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Friday, September 12, 2008

Delhi Belly

“I never believed, but it's true, my God, they wipe their bottoms with paper only!”
- Amina Sinai, Midnight’s Children.

A genius of an inventor, who is unfortunately unknown, has invented what is most probably the most significant invention since the Atom bomb – the Jet

And just like the A bomb, The Jet will change the way whole nations function.
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I was house hunting in Gurgaon a couple of months back when I first came across it.

“Sirjee, the flat has full power back-up; 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 12 mo…”

“Haan, haan but how much?”

“Um, 14, 500 rupees, Sirjee ”

“Too much, boss. I told you my budget is 10 grand max.”

“Arre Sir, par the flat is so good. Garden hai, lift hai, bathroom mein jet hai…”

“Jet? Kya jet? Bathroom mei jet hai? Kya matlab?”

Although the rent was well out of my budget but there’s something about the human brain which makes one terribly curious when one hears the words “bathroom mein jet hain”. So I asked the agent to show me.
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It was rather unremarkable in appearance. All it consisted of was a nozzle attached to the back of the pot. After you finish your business turn on the tap beside the pot and it shoots a jet of water at your … well, you get the idea.

What’s truly remarkable about the Jet is that it represents progress in a field that has remained stagnant ever since the beginning of civilisation.

Today everything is done for us, automatically by technology. We fly in airplanes instead of walking. Computers do our calculations for us and even check our spellings. Missiles fired at the touch of a button can kill and maim people a thousand miles away. The Internet brings us porn from around the world to satiate our lust at the click of a mouse.

Yet, in the matter of morning ablutions, we are stuck in the stone ages. It’s as if we’ve, er, washed our hands of the matter.

But things will no doubt change with the introduction of the Jet. Now washing up afterwards will also be done automatically just like the rest of the day’s tasks.

All you have to do is turn on the tap controlling the Jet and maybe just shift a bit, you know, to get the aim spot-on, and voila! you’re done and on your way to a wonderful day without…umm… even lifting a finger.

And what’s more, although modern India would disappoint Gandhiji in many ways, at least he’ll be happy knowing that millions of his countrymen are getting instant enemas.

Note: I did not take that flat in the end and unfortunately ended up with a flat with a rather prosaic and normal toilet.

13 comments:

nobody said...

Lolz!

India is progressing indeed!

Aditya Mani Jha said...

Talk about hands-free gadgetry...
pretty appropriate post for a blog named The Times of BullSHIT.....

Hades said...

@ nobody

Yup, it is. All we have to do now is end starvation.

@Aditya

Very punny, very punny indeed.

Sumit said...

Truly hands-off approach........
I too requested it from hostel authorities but alas.........

Anonymous said...

he he he

Saad Akhtar said...

Truly a great achievement. But Japan again is so much more advanced. There's a Japanese toilet that has 21 functions. Not only will it wash you and dry you, it'll check your blood pressure and email your doc. I'd settle for drying... and if someone attaches a LCD monitor to the toilet and gives it WiFi, to enable me to check up on my bloglines account... I'd buy that toilet. On crippling EMI payments...

Hades said...

@Sumit

Dude, forget about the jet, water in the hostel toilets would have been a major breakthrough.


@Saad

No Shit? 21 Functions,eh. Fucking Japs. Nobody likes a show off, you know.

That’s why they’ll never get on the UN Security Council.

The Quirky Indian said...

These jets are also responsible for leaving toilets in a complete friggin' mess. And, based on the state people leave toilets in, I'm not sure that it's easy to use. You might be better off without it. :-)

Here's a link to a post on toilet-angst:

http://quirkyindian.wordpress.com/2008/06/17/compulsory-toilet-training-for-indians/

Cheers,

Quirky Indian
http://quirkyindian.wordpress.com

Amrita said...

Oh poopy! I thought you could get a flat with a jacuzzi for 14.5 - not that a bidet is a bad deal.... hmmm.

Hades said...

@ Quirky

Hmm, that might be true. All depends on the water pressure , I guess.

And quite a post you have there. Might I recommend not reading it after a meal! :P

@Amrita

(Trumpets blow) You get the Times of Bullshit award, or something like that that, for latching on to the fact that its a bidet.

Please do give us yr contact details so that we can send you the grand prize of three soft boiled eggs.

And, 14.5 thousand a month isn't too grand an amount, really. Not in Gurgaon at least.

In good ol' Calcutta, it'll get you a mansion though.

Ravi said...

out here in SG, most houses have jets. much more hygenic i tell you.. don't ask me to explain further

Hades said...

^^^

No Ravi, I won't

J. Alfred Prufrock said...

Potty showers, sir. The ultimate in posterior pampering.

J.A.P.