Love Jihad Inc. Shares Slump As Competition Captures Market Share In Uttar Pradesh, Other Major Markets

Tweet

From our Business Correspondent

Love Jihad Inc.’s (LJI) shares slumped more than 7% on Monday after the firm gave a weak forecast that sparked concern about future conversion growth.

LJI executives tried to calm analyst concerns during a conference call by arguing that underlying growth is stronger than the top-line guidance suggested. CEO, also confirmed that the firm will be entering new target segments, looking at Sikhs and even the excommunicated Ahmedi community to shore up its top-line.

In spite of this, shares added to losses as the conference call progressed. The stock ended the after-hours trading session down 7.9% at Rs 509.

LJI is a pan-India firm which focusses on converting women to Islam. Currently it business model focusses on getting sales representatives to convert Hindu women by making them fall in love. Highly successful till now, it has been touted as a home-grown success story, a poster boy of post-liberalisation India.

However, in key markets like Uttar Pradesh, the firm is now seeing fierce competition from organisations such as the BJP and VHP, who are making strenuous efforts to recapture the market.

Head of Sales for the North Region, said, “Uttar Pradesh saw a year-on-year decrease of 23% in conversions in Q3 2014-2014 in response to competition pressure as well as events like the Muzaffarnagar Riots. Of course, LJI is convinced that we deliver value to our customers, offering a quality product with great after-sales support.  This is why our firm has spread from Kerala to UP. This competition pressure is temporary and given our organised presence in the region, it’s only a matter of time before our conversion figures bounce back to 2007-08 levels.”

Despite that, most analysts remained more concerned about slowing conversion numbers, with one asking the CEO on the conference call whether LJI is a growth company anymore.

“When our firm first entered the market, we were scoffed at. Our business model of using a shadowy, pan-India organisation to effect large-scale conversions by tricking women into falling in love with our representatives was ridiculed as being absurd: the product of a fevered, delusional mind. However, the fact the other organisations have now bought into our model vindicates us,” said the CEO.

“I believe in Love Jihad Inc and our business model. Competition does not scare me. It might affect this quarter’s results but by making the pie larger, this is in fact good for the Religious Hysteria Industry as a whole and, by extension, for LJI. The BJP is befitting from it now and good for them. Whoever can offer more value to the customer and a better Religious Hysteria experience, they will capture the market. Let the best bigot win, I always say,” said the CEO, signing off from the call.

Note 1: This is, of course, satire.

Note 2: Inspired, in the Anu Malikian tradition, from this Onion piece

[NEWS] Company Releases New Phone

Tweet

Tech company, Apple has released a new phone, making it the 412^th phone model released this year.

Some people have liked the new phone, while others haven't. Most people, though, couldn't be bothered enough to give a flying fuck.

The phone comes in  multiple colours and can be used to make voice calls amongst other functions.

[NEWS ]Times of India Article Published with No Mention of Modi; Nation Needs to Know How?

Tweet

In an astonishing break-through for Indian journalism, an article published in the Monday edition of the Times of India carried no mention off Narendra Modi. Bravely breaking with tradition, the 230-word article did not even once mention or even allude to the Gujarat Chief Minister who is currently making a bid for Prime Minster as well as Chief Benefactor of the Indian Media.

The article started off promisingly, being as it was about the city of Ahmadabad. However, as it progressed, the piece, oddly enough, stuck to its topic without either lionising or criticising Modi. This shocked Ravi Kumar, avid Ornob Goswami watcher and BJP supporter. “I must have read the article 4 times over but no, no Modi. It was, frankly, astonishing. I didn’t know what to do. For the first time in years, I was unable to use the word ‘Porki’ in my comment to the article and could only come up with the rather insipid, ‘Every1 knows that the Taj Mahal was nt bilt by Shah Jehan but wz built by Modi & then said 2 be built by d Muslim Mughals by commieeez just to malin Hindus.’ Sad, I know, but what to do? The Times of India has managed to insert Modi into everything from the Uttarkhand tragedy to the rupee downslide. Last week Shri Shri Chetan Bhagat even wrote a fantastic article where he compared Modi to a diamond. It was beautiful and reminded me of that other classic, Discover the Diamond in You by Shri Shri Arindam Chaudhari.”

