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Showing posts with label movies and music. Show all posts
Showing posts with label movies and music. Show all posts

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Dedh Ishqiya and Urdu in India Today


First published in NewsYaps

In a riotously funny scene from recently released comic thriller Dedh Ishqiya, Jaan Mohammad (played by Vijay Raaz) aggressively threatens a very drunk Khalujaan (Naseeruddin Shah) to leave town so that he can win the hand of the beautiful Begum Para (Madhuri Dixit). In a twist typical of the film, fist fights and gun brandishing suddenly give way to poetry, as Khalujaan picks up the word “wādā” (promise) used by Jaan and starts taunting him using a sher. A gangster by profession and somewhat removed from the world of poetry, Jaan retorts as best he can by racking his brains and coming up with the only sher he knows on “wādā. This change of playing field from violence to poetry, though, can only end badly for Jaan. His verse induces derisive laughter from Khalujaan who then points out that Jaan’s original sher spoke of “bādā” (wine) and not “wādā” at all. Jaan just confused the two rhyming words.

It is credit to the competence of director Abhishek Chaubey that the Bombay theatre I was in found the wordplay funny and laughed along with Khalu, in spite of the fact that very few would have been able to point out Jaan’s mistake themselves. Anupama Chopra, movie critic for the Hindustan Times, though, might have empathised more with Jaan and his struggles with High Urdu. While generally praising the film, she did end her review with one small regret: “I also struggled with the Urdu,” she said. “It was melodious but I wish I understood more of it.”

This frank admission, and the fact that Dedh Ishqiya is the only Bollywood film I’ve ever seen with English subtitles, contains within it some stark irony for an industry which, it could be said, was born into Urdu. As Mukul Kesavan has pointed out, Bollywood with its fantasy, musicals and location (Bombay) was an almost direct successor to Parsi theatre. And like the theatre, the new film industry adopted Urdu, given that it was the only language at the time which had any sort of pan-national appeal. To churn out words for this new industry, were recruited large numbers of Urdu writers and poets from North India. Bollywood’s Golden Age from the 40s to the 60s was studded with Urdudāns such as Kaifi Azmi, Majrooh Sultanpuri, Saadat Hasan Manto, Sahir Ludhianvi, Shakeel Badayuni and, most relevant to this movie, Ismat Chughtai. Lihāf (Quilt), Chughtai’s story of lesbian love between a begum and her maid, forms one of the principal subplots within Dedh Ishqiya. The movie itself has a subtle hat tip to this sourcein the scene where Khalujaan and Babban have been tied up by Para and Muniya (Huma Qureshi). As the shadows of the two woman making love flit across the screen—in itself a symbol from Lihāf—Khalujaan remarks impishly to Babban, “thand lag rahī hai? Lihāf māng le!” (Feeling cold? Ask for a quilt).

To grant Chopra her limited point, the language of Dedh Ishqiya is particularly “high” for the average film of today. But go back just 50 years, and you would find a very similar linguistic standard prevalent in the industry, especially in the music. Wonder how a film reviewer reconciles her job as a critic when a film of just 50 years back would be inaccessible to her. But then in an industry where Katrina Kaif, a person who plays all her roles with a thick British accent, is the dominant star maybe Chopra is doing all right. And of course, there is the point that Chopra would hardly be alone. Whatever be the origins of Bollywood, the fact is that a very large majority of Indians would be unable to understand the sort of High Urdu that the movie uses—it’s not for nothing that the film carried English subtitles.

In a mark of the intelligence of the film though, one of the themes of Dedh Ishqiya is this very hollowness of Urdu in India today. Urdu started life as a standardised register of the local language of Delhi. As SR Faruqi points out in his book Early Urdu Literary Culture and History, “Urdu” itself is a metonym for the city of Delhi. The name “Urdu”, though, is very recent and the language has variously been called Hindvi/Gujri/Rekhta/Dakhani and even Hindi; as late as the early 20th century, the words “Hindi” and “Urdu” were being used interchangeably.

The development of Urdu as an elite language though was a rather late development in the history of North India. Throughout the medieval period, Persian had been the region’s lingua franca and official language. In fact it was so ingrained in India that when the British proposed to do away with Persian in 1839, 500 citizens from Dhaka, split almost equally amongst Hindu and Muslim, vigorously petitioned the government to desist from such a foolish move. In spite of this, the British did replace Persian and, in North India, introduced Urdu in its place as an official language. Unfortunately, the legacy of Farsi was less easy to shake off. The Urdu that took root in the offices of the Raj was corpulently Persianised. This was maybe a deliberate tactic by the clerks—mostly upper class Muslims, Kayasths, Kashmiri Brahmins and Khatris—who controlled the language and profited from the fact that the general populace was totally dependent on them for something as simple as comprehension. In many ways, this attitude was not dissimilar to that of the current Anglophone class which break out into paroxysms every time anyone so much as talks of replacing English with the local languages of each state.

