sinai to Moses, if I’m not wrong.

God: Yes, it has been a long time. Actually I was misquoted by the press after the Mt. Sinai interview. You know how irritating that is for people like us. Hence I boycotted the press after that.

ToB: Misquoted? How?

G: Well see, and this is, I believe, a very serious matter. I had distinctly mentioned one of the ten commandments as: “You shall not covet your neighbour’s donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbour.” It’s even mentioned in the Bible, but you slimy press people misquoted the “donkey” as “ass” and the next day I see the newspapers screaming out:

“God, an Ass man? Tells people not to covet asses; silent on breasts”

It really infuriated me, you know. And since I already mentioned that I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation of those who reject me, I boycotted the press. Simple!



Lalit Modi Disobeys God's commandment not to covet Asses.
(pic courtesy: greatbong.net)

ToB: Yes, this kind of yellow journalism has to stop.

G: Yup, it does. That’s why I’m going to choose my press people with a lot of care. Hence I’m giving this interview to you. After all you have such a pious name.

ToB: Err, yes, thank you for that God. Yes, now coming to the question on everybody's mind – why are you letting so many innocent people get killed day in and day out? I mean apart from the day-to-day killings we have special calamities like the earthquake in China, the cyclone in Burma…

G: Look, my man, I am doing the best I can. But you guys have to have some patience. After all I’m not God you know…

ToB: Ummm, sir, but you are!

G: Yes, yes…that I am. I didn’t mean it that way. It’s just that I don’t have a magic wand you know (hides his magic wand).

ToB: Ok…fair enough. Let’s move on, shall we? What’s this about you suing the state of Kerala?

G: See, in this day and age you have to respect intellectual property rights. Why even Ranbaxy had to bow down before the WTO because of it, so why am I any different? Why aren’t my IPRs being respected?

ToB: You’re talking about the “God’s own country” campaign?

G: Yes, I am. I mean, surely, if you are using my name for commercial purposes I should get a slice of the pie, no?

But this doesn’t surprise me a bit. A state that can elect those Godless commies to power can sink to any depths.

ToB: Yes, the atheists. Words out that you have to love lost for them.

G: Of course I have no love lost for them. Imagine how you’d feel if some pricks, one fine day decided that you don’t bloody exist! You’d me hopping mad too, you would. I hope this interview of yours can prove to those “atheists” what a bunch of fools they are.

ToB: To end off God and this is on every bodies mind, when will you end world hunger?

G: (laughs) God knows, my man, God knows….




Friday, June 6, 2008

India Shining




Digha, May 31: That’s Rajkumar. He sells toys to other children (with real childhoods) of his age, at the Digha (a beachside town about 5 hrs from Calcutta) bazaar.

When asked whether he felt proud about the country growing at more than 8%, he sheepishly replied that he didn’t know what “percentage” meant. He had never been to school in spite of the spectacular success of the Sarva Shiksha Abhiyaan.

When asked why, he replied, “School jetham tho bhaath kothai theke ashtho(If I had gone to school where would I get my rice from)?”

When the PM was asked this same question by the correspondent he gave a befitting reply to Rakmumar:”The country is booming.If he does not have rice let him eat risotto.”