“This is ridiculous,” thundered Congress supporter, Nerendra Gandhi. “An article about Ahmedabad and no Modi-bashing? I mean, what the hell! We know that Modi controls everything in the country and he’s evil. Didn’t the Times of India even link the policies of a stand-alone mall with the Chief Minister of a state? It’s absurd that this whole article went by without even once criticising Modi. The Congress' only tactic to deflect attention from its massive failures in power is to make it a Modi-versus-the-rest election. If things go like this, that plan is doomed!”

The article seems to have created quite a bit of controversy and broken new ground with journalists looking at this new No-Modi format to experiment with as they go about their job.

The small article is about a robbery in a house in Ahmadabad. A television set, two pairs of shoes and a gold-plated Titan watch have been reported missing. The police say they are doing all they can to nab the thief.

Sweden Threatens to Strip Sen of Nobel for not Supporting Swedish Football Team

Tweet

In a surprising move, the Nobel committee has taken offense with a 7-year old interview of Sen where he professes support for the Brazilian football team in the 2006 World Cup and has threatened to strip him of his Nobel Prize.

In a light hearted bit towards the end of the interview, Sen said he was an avid football watcher and liked the way Brazil played. To this, the Nobel committee, irritated at the Swedish team not getting his vote, threatened to take the prestigious prize away from him. The Nobel committee is based out of Sweden.

“Is Sen even a footballer? The Nobel committee must strip him of the prize,” tweeted a prominent member and spokesperson of the committee. “Don’t peddle your unsolicited comments on football. We know you as an economist who has sold himself to Brazil.”

Once the news got around of Sen’s opinion, Swedes took to social media to express their rage at this betrayal. Sven Ravelli tweeted: “It’s best if Sen sticks to Economics and keeps his opinions about football to himself.”

Sen himself has expressed surprise at the controversy. “As a lover of football, I should be able to support any team I want,” he naively said.

The storm though refuses to die down. Incensed by all of this, some Swedish fans have taken to distributing images of Sen and his family, scantily clad doing the Samba. “This is the just desserts Sen gets for having the temerity to expressing his opinion,” noted a Swedish fan.

Sen detractors have distributed this morphed photo of Sen (second woman from right) doing the Samba in order to embarrass him

Colourless Liquid Falling from Sky Surprises City Officials

Tweet

The city of Bombay has been caught unawares by an unprecedented phenomenon. Since yesterday, the metropolis has been deluged by a colourless liquid falling from the sky. Drops of the liquid were first reported at 3 AM yesterday and were still falling at the time of writing. Such is the volume of the liquid that roads and rail tracks have been submerged, throwing normal life in the city out of gear. Alarmingly, this liquid has a corroding action on roads built using cheap material. As a result, the city has seen road quality deteriorate precipitously as large potholes have surfaced throughout the city.

Caught unawares by this extraordinary phenomenon, the authorities remained silent for most of yesterday. Sources tell us that the liquid was first sent for testing by the Brihanmumbai Municipal Corporation and was found to be Dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO). A statement was released later on that the liquid was mostly harmless to humans, however studies were still ongoing.

Scientists say that DHMO has been known to act as an aphrodisiac for humans. Caught in yesterday's deluge, seen here are two unfortunate victims of DHMO, satisfying their carnal desires on top of a cart.

This did little to help the city though as panic stricken residents, alarmed by this “rain” of DHMO fled for home, throwing the city into chaos.

The BMC requested for calm and advised citizens to stay at home. “This is an unprecedented situation and we appeal to the people of Bombay to help us understand what the fuck is going on,” said the Mayor whose name no one seemed to know. “We are doing our best against the DHMO deluge, but given that this is the first time it’s ever happened, our hands are tied. We assure the city that we are doing all we can to battle this and promise to prepare the city in case it ever occurs again.”

Man Sick of Corruption Forced to Bribe Doctor to Get Treatment

Tweet

EAST CHAMPARAN, BIHAR: Social activist, Ravi Kumar of East Champaran, Bihar was forced to bribe the local government doctor in order to receive treatment after he was taken violently ill as a result of a 4-day hunger strike against corruption.