As a reaction, the rural classes—who were mostly Hindu—championed the cause of Nagari using organisation such as the Nagari Pracharini Sabha (of Banaras) and the Hindi Sahitya Sammelan (of Allahabad), both founded at the turn of the century. In this way, the origins of modern Hindi were utilitarian and commonsensical—it aimed to simplify Urdu. Unfortunately, this straightforward matter of language, as we all know, got violently communalised and to top it all, the end result was a register which was de-Persianised, as promised, but also corpulently Sanskritised, leading us all back to square one as far as ease of comprehension goes. Alok Rai calls this new register “school Hindi” and wryly remarks that this leads to children across the length and breadth of North India to valiantly struggle to learn a language which is supposed to be their mother tongue. It is no wonder that all popular culture in India, such as Bollywood, steers clear of either extreme and sticks to the spoken speech of Hindustan.

In 1947 though, the sharp politicisation of the Hindi-Urdu issue meant that this “School Hindi” was adopted as India’s official language. Suddenly, in places like Uttar Pradesh and Delhi, the birthplace of Urdu, Urdu stopped being taught and used in government. This lack of patronage had little effect on the everyday Urdu (or Hindustani) of spoken speech, a large portion of the language which was shared in common with Shudh Hindi. It did however have the effect of severelycurtailing the sphere of influence of High Urdu. A high or literary register without patronage is, by definition, not going to get very far and that is what happened. Post-1947, Urdu atrophied dramatically.

Normally, if this was any other country, High Urdu would have a dignified death much as Ottoman Turkish did when Ataturk changed the official language of Turkey to Modern Turkish. Indeed, since Urdu offers almost no economic benefits, the only people who study it today as a primary language are people who get this education free at madrasas and are too poor to pay for anything else. In India, though, the communal history of Hindi-Urdu, made Urdu one of various meaningless markers of Muslim identity that can be taken out and flogged whenever necessary. As an example, when AAP want to reach out to Muslims in Delhi, it releases an Urdu pamphlet. This is unneeded because firstly, a large number of Delhi Muslims would be unable to read the Urdu script in the first place and secondly, even those that do, will almost certainly read the Devanagri script better or, at least, just as well. If all AAP wanted to do was to communicate with Muslims, a Hindi pamphlet would have done a much better job. And of course, this was just a minor example. Governments have, for decades, used the “Muslim” symbolism of Urdu—a sort of internal Orientalism if you will—to great effect employing it as a diversionary tactic to get away with non-performance on rather more pressing issues such as health or sanitation.

Given that a majority of its characters are Muslims, Dedh Ishqiya might be classified as a modern “Muslim social”. True to its genre, the film does explore the stereotypical elements of elite Indo-Islamic culture. Dedh Ishqiya has havelīs, nawābs and begums, flowing sherwanīs and, of course, stars High Urdu. Unlike a traditional Muslim Social such as Umrao Jaan or Pakeezah (which would have High Urdu through and through), the movie functions on multiple planes of language. At the almost surrealistic mushairā-cum-swayamwar that Begum Para holds to choose a suitor for herself, the most mellifluous Urdu is spoken and, indeed, Chaubey and Bhardwaj take advantage of the register to produce some crackling repartee and wit. Things though start unravelling in the character of Jaan Mohammed, a local gangster looking to gentrify himself by marrying a begum. Respectability though needs to be earned and before he gets to become a nawāb he’ll have to get the language right.

Jaan’s battles with Urdu lead to some curious results. Throughout the movie he uses some high vocabulary (“shamshīr” for “talwār” and “gauhar” for ”hīre-motī”/) but slips up on the simplest of Urdu words, mispronouncing “Ishq” as “Issak” or “shart” as “sart”. And not only Jaan, for all the other characters, this High Urdu is just a mask put on to impress. Khalujaan, who is otherwise a talented poet, talks to his closest friend Babban in their common earthy register of Bhopali Urdu. The one time he does put on airs as a fake nawāb, Babban tells him rather plainly that “tumhārī sārī nawābīyat hai nā, picchwāde main ghusaid doongā” (I’ll stuff your airs up your ass). And when right towards the end of the movie, Jaan Mohammad despotically orders Para and Khalujaan to dance for him, one of his flunkies pipes up to complain, “Yeh itne dinon se ghazlein-wazlein sun ke nā badhazmī sī hoga’ī hai, sāli. Inse item number karwāte hain.” (I’m tired of all this high-falutin’ poetry. Let’s get them to do some item numbers).

