Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Country looks to Leaders to Tide over a Bad Time

Three days after consecutive blasts rocked the cities of Bangalore and Ahmadabad, India is still in a state of shock.

And as in any times of crisis, the Indian people have turned to their respected leaders for succour and comfort. Our leaders have not disappointed either and have risen to the occasion providing inspiring leadership when it mattered the most.

Congress President Sonia Gandhi was quick to condemn the blast. She also added a shocking revelation. She claimed that “people who want to disturb the peace of the country are behind it (the blasts)”. This sent the country into a tizzy as till now the general public was under the assumption that the blasts were carried out by people who did not want to disturb the peace of the country.

Sonia Gandhi shocked the nation with her brave revelations

The BJP too offered its condolences to the victims and made its sincerest effort to present a united face to terror. In a press conference held on Monday, Sushma Swaraj tried to bolster the confidence of the nation by claiming that the blasts were “a conspiracy to divert attention from the cash-for-votes scandal”. In a further statesman-like move to maintain communal harmony she also claimed that the blasts were an “attempt to win-over the Muslim votes which got divided after the pro-American deal pursued by the government”

Sushma Swaraj mourns for the victims of terror

Ravi Kumar, a common man, said, “I feel totally safe. With leaders like these how can one not? I know my country is in safe hands. “

And although with leaders like these I don’t feel the need to wish for too much, I do have one small wish. May God grant leaders like these to the terrorists too. That’ll show them,” says a stoic but smiling Ravi.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Dishonest ads leave people fuming

New Delhi: Ravi Kumar, a resident of Delhi, has filed a PIL against false ads claiming that the ads were, well, false. (We do need better reporters)

“Ads are nothing but lies,” says Ravi. He says that like any sane Indian he believed in ads too. But then the truth hit him like a truck and he was never the same again.

“I saw this ad for underwear which promised that if you wore it girls would long for acts of a sexual nature with you. Being a true, red blooded, Indian male I immediately ran to the store and bought myself a dozen pairs (I believe in hygiene; you can never have too many pairs of underwear). I was all ready to do IT, man!

But then, a month later, I suddenly realised that I was still a virgin. Things were still the same. NOTHING had changed. It really got my goat, you know.”

Sexed up underwear ads, featuring hunky models, such as this one above, have misled many a young man.

At this point most ordinary men would have gone back to masturbation but Ravi was no ordinary man (although he admits that he did continue with masturbation, “sometimes”). So he took matters into his own hands and immediately went to court and after standing in queues for only three days, he filed a PIL against the sexy underwear company.

And because of Ravi’s brave and selfless act many more people such horror stories are coming to the fore

“I too realised that ads were duping us,” says Sachin. “I mean look at these cola ads. Initially even I drank a lot of Pepsi to become popular and get a girlfriend like Deepika Padukone, but alas it was not to be. All it did was to make be fat! Now everyone in college makes fun of me … even the girls.”

Research has disproved the widely held notion that drinking certain brands of Cola increases your chances of bagging a good looking girl-friend.

The Times of Bullshit spoke to tens of people and they all has similar heart-wrenching stories of betrayal by advertisements.

“I must have eaten hundreds of Mentos but my prof. still catches my proxies in class,” says Sunil, an engineering student repeating his final year due to a shortage of attendance. “It’s all bullshit….bullshit,” he says.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Interview with God

Our interviewee today needs no introduction, and I’m not just saying this! Responsible for the entire universe you see around you, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you – GOD!

God in a "light" mood

Times of Bullshit: It’s been a long time since your last interview, God. What’s this allergy to the press? The last time was on Mt. Sinai to Moses, if I’m not wrong.

God: Yes, it has been a long time. Actually I was misquoted by the press after the Mt. Sinai interview. You know how irritating that is for people like us. Hence I boycotted the press after that.

ToB: Misquoted? How?

G: Well see, and this is, I believe, a very serious matter. I had distinctly mentioned one of the ten commandments as: “You shall not covet your neighbour’s donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbour.” It’s even mentioned in the Bible, but you slimy press people misquoted the “donkey” as “ass” and the next day I see the newspapers screaming out:

“God, an Ass man? Tells people not to covet asses; silent on breasts”

It really infuriated me, you know. And since I already mentioned that I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation of those who reject me, I boycotted the press. Simple!

Lalit Modi Disobeys God's commandment not to covet Asses.
(pic courtesy:

ToB: Yes, this kind of yellow journalism has to stop.

G: Yup, it does. That’s why I’m going to choose my press people with a lot of care. Hence I’m giving this interview to you. After all you have such a pious name.

ToB: Err, yes, thank you for that God. Yes, now coming to the question on everybody's mind – why are you letting so many innocent people get killed day in and day out? I mean apart from the day-to-day killings we have special calamities like the earthquake in China, the cyclone in Burma…

G: Look, my man, I am doing the best I can. But you guys have to have some patience. After all I’m not God you know…

ToB: Ummm, sir, but you are!

G: Yes, yes…that I am. I didn’t mean it that way. It’s just that I don’t have a magic wand you know (hides his magic wand).

ToB: Ok…fair enough. Let’s move on, shall we? What’s this about you suing the state of Kerala?

G: See, in this day and age you have to respect intellectual property rights. Why even Ranbaxy had to bow down before the WTO because of it, so why am I any different? Why aren’t my IPRs being respected?

ToB: You’re talking about the “God’s own country” campaign?

G: Yes, I am. I mean, surely, if you are using my name for commercial purposes I should get a slice of the pie, no?

But this doesn’t surprise me a bit. A state that can elect those Godless commies to power can sink to any depths.

ToB: Yes, the atheists. Words out that you have to love lost for them.

G: Of course I have no love lost for them. Imagine how you’d feel if some pricks, one fine day decided that you don’t bloody exist! You’d me hopping mad too, you would. I hope this interview of yours can prove to those “atheists” what a bunch of fools they are.

ToB: To end off God and this is on every bodies mind, when will you end world hunger?

G: (laughs) God knows, my man, God knows….