Sources tell the Times of Bullshit that Kumar, 43, had embarked on the fast in order to do his bounden duty towards his nation and eradicate the one scourge that was holding it back--corruption. Consequently, he chose the village square as his spot and began his fast-unto-death in full view of everyone, which, as his brother helpfully informed us, was so that "everybody could see he was not cheating".

Things went well for the first three days as Kumar embarked on his crusade against graft. His health seemed fine as well although by the end of the third day he was getting increasingly insistent on the point that people address him as Mahatma or at least Bapu. Having called him Pappu all throughout his life, the village people found this a bit difficult to stomach. However, by mid day on the fourth day an amicable compromise had been struck and it was decided that the honorific ji, as in Kumarji, would be added to his name.

However, only a couple of hours later disaster struck as debilitating stomach cramps hit Kumariji. This was followed by him throwing up blood. Alarmed, his supporters rushed him to the nearest government dispensary which was some way away in the next village. There, he had to pay 4 times the normal amount of Rs 20 to get treated by a doctor who attended to Kumarji while also simultaneously using his little finger to try and dig out ear boogers with considerable vigour. In the dispensary, Kumarji refused to comment on his next anti-corruption move.

Government reveals that Commonwealth Games a practical joke; gag hoodwinks entire nation

Tweet

With a little more than a month to go for the 2010 Commonwealth Games, the Indian Government has revealed that there are no Games, and the event was nothing but a big practical joke on the Indian Public.

“Booyah, India,” shouted Manmohan Singh as he revealed this amidst peals of raucous laughter. “Now you know why we seemed to be so badly prepared for the Games. That’s cos there are no Games, duh! We just did it to show you guys up and boy did you fall hook, line and sinker,” said the PM as large numbers of press-types looked on sheepishly knowing very well that they had been mad fools of right and proper.

“You think we’d spend Rs. 28,000 crore on a sporting event that no one gives a shit about? This in a country where millions of children die of preventable diseases before they reach the age of 5? You must be kidding me man. You think we’re dumb?”

The 2010 Commonwealth Games logo. NOT!

The practical joke was apparently a very well constructed one with dummy detractors like Aiyer set up to “criticise” it in order to make it look a bit more realistic.

“Ha! Aiyer played it well didn’t he? Had you guys fooled to-ta-lly. We were a bit nervous about that; I mean how many people would believe it if a Congress MP went in himself and condemned his own government’s games. But it went off like a dream; nobody suspected a thing!” gloated Singh.

The bits about massive corruption in the games were also, as is evident, not real. As Suresh Kalmadi said, grinning from ear to ear: “How you guys fell for that story about Scheduled Caste fund being diverted to building stadium, I’ll never know!”

“I must admit the Government had me,“ says Delhi resident, Ravi Kumar, raising his hands in mock surrender. “I should have seen through it after that story about treadmills being hired for 10 lakhs hit the headlines. But hats off; this Commonwealth Games thing was an amazing gag. Nice sense of humour these government-walahs have.”

MNIK Sob Story Softens Hearts of Sainiks

Tweet

No spoilers about the movie, by the way. Can't say the same about the Shiv Sena, though.

An insidious plan by the Shiv Sena to send Sainiks into cinema halls disguised as movie goers to disrupt the release of My Name is Khan was foiled, as Sainiks, after watching the emotional tearjerker, were so overwhelmed by emotion that they were unable to carry out orders. The movie’s release in Mumbai was, for the most part, trouble free.

Sunil Joshi, a veteran Sainik, says that the plan of their group to jump out of their seats in the middle of the movie was abandoned mid-way as they were apprehensive that their red, puffy eyes—a result of the emotional maelstrom that the movie about religious stereotyping caused—would make them look like sissies. “Which, of course, is not true at all,” a fellow Sainik of Sunil hastened to add. “It’s just that we are ideal Marathi Manooses—hard on the outside and soft on the inside, you know...that’s all. But you never know as to what the TV channels would make of those images.”