This sort of linguistic meta-commentary is rare in Bollywood (Chupke Chupke is one exception which comes to mind), which is odd given how integral language is to the art of cinema. But Dedh Ishqiya does take a shot at it and skilfully uses the nuances of language to explore different shades of the story as well as make a larger point about the state of Urdu in India today. And that is just one the many reasons which make the movie a treat to watch.

A related post on the language Bollywood uses can be found here.
If this is the sort of thing that interests you, all posts filed under language can be found here.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Raanjhanaa: Thoughts, Flies, Ointment...and Soup

 
(Since I'm a good person at heart, there are no spoilers here. You're welcome.)

There are many interesting things about Raanjhanaa.

Acting: Fantastic stuff by Dhanush (who owns Kundan and, by extension, the movie) as well as by Zeeshan Ayub and pretty much everyone else. Shout out for Asmita Theatre Group.

Its depiction of love: Raanjhanaa deals with obsessive love which, as things go, can be pretty OTT. But Raanjhanaa manages to keep it real. Dhanush’s love is the fanaa sorts but it’s also fucked up. It’s selfish and Dhanush, when it matters most, ends up thinking of himself over and above everything, even when it’s going to destroy his lady love's life (not a lot of ‘tumhari khushi main hi meri khushi hai’, no siree). But at the end of the day, it is love and it’s beautiful (Awww).

Class divide (vis-a-vis creed divide): That’s the real fault line in India today, says the film, overturning years of hard work by Bollywood. Zoya (Sonam) thinks Kundan’s (Dhanush) a bit of joke really. Never really looks at him as a person, you know, with feelings and stuff. Part of it is because she’s a bitch. The other is because she just can’t see herself marrying a person who, well, fixes the car or brings home the gas cylinder. She needs someone from her background. A pukka PLU. Well-read, English medium types, you know. Kinda ironic that she’s a commie in the film. Loved the dig at the JNU endless debate culture in a scene where JNU students discuss why someone would turn to burglary. Reminded me of the Judean People’s Front/People’s front Judea Scene from The Life of Brian. Zoya’s father’s: more simple. Hindus and poor people, keep offa my daughter, he screams. Silently. Cos he’s a chomu. He knows squat of what his daughter's up to, right from her her 15-year old self to when she's in JNU and he really needs to do more off a background check when agreeing to get his daughter married off.

Banaras: Depicted brilliantly in the first half without descending into any sort of cliché. Another thing’s that not clichéd: Muslims. None of them wear achkans or go about salaaming people. Also, almost (...) no namaaz! Woo!

The dialogue: Witty repartee delivered in some sort of faux Banaras accent? Yes, please! Pick of the lot: “Tumahara pyaar na ho gaya, UPSC ka exam ho gaya. 10 saal se paas hi nahi ho raha”.

The ending: More of the love-is-fucked-up-but beautiful shit. In other words, perfect. And also a bit of an unexpected twist plus it rounds of Sonam's character beautifully, her motivations clear as day and pretty kick ass. The metamorphosis of Sonam Kapoor’s character from innocent 15-year old, to oppressed woman, to liberated woman who woos her man with a public kiss to wronged woman is amazingly done. While Dhanush’s character is far more lovable and larger, it’s also a bit straightforward (just a little bit). Soman’s character, now there’s a whopper. So so well written.

A couple of dei ex machina act a bit like flies in the ointment. But really small, tiny little insignificant flies. Which you just flick out and carry on with drinking your soup, cos it’s just so good. Which is also a bit confusing cos the original idiom dealt with ointment so where did the soup come from?Any which way, Raanjhanaa is a pretty amazing film.

P.S: Wonder what Raanjhanaa means. "Like Raanjhaa"? The parallels with Heer Ranjha are more than a bit obvious. Other than the fact that it's a pretty sardonic take on it, almost a caricature. A bit like Paranjpe's Katha was to the Hare and the Tortoise.

P.P.S: I've just been reliably informed that Raanjhanaa is just a corrupted/informal form of Raanjhaa.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Zabaan Sambhaal Ke: The Evolution of Language in Bollywood


(First published on NewsYaps)



The elite in India treat their own languages rather oddly. We live our lives in our mother tongues but when it comes to anything serious, say education or for that matter, online articles (ahem!), we immediately turn to English. As a result, our languages are extremely stunted when it comes to being used as vehicles of our own culture. India’s most talked about novelist, for example, isn’t a Hindi, Bengali or Tamil writer, it’s, whether you like him or not, Chetan Bhagat. In all of this, cinema comes as breath of fresh air. It’s the only place where the masses as well as the elite come together and partake of art in their own language. Which is why it’s so interesting to see how cinema, and specifically Bollywood—as it completes its a hundred years—uses language to express itself.

