Thursday, August 28, 2008

Missing pens send country into a tizzy

The Government intends to launch a major probe into a matter which directly affects large numbers of our citizens, including you – Where do all our bloody pens go?

Says Ashwini Kumar, Chief of the CBI:” Every year 300 million pens are manufactured and sold in the country; yet whenever you go to a bank or ticket counter or wherever, you’ll have people borrowing pens left, right and centre. Where do all these bloody pens go? Have you ever thought about it?”

Although this might seem like a small matter when compared to our problems like poverty, female infanticide and non-Marathi signboards, it apparently isn’t says Medhakar Pat, from the ‘Every pen is precious’ NGO, whose aim is to “save the pen”.

“You don’t realise how important this is,” says Medhakar. “Do you realise the loss in productivity at schools, banks, offices etc because of the time wasted borrowing pens? The mental harassment faced by people forced to borrow pens from complete strangers? The constant haranguing faced by the few people who still have their have pens by those who don’t?

And the mystery is that millions of pens are manufactured every year but yet no one seems to have one. Think about it; how many times have you found yourself without one and having to borrow from some stranger as a result. Think of all the times that you bought a pen which then mysteriously disappeared. What happens to all these pens that are being manufactured?”

A mystery indeed...

Missing pens, like terrorism, is a problem afflicting both India as well as America

Arjun Singh, minister for Human Resource and Development, responsible for education, has also hinted at the shadowy foreign hand.

“There are evil foreign powers just waiting to destabilise our country and what better way than to make our pens disappear so that we are left floundering just in order to perform the basic function of writing.

It’s evil this plan. I don’t want to name the Government that’s doing this but all I’ll say that its name starts with P ends with N and occupies Pakistan-Occupied-Kashmir. Beyond this, my lips are sealed .”

Disclaimer: This article contains no puerile sexual innuendo. So don’t start laughing just ‘cause you find the words ‘pen’ and ‘is’ in succession anywhere in the article.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Sub-continent Declares War on China over no Cricket in Olympics

In a shocking move, India, Pakistan and Bangladesh have entered into a military coalition and threatened to declared war on China.

The provocation appears to be the non-inclusion of Cricket as a sport in the ongoing Olympics.

Says, Manmohan Singh, Prime Minister of India:”We had peacefully appealed to China to include Cricket as an Olympic sport, even the T20 version. We were even ready to compromise and have a T10 version, when there were complaints about the length of the game but the Fuck*ng Chinese refused to budge. If they'd listened we might have won a medal and beaten even Azerbaijan in the medal count.”

“Our Pakistani friends and fellow Cricket junkies then contacted us to suggest a coalition of sorts for the greater good of the Game. We even roped in Bangladesh.”

Ashfaq Kayani, Chief of Army Staff of the Pakistan Army, agrees with Prime Minister Singh. “How dare they deny the people of the sub-continent a place on the Olympic stage? We could have easily got a medal, yaar. Don’t forget, we bloody reached the finals of the T20 World Cup.”

Indiscriminate cheating at the Olympics has lead to a clamour for an overhaul of the system, including introducing cleaner sports like Cricket.

The Coalition, with India’s armed might, Pakistan’s superior intelligence gathering capabilities and excellent cooks from Bangladesh would be a formidable foe even for a military Superpower like China.

Sources say that the introduction of some really weird “sports” in the Olympics was the last straw for the Coalition. Some of them are:

Race Walking: Remember those hall monitors in school who caught you when you were running in the corridors? Well that apparently is the inspiration for this sport where you are given a red card if you run instead of walk. Hell! Arjuna Ranatunga, who "walked his singles as far as possible, would be a bloody natural at this.

Synchronised swimming: It’s “a hybrid of swimming, gymnastics, and dance” says Wikipedia. Ooh! All three! Wowee!

But it ain’t no sport, Punk, you got that, huh?

Bottoms up: Synchronised swimming is
all about grace

“How dare they introduce these stupid sports and leave out the gentleman’s name. War is the only recourse,” said a chap who claims to be the President of Bangladesh. Enquiries were made regarding his name at the press-conference but no one was aware of what it was.

We did contact the Chinese Government and this is the statement they released:

北京奥运会决出21枚金牌,包括乒乓球、曲棍球、跆拳道、田径和皮划艇。中国军团获得1金2银3铜,金牌数达47枚,奖牌数达89枚,有望冲击50金以及百枚奖牌大关。在女单比赛中,张怡宁和王楠分获冠亚军,小将郭跃夺铜。另外,博尔特和队友一起夺取了男子4x100米接力赛冠军,并以37秒10的成绩把世界纪录提高了0.3秒。 ”

If someone understands it, please do tell us what it is.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Terrorists complain about bureaucratic red tape in the country

Bureaucratic hassles have tied up a sleeper cell of three Pakistani terrorists in the Capital leaving them with little time to carry out their plans of death and destruction.