Some other groups of Sainiks failed to act because the movie forced them to change their minds about the morality of their actions in the first place. In fact, quite a few refused to vandalise the theatre they were in after they learnt that Shah Rukh Khan played a character who suffers from Asperger Syndrome. As a Sainik, who did wish to be named, put it: “Accepting Balasaheb as my leader has inculcated in me a new found respect for people who are mentally challenged. I could never do this after watching Shah Rukh play Rizvan.”

Surprisingly, a few Sainiks, after the entry of Sonya Jehan in the movie, even went so far as to challeng the Sena’s stand of hating everything Pakistani, preferring to make a distinction between politics on the one side and things like cricket and actresses on the other.

Sonya Jehan

Of course, most Maharashtrians in Mumbai paid little heed to the Sena’s message, even in some instance openly defying it. Unconfirmed reports say that Paresh Mokashi is even working on a film titled, My name is Kulkarni and I am not a Sainik.

In related news, the beleaguered Bal Thakeray, already smarting from the MNIK fiasco, was further brought under the scanner by India’s premier investigative news agency, India TV, in a report which, keeping up to their impeccable journalistic standards, exposes the truth as only they can:

Eat India Movement Causes Revolution in India

Tweet

Amazing scenes were witnessed today as women power was instrumental in starting a lobby group called WALS – Women Against Lazy Starvation. It aims to unite women of the country against Indians who don’t have enough to eat.

Throughout the country, women have come together in this movement of epic proportions (the biggest since that chap set off on that longish walk to get some salt) to convince Indian men that starvation is something that women just don’t like! As Minisha Lambha puts it: “You guys have to understand that women just don’t like famished, malnourished men”.

Neha dhupia, on the other hand, avers that she “might react badly” if she came across a man who was lazy enough not to eat.

As that dumbass anchor (who’s kinda cute, actually) says,” Women all over India are joining the movement and the message is clear--GET UP AND EAT”

What interesting though is this whole zonal concept where random women with nothing better to do express their views in support of WALS. In fact, let’s hear how the North Zone is supporting the movement

Random Dumbass Chick #1: I totally support the Eat India Movement. Rice is readily available and it’s very affordable, so I urge all the men to go out and eat.

RDC2 #2 (who, I could swear, has a wisp of a moustache): It is really important for Delhi and North Zone men to not be emaciated...because they look better in that way.

Gurgaon rickshawwala: As you can see, I’m bloody starving but that will be gone soon because I’ve got my own gunny bag of rice which is very tasty and affordable.

I’m sure you want your zone to win, so get up now and urge men to eat. Remember the WALS message: GET UP AND EAT!

P.S: If you don't watch Indian TV, go here to understand what this great movement is all about. Jai Hind.

PM Without a Single Nobel Seeks Light and Knowledge from Diwali

Tweet

New Delhi: In an expansive gesture to Indians worldwide as much as to showcase his – and India’s -- multi-cultural affections, Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh on Wednesday lit a ceremonial Diwali lamp to ''symbolise victory of light over darkness.''

''This coming Saturday, Hindus, Jains, Sikhs and some Buddhists, here in India and around the world, will celebrate this holiday by lighting Diyas, or lamps, which symbolize the victory of light over darkness, and knowledge over ignorance,'' Singh said on the occasion, adding, ''And while this is a time of rejoicing, it's also a time for reflection, when we remember those who are less fortunate and renew our commitment to reach out to those in need.''

The Government kept it light and simple. A box of Indian mithai (sweets) was placed on some 150 chairs but there was no food fest or song and dance.

Singh, having lit the diya (a word he handled with aplomb) and wished everyone a ''Happy Diwali and Saal Mubarak,'' listened intently as the priest ended with ''Om Shanti Shanti.'' He returned the priest’s Namaste and then shook his hands before striding out.

Also, in an inconsequential development, Obama, the US President celebrated Diwali in the White house. However, this event was largely ignored by the Indian press, who are generally not starry-eyed about the West and find Diwali celebrations in their own country far more news worthy.

The Nobelman: Obama Wins Peace Prize

Tweet

Barack Obama, Supreme Commander of the most destructive conventional and nuclear military in the world, was awarded the Nobel Prize for peace on Friday.