Since this is a piece on the language Bollywood uses, I'm going to start by defining a few terms. Firstly, I am going to consider Hindi and Urdu to be the same language. This is not my personal opinion but the standard linguistic view given the two have identical grammar. Of course, that’s not to say that there are no differences within the language. The language exists in a continuum where you can use Persian words (Urdu) or Sanskrit words (Hindi) to express yourself. So for the sake of this article, I will refer to this common language as Hindustani and affix Persianised or Sanskritised as adjectives wherever necessary. So, for example, Ghalib's poems are written in Persianised Hindustani and Dinkar's in Sanskritised Hindustani. Capiche?

The Beginning (1930s-1960s)

Unlike Ghalib or Dinkar’s poetry, though, Bollywood has always been a commercial endeavour, a means to make money. For this, it has always had to cater to the lowest common denominator which means that the language it has had to use has always been the popular, day-to-day dialect that is spoken in cities across North India. Back when talkies first came into being, everyday Hindustani, not very different from what we speak today (minus the English vocabulary), ruled the roost as an everyday language and lingua franca. However, a highly Persianised idiom was also popular, given its wide spread as the official register of education and administration (Urdu along with English were the two official languages of British India). Modern Sanskritised Hindustani (Shudh Hindi) was still in its infancy then—the first work of literature in that register had come out as late as 1888—the novel Chandrakanta, which was, a century later, made into the extremely popular TV show. So, for example, when Ram Prasad Bismil wanted to write a popular song of resistance, he penned down the fairly Persianised Sarfaroshi ki Tamanna. While that song is still extremely popular today, most people wouldn’t even know what the word ‘sarfarosh’ in its title means (farosh means vendor. The word, therefore, means someone who is ready to give away his head i.e. a daredevil). Same goes for Netaji’s INA, two-thirds of whose motto, “Ittehad , Itmad aur Qurbani” (unity, faith and sacrifice) would seem incomprehensible to Indians today given its heavy Persian tilt. And when Gandhi wanted to promote a new system of education he gave it the name Nai Taaleem and did not, as the government does today, use the word shikshaa.

Given this state of affairs at the time, it’s not surprising that Bollywood started off with a Persianised idiom. The name of the first talkie—Alam Ara (Adorning the World)—itself attests to that. And while it would need to be “translated” for most Indians today, the film’s success meant that at the time everybody did get the meaning just fine.

The real force of Persianisation, though, wasn’t in the titles or the dialogues, which were still, more or less, in everyday Hindustani, it was in the lyrics. Nobody typifies this more than Sahir Ludhianvi who, like many lyricists at that time, was also an Urdu poet. Here’s a sample of some of the words from his most famous film, Pyaasa (taken from the song, Jinhe Naaz Hai Hind Par Vo Kahaan Hain :
Muhaafiz, ismat, zard, dareechon, fiqare, tanuumand, ham-jins, ummat, rehbaron, manzar
Bet you didn’t get too many. While this song was written only 50-odd years back, given its vocabulary, it’ll be incomprehensible to most today. India, in 1957, though, was a very different country. Far from being incomprehensible, the songs of Pyaasa were, to use a Bollywood term, a super hit and Sahir was the star credited for their success. In fact, so miffed was SD Burman (the composer for Pyaasa) for the attention and acclaim that Sahir got, that he refused to work with him from then on. Pyaasa made Sahir such a celebrity that he actually got paid more than the singers who sang his lyrics, something that would be unheard of today.

In the Middle (1970s-1980s)

30 years and counting as a free country, India had a whole new generation without any formal Urdu education. To quote from a Sahir poem written in 1968:
Jin shehron may goonji thi Ghalib ki nava barson
Un shehron may ab Urdu benaam-o-nishan thehri

(Cities, where for years Ghalib’s voice echoed/In those very cities, Urdu is now without a trace)

Without formal education, the capacity of the paying public to follow highly Persianised vocabulary declined. “Yeh public hai, sab janti hai”(the public knows everything) sang Rajesh Khanna for Roti. Bollwywood’s faith in the public was just as strong. Given its audience’s new linguistic capabilities, it toned down some of its own high falutin’ Persian vocabulary. Sahir himself had to adapt. His most famous song from the period, Kabhie Kabhie is a highly simplified version of one of his poems (recited by Amitabh’s character here).

This period saw a very interesting linguistic trend. For half a century now, Bollywood had used a register oscillating between everyday Hindustani and Persianised Hindustani to express itself. But 30 years after independence, the development of Sanskritised Hindustani had made Shudh Hindi a player as well. And, moreover, given its use by academia, literature and the government, the register carried a weightiness of its own. This is why, as Mukul Kesavan notes in his fantastic essay, Urdu, Awadh and Tawaif: the Islamicate Roots of Hindi Cinema, when directors such as Benegal and Nihalani wanted to title their New Wave films, they chose Sanskritised names such as Ankur, Nishant, Manthan, Bhumika, Akrosh and Ardhsatya. They wanted a clear demarcation between the mainstream, “song-and-dance” Bollywood and themselves. Choosing weighty Sanskritised titles, never used before in the industry, helped them achieve that branding.