Says an exasperated Abdul, leader of the cell:” Ever since we’ve come to Delhi we have been running after some babu or the other. You tell me how is a terrorist supposed to do his work in peace in conditions like these?”

According to the terrorists, trouble started as soon as they got a flat.

“We had to procure a gas connection,” says Abdul. “This outside-shoutside food doesn’t suit me, yaar…and this greasy Punjabi food, baba. I have to watch my weight, you know… plus the oil causes pimples.”

However getting a gas connection proved to be somewhat of an uphill task requiring them to fill up numerous forms in triplicate, run from pillar to post trying to get some address proof and even getting beaten up during an altercation while they were in the queue to get the application form for the connection.

As a result of all the brouhaha in getting this gas connection all their work to try and cause a massive terrorist strike ground to a halt.

But why didn’t they just buy one on the black market?

“NEVER!” cries an indignant Abdul. “Tauba tauba, that’s corruption, boss. It’s wrong. As citizens (albeit false) of this country it is our duty not to encourage corruption. It’s corruption that is slowly destroying this great country,” says the terrorist while assembling a 2 kiloton bomb on the sofa in his flat. “I would never do such a thing…never,” he says a tad emotionally.

Abdul strikes a cool terrorist pose for the camera

Their problems didn’t end with the gas connection though.

“We needed PAN cards to obtain mobile phone connections. Apparently the Govt. has introduced these measures to deter terrorists. However, getting these PAN cards turned out to be another Herculean ordeal.”

“And till we got our mobile phone connections we had to call Islamabad from a PCO booth every night (after 10 PM as the rates were lower then). The lines were so bloody long plus that SOB shopkeeper pretended never to have any change so that he could pocket the balance, saala,” says an almost in tears Abdul.

“I was such an ordeal, oh God.”

“To get those PAN cards we had to go to the Aaykar Bhavan four times. Each time they found something wrong with our form. And now it’s been two months since they finally accepted my form and I still haven’t received the cards,” fumed Abdul.

Abduls’ story is a well known one to every Indian. In spite of getting obscene pay hikes and unlimited free chai and samosas, our bureaucrats have made life hell for the common man – whether they are law abiding citizens or terrorists.

“As a result of all this we missed our bomb making classes in Kerala too,” rues Abdul. “Because of which we had to miss out on causing a bomb blast on the 15th of August. Sheesh!”

“Now we’ll have to appear for the classes during the next semester and try and cause the blasts on Republic Day.”

“Kya hoga is desh ka,” sighs Abdul – a sentiment shared, I think, by each and every patriotic Indian.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

New Form of English Revolutionizes the World

The English speaking world has seen the introduction of many Englishes over the years; from the original imposter – American English to the new kids on the block like Hinglish, all of them have changed English to some extent or the other.

However, linguistics have recently discovered a strain of English which is so revolutionary and so radical that its promises to shake up the English speaking world. They call the new strain: “Inglish” or Inzamam’s English named after its founder, Inzamam-ul-Haq, former Captain of the Pakistan Cricket team. 

What’s so radical about this new form of English? Well, Inglish™ dramatically reduces the number of words taken to express an idea. For example when Inzamam was asked the reason for Pakistan’s loss to Ireland in the 2007 World Cup other captains using more standard forms of Enlgish would have laboured on about God, the pitch and bad luck for ever, Inzamam wrapped it up with the words:

"Inshallah, pitch bad…umm...boys played .. umm … badly… Ireland good … bahuth shukriya."

Using a total of only 10 words (not counting the umms) Inzamam had described a World Cup ODI defeat to Ireland! Amazing!

Linguists say the secret behind Inglish is the use of what are called Keywords™. Instead of labouring on with superfluous words like prepositions, conjunction, articles etc, Inglish™ uses the Keywords™ present in the idea to get right to the point.

Inzamam is felicitated for having invented Inglish

This soul-stirring speech by Inzamam, after the Oval test ball-tampering incident, is taken to be the magna carta of the language:
“Ahem… Balls not tampered. My balls, I never touch, never. Whole Pakistan team see my balls. They good. Not tampered. In tip-top condition. Hair not look at balls well. Hair cheats… Bahuth shukriya.”

Avid cricket fan Ravi Kumar, says the speech moved something deep inside of him. “The brevity and in spite of the brevity, the eloquence leaves you spell bound,” says Ravi, in obvious awe of Inglish™.

In spite of inventing a form of English, Inzy remains a pucca Pakistani at heart. He is seen above playing a popular Pakistani folk game - War.

Experts also say that Inglish™ will lead to huge savings in data storage. A sentence of 10 words can now be compressed to 2-3 words thanks to Inglish™, saving millions of dollars. Says Larry Page, co-founder of Google: “Inglish™ will be a godsend for Google. The number of pages we’ll have to index will do down dramatically leading to massive savings for us.”