Now (1990s- )

A spurt of old-style Persianised lyrics came in the 90s. Unfortunately, however, these were the last throes of a dying animal. This period is typified by the cringe-inducing vacuousness of Sameer with his endless cycle of sanams and saajans, dils and mohabbat. More of a caricature than anything else.

It took some time but as Bollywood entered the 2000s, it had made yet another linguistic shift. This time it introduced a language with generous helpings of English vocabulary, in keeping with the current register prevalent in urban India and even in large parts of rural India. While on a trip to Chhapra in Bihar, a waiter in a local dhaba was unable to understand me when I asked him whether he had any “ghosht” or “maans” dishes. Comprehension dawned on him though when I used the word “meat”. That’s how embedded English vocabulary is in India today so it’s not surprising that Bollywood has followed suit.

Just take a look at some of our recent film titles: Mere Dad Ki Maruti, I Me aur Main, Murder, Anybody can Dance, No one Killed Jessica, Bodyguard, Rockstar, Agent Vinod, Vicky Donor, I Hate Love Storys...you get the point. English vocabulary is today a significant part of Bollywood’s reality.

I can talk English. I can walk English. I can laugh English. Because English is a very phunny language,” rattled off Amitabh Bacchan’s character in the 1982 movie Namal Halal, poking fun at the Queen’s language. In 2007 though, one of Bheja Fry’s main comedic elements was the fact that the character of Bharat Bhushan (Vinay Pathak) spoke purely in Hindi. In less than three decades Bollywood went from making fun of English to being made fun of because one did not know the language.

The last bastion that English vocabulary is still to breach in Bollywood remains song lyrics. This is a hurdle that, interestingly, Sanskritised Hindustani has still not been able to clear. Songs would still use a dil rather than hriday, kismat rather than bhagya and khoon rather than rakt. In fact, the Sanskritised Hindustani equivalents, if used, would sound downright odd in some cases. English, though, has had better luck.  In Karan Johar’s saccharine sweet family saga, Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham, Hrithik Roshan woos Kareena by crooning, “You are my Sonia” as a crowd of blondes gyrate behind him. Sheila’s introduction to her fans is “My name is Sheila” and, while in an earlier age, love would drive people paagal or deewaana, Aishwariya, instead, is driven “crazy” in Dhoom 2 by her lover’s charms.  Even Gulzar had to bend, getting his characters to ask “personal” questions (Kajrare from Bunty and Bubbly). That said, as the recent song Khushamdeed (Go Goa Gone) shows, Persianised vocabulary does pop up now and then as far as lyrics go even as more Anglicised vocabulary takes over the dialogues.

Given the trend, though, it’s only a matter of time before the industry switches completely to Hinglish as the standard medium of expression. If you’re a purist, this might make you sad. Tough cookies but Bollywood really doesn’t care. It has accurately reflected the way Indians speak for 80 years now and that’s something that is not going to change.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Bollywood Blackface


Unless you’re a wiki-whore, most Indians would be unaware of what Blackface is all about.
“Blackface is a form of theatrical makeup used in minstrel shows, and later vaudeville, in which performers create a stereotyped caricature of a black person.… White blackface performers in the past used burnt cork and later greasepaint or shoe polish to blacken their skin and exaggerate their lips, often wearing woolly wigs, gloves, tailcoats, or ragged clothes to complete the transformation."

Of course, anybody who watches TV sees Blackface in action pretty much every day with those fairness cream ads. The ‘before’ picture is invariably a blackened-up fair model who, post application of the cream, become quite the gori.

In itself, the act of Blackface in those ads are quite different from the original purpose of Blackface which was to ridicule a weak, racial minority. Of course, the fact that it ridicules the majority, i.e. brown skinned Indians doesn’t say much for our sense of self esteem but that’s another story.

Who the fuck buys the fact that Genelia D'Souza was this dark? She's an actress for god's sake. You see her on screen everyday


The 1983 Rajesh Khanna starrer Souten though can’t claim any such high ground.  The 80s were a horrible time for Bollywood. Tacky production values, ridiculous plot lines, bad music and clichéd lyrics—it was pretty grim. Souten lives up to everything expected from an 80s film with an extra cringe-inducing bonus—Blackface. In the movie, Rajesh Khanna’s character, a rags-to-riches shipping tycoon, has an assistant, Gopal, who is an "achhoot" played by Shreeram Lagoo (who was an Anna bhakt much before it became fashionable).

Having an ‘achhooth’ character though presents its own set of problems. "Achhoots" don’t look like the Rajesh Khanna’s of the world—tall, handsome and charming. So what is to be done?

Why this is Bollywood sirji. Our name is inspired from where? Hollywood! So where from will we take the inspiration? Yes, sir. The one and the same.

So they blackfaced poor Lagoo in order to make him a more "convincing" "achhoot". So when he is kicked around by Khanna’s wife while simultaneously bowing and scraping to her, everyone knows what’s happening and all is well with the world. Khanna being the hero of the fillum and all doth protest, but, you know, not too much. He does have marital problems with his wife (played by Tina Munim) but none of them have much to do with the fact that she is a FILTHY LITTLE BIGOT. Interestingly, Khanna has a little fling with Gopal’s daughter (Padmini Kolhapure). Of course, if the hero of the film is fucking you, Dalit you might be, but being a kali-kalooti is out of the question so she is spared her father’s sooty complexion.

Bollywood has had a very interesting relation with Indian society’s great other schism: religion. It has been extensively portrayed and while the portrayal has had its chinks at least there is one. Caste on the other hand can claim no such honour. Very rarely do we have Dalit characters in movies and if they are they are pathetic worms like Gopal in Souten surviving on the munificence of fair, upper caste types like Khanna. The post-Mandal phase of caste-based realization in politics seems to have skipped cinema altogether. This is somewhat unsurprising given that while each dalit has one vote, not many would be able to afford one ticket at a cinema hall for a new film. For all its mass-base, when it comes to caste,  it would seem, Bollywood still maintains quite a few elitist biases.

P.S: Someone asked me how and why I was watching Souten in the first place. The answer to that is that I was surfing and came across it on some channel and actually saw Lagoo in Blackface. After that I was hooked. Sadly, the execrable seems to have a very tight hold on me when it comes to TV at least.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Sayonara

Google might be God but sometimes, just sometimes, it does fuck things up.

So, I was pretty jobless the other day and was going through some Joy Division stuff of YouTube. This is how Wikipedia introduces them, btw:

"Joy Division rapidly evolved from their initial punk rock influences to develop a sound and style that pioneered the post-punk movement of the late 1970s. According to music critic Jon Savage, the band "were not punk but were directly inspired by its energy"

All was good, till I saw the YouTube suggestions on their song, Transmission. Here's a screenshot:

Click to enlarge (stroking doesn't work everywhere)

That's right, of all the millions of songs on YouTube, it thinks that the song that most resembles Joy Division's Transmission is Sayonara Sayonara from the 1966 Bollywood blockbuster, Love in Tokyo.

Suddenly, the world ending next year doesn't seem too bad an idea.

P.S: Just remembered this killer joke about Asha Parekh (who's the female lead in Love in Tokyo): What did Asha say when she prayed to god? "Bhagwan, mei tumhare paas badi ass leke ayi hoon". Hahahaha!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Punjabi Link of the Day

Quite a few of you must have heard the Coke Studio song Jugni. Not my favourite Coke Studio song (I might be biased though--I don't know any Punjabi and I tend not to like songs I can't understand) but if Google is any indicator, it's the show's most popular song. But just what is the symbolism of Jugni and why it's such a popular trope in Punjabi music (it's made quite a few Bollywood appearances as well) is explained by this fascinating post on Kafila.

In 1906, the 50th anniversary of Queen Victoria’s reign, a Jubilee flame was taken across the British Empire to celebrate her rule. The flame, carried in a large gold container, was taken to the every district headquarters. As the flame arrived, the district government was supposed to greet it with pomp and ceremony. When the flame reached Punjab, there was nascent freedom struggle anger against the Empire brewing. Bishna and Manda followed the flame from district to district, performing their own poetry and folk music parallel to the pomp of the colonial government. Their versions contained references to Jugni, the rebellious woman. Bishna and Manda had misheard the word ‘Jubilee’ for Jugni and started writing verses that channelled the anger of the region against the British as symbolised by the Jubilee flame. As they travelled behind the flame, their popularity grew; people from all around came to attend their performances. Jugni became a metaphor for the growing unrest against the British.


Monday, November 9, 2009

It's All About Loving Your Family



Friday, December 26, 2008

Rab Ne Bana Di Ghajini

I never liked Superman all that much for two reasons—the same reasons I never liked Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi, in fact:

  1. How is Louise Lois Lane so dumb? How can she not recognise Superman as Clark Kent? Just because Superman doesn’t wear glasses and Clark Kent does? Of course, Yash Raj Films is a lot more intelligent than DC comics: They make Shahrukh Khan’s alter ego differentiate himself with glasses and a moustache. Quite smart, no? 
  2. Excess powers/acting: Can you really root for someone who is faster than a speeding bullet, is more powerful than a locomotive and can leap tall buildings in a single bound? A bit too much if you ask me. What are Shahrukh Khan’s superpowers, you ask? Acting. And just like Superman he does too much of it. 

Of course, if you really want to watch a movie with a super hero, you’ve got to watch Ghajini. If Rab De was copied from the love story of Louise Lane and Superman, Ghajini is apparently inspired from the Hulk. 

The movie stars Aamir Khan as a person who suffers from short term memory loss—he can’t remember things for more than 15 minutes—a result of getting hit on the head as he battled unsuccessfully to stop his lady love from getting murdered.  The only clue he has, to take his revenge, is the name of his wife’s killer—her last words whispered into his ear—Ghajini. Imagine if the killer’s name had been, say, Ravi—best of luck finding the killer then, chump. 

Apart from that Ghajini has other delightful stuff to keep you entertained, IF YOU GREW UP IN THE 80s, THAT IS: 

  1. A super strong Hero. I’m talking really strong here—chairs break on his back like toothpicks; baseball bats (why baseball bats?) bounce of his booby-like pecks; one punch makes a gunda's head snap around, Exorcist-ishtyle.
  2. An Evil Man as the Villain. He wears thick gold chains and white pants. I told you he was evil.
  3. Hero falls in love because the Heroine is a chirpy, happy-go-lucky girl with a golden heart who is seen by the Hero helping out the following:
    i)              Disabled school girls (gets them into a museum)
    ii)            Old blind man (makes him cross street)
    iii)          Poor girls (saves them from being trafficked as part of the flesh and illegal  organs trade)
  4. Hero enters Villains den and beats up all the small gundas with consummate ease. He then comes face to face with the Villain. Reminded me of the 8-bit video games I used to play.
  5. Villain, on seeing Hero, lets out a blood curling battle cry. The Hero then proceeds to beat the stuffing out of him.
  6. Villain impales Hero with iron rod in stomach. Hero writhes in pain but pulls out the rod and hits the Villain with it.
  7. Exciting fight sequences with brave camera work…or something. For example, when the Hero swings a punch, it’ll be fast-forwarded, but when the gundas are lifted into the air by the force of the punch, it’ll in slow-motion. Terribly exciting.

***

The Aamir is dead. The Shah was never all that alive, anyways. Long live Dibakar Banerjee.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Men of the World Unite! (err, figuratively speaking only)


It was supposed to be an evening of good clean fun. A movie, dinner and inappropriate body searches at malls. You know, the usual.

We chose Dostana. Seemed like a nice movie. Priyanka Chopra, who last played a bold racist character in Fashion, seemed nice. Plus a movie named Dostana can’t go wrong now can it? Good clean wholesome fun about friendship, family and maybe even kheer. “They might even have a song or two on a motorbike with a sidecar”, I thought as I went into the theatre.

Twenty minutes into the movie I felt as a child would on being touched inappropriately by the very Catholic Priests who were supposed to teach him about God—betrayed, hurt and eventually angry.

I can recall the exact scene when my naiveté turned to outrage: John Abraham gets out of bed with one buttock clearly on display, his grey-coloured underpants askew.

The camera follows his behind for what seemed to be like an eternity.

It was horrible. Horrible.

I felt unclean, impure and violated. The girls in the audience—pigs all of them, pigs—cheered lustily. I bowed my head down in shame and prayed silently for my country.

What about the dignity of men? Does John have no shame? Ain't he sweet, making profits off his meat?

And what about the censors? Where the fuck are they? Would they have allowed Priyanka’s, admittedly exquisitely shaped, butt to be displayed to the world? Why do we have these double standards for men and women?

When Fire, a movie about two lesbians, was released look at the furore that was created. People wailed, “It’ll destroy India’s culture.” This, for a film where, if you ask me, the casting was all wrong. Who wants to watch girl-on-girl when one of the "girls" is Shabana Azmi?

Err, but that’s not the point. A film about two men who pretend to be gay, is released without a hitch. No protests. Nothing.

I mean where’s the Shiv Sena when you bloody need it?

Friday, November 7, 2008

Path Breaking Movie Exposes Fashion Industry


The Indian people caught up as they are in the humdrum of life—bomb blasts, sons-of the-soil protests, legalising homosexuality—often miss the finer points of life. I am, of course, talking about fashion.


People have made sincere attempts though to educate us, though; FTV, for example. Educational shows such as Midnight Hot and my personal favourite: The Making of the Pirelli Calendar, have no doubt taught many a young man the importance of the right clothes—or the lack thereof, at any rate.


And in spite of the hostile reactions that these noble attempt at fashion education have received, Madhur Bhandarkar (a.k.a. Caricature Man) has bravely gone ahead and made his own film in order to educate us on the inner workings of the fashion world.


“The name of the movie, I knew, had to set the tone of the movie. It had to be classy like fashion itself. Fashion was therefore an obvious choice. It’s subtle too, just like the actual movie” says a beaming Bhandarkar.


Fashion goes on to teach the Indian public each and everything there is to know about the fashion world. Bhandarakar exposes the underlying homosexuality of ALL male fashion designers (sadly, all the women are straight, saala); ridicules the morality of small town girls who refuse to drink, smoke or have casual sex and then goes on to ridicules the morality of the rich and famous who drink, smoke and have casual sex.


No topic is taboo for Caricature Man who claims to be an “iconoclast”. Drugs for example: Models are shown to be snorting Coke with impunity—I guess snorting coke in public, unlike smoking cigarettes, is legal. Kangana Raunat’s character, when on screen, is either snorting cocaine or, in her more sober moods, is drinking.


Bhandarkar also takes on the subject of race and, as is his wont, swims against the tide. In these Obama-times, Priyanka’s character is an unabashed racist. She realises that she has reached her nadir only after waking up from an alcohol-induced one-night stand with a Black man.


Fashion shows us the sheer stress that these models go through and how tough their job actually is. Priyanka Chopra has a panic attack as she tries to attempt the extremely difficult and nerve-wracking task of walking 50 meters from one end of the ramp to the other. It’s a heart-wrenching scene.


The story ends with hope, though. Priyanka, by sheer force of will and support from her friends and family, does manage to walk 54 meters on the ramp this time.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Rock On Sweeps Wall Street off its Feet


Farhan Akhtar starrer ‘Rock On’ has turned out to be a sleeper hit in the United States.

 The film, about an investment banker who risks it all to follow his passion, has apparently struck a cord with the thousands of investment bankers who have suddenly found that their passion—making money—has been bought to an abrupt halt. 

Says, former investment banker, John Smith: “Farhan’s character had it all: a job in investment banking which paid him enough for him to have a friggin’ fountain or something in his house, a beautiful wife and a lisp. But in spite of all that he isn’t happy. It’s only when he tries to make even more money by moonlighting as the lead singer of a band that he’s truly happy. Now that, my man, is the real I-banking spirit. 

In these difficult times ‘Rock On’ inspires because it is ultimately a story of hope triumphing almost insurmountable odds. It teaches us that if a person with Farhan Akhtar’s voice can become the lead singer of a rock band, the U.S. overcoming its greatest economic crisis since the depression is child’s play. It also teaches us to have faith in God and His miracles. Didn’t He provide ‘Magik’ with an invisible bassist?” 

The lead-actor of the movie, Farhan Akhtar has become a phenomenon on Wall Street with middle aged bankers ex-bankers gushing about him like they were 14 year old school girls. 

“”Ooooh! He’s soo cool! And his lisp is just soo sexy,” squeals 41-year old Miranda Ferdinand, who claims Sylvester the cat is her favourite cartoon character. 

The film has been critically acclaimed too, apart from being a commercial success. 

Noted financial guru, Paul Gartner, claims that ‘Rock On’ is a film with a “message”.

“The film shows us that leaving our financial assets exclusively in the hands of bankers isn’t a good idea. While we maybe under the impression that they are hard at work trying to increase our money, all they might be doing is playing in some band-shand. 

‘Rock On’ also presciently hints at the glaring shortcomings of bankers when Aditya (Farhan Akhtar’s character), who later on becomes an investment banker, misspells the word “”magic” and names his band “magik”.

The movie asks us: ‘Can we trust our life savings with people who can’t even spell or, more importantly, sing songs named ‘Sinbad the Sailor’?’,” says Gartner.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Happy Teachers Day!

Today is Teacher’s Day celebrated on the birthday of our second President, Sarvepalli Radhakrishnan. Don’t worry if you know nothing about him and are wondering why you are reading this post – you’re quite normal.

On Teacher’s day, our great nation, which is well on its way to overtake every other nation, celebrates our reverence of the teacher- the Guru- in our culture. Throughout history we have revered our Gurus and placed them on a pedestal even above God and continue to do so even today .

Well, to commemorate this great day The Times of Bullshit organised a portry writing competition for kids. We promised that the best pome which reflects the ethos of Teacher’s day in India would be featured here and we have fulfilled our promise.

The winner of the contest was Roger. He says he wants to be an architect when he grows up and his favourite colour is pink. Surprisingly for a boy his age his favourite fim is the Amitabh Bachan starrer - 'Deewar'. Quite a kid! His pome is heart-warmingly titled ‘The Happiest days of Our Lives’. Here it is:


The Happiest days of Our Lives

Well, when we grew up and went to school,
There were certain teachers,
Who would hurt the children in any way they could,
By pouring their derision,
Upon anything we did,
Exposing every weakness,
However carefully hidden by the kids.

But in the town it was well known,
When they got home at night,
Their fat and psychopathic wives would thrash them,
Within inches of their lives.