The news was greeted with unbridled joy and a sense of vindication by many who believe that Obama is just one in a long line of prophets sent by Him to deliver peace, prosperity and good oratory to the world. However, there were quite a few doubting Thomases too who were a bit surprised that Obama could have risen so quickly and whether he deserved a Nobel at all.

The Nobel committee’s explanation for the award, though, was simple: “As the first non-Bush US President after George Bush, Obama was an obvious choice. Here’s a President who, in nine months, hasn’t started a war, hasn’t wrecked the global economy and hasn’t raped the English Language. What more could you want?”

George Bush reacted to the statement by reemphasising that “Human beings and fish can coexist peacefully”.

The Nobel, though, had an immediate effect as the US Government, in a move to celebrate the Prize, has ordered the cessation of drone attacks in Waziristan for a whole day.

Delhi HC Judgement Brings Communal Harmony to India At Last

Tweet

Religious leaders across board showed rare camaraderie and unity to come together as one big happy family and denounce the Delhi HC judgement making homosexuality legal in India. The judgement has bought in its wake unprecedented communal amity among India’s religious leaders—remarkable in a country prone to frequent communal violence.

The Delhi High Court had passed the judgement on Thursday, appropriately invoking Nehru’s words while declaring that section 377 would not be applicable “in so far as it criminalises consensual sexual acts of adults in private”.

Says the VHP’s Giriraj Kishore: “I am thrilled to see our fellow heterosexual Muslim and Christian clergy brothers stand up for what I think is right. Western influences like homosexuality, Islam and Christianity have no place in our country.”

His views were echoed by the Jamaat-e-Islami-Hind who came out strongly against the judgement terming homosexuality as a haram act that only haramis would indulge in. “We strongly condemn the awarding of equal rights to homosexuals, women and other freaks of nature”, opined the All India Muslim Personal Law Board.

Religious leaders are thinking of launching a mass protest programme as well as educate the public about the dangers that homosexuality poses to the country. “We will try and do our best to force Indians to put their privates where we want them”, said a religious leader who did not wish to be named.

Lay Indians, on the other hand, remained largely apathetic to the judgement. In fact, doubts still remain as to the full implications of the judgement and whether it will be applicable even outside Delhi. “Will lesbo porn now be legal?”, asked Ravi Kumar, 20.

In related news, seven people have died of irony after hearing that the Catholic Church in India is opposed to legalising homosexuality as it would “increase paedophilia”.

After Britishers, Congress drives Cricket back to Britain

Tweet

With the IPL to be played in England, the Congress Party has successfully managed to chase the British game of cricket out of India. In a long drawn out struggle, the Party fought valiantly to wipe out all vestiges of the British, including the game of cricket. Mass movement were led which insisted that Indians play Indian games like Kabbadi, Kho kho and ‘Will Your Paan Spit Hit the Wall?’ and tonnes of foreign-made sports equipment were burnt (including abdominal guards, which were anyways too big for us)

The Congress President was triumphant as she announced that, “India does not need European imports, thank you.”

IPL authorities, decried for being agents of imperialism, faced up to the defeat as best they could. Vijay Mallya, wearing Gandhi’s spectacles, criticised the Indian government for being short-sighted. “We had no choice but to Quit India,” he said.

Another IPL team owner, Shahrukh Khan, was shot while he was trying to broker peace. The country erupted in joy at the news that the asshole was no more and promptly went and watched Anurag Kashyap’s latest release, ‘Gulaal’. However, his last two words will forever live on in our memory as he was killed trying to make the world a better place for himself: “Karan Johar”.

Indians living abroad, however, have reacted positively to the news. Said London-based Ravi Kumar: “The IPL was born in India but migrated abroad as soon as it got the chance. This proves that the IPL is as Indian as they come.”

Gay Pride takes Violent Turn in Pub

Tweet

Militant homosexuals attacked a pub in Mangalore last week, thrashing courting heterosexuals in a bid to bring attention to the plight of sexual minorities in India.

Witnesses say that the activists, in a fit of misogynistic rage, primarily vented their ire on the women, thrashing them mercilessly.

The leader of the group, Pramod Muthalik, confirmed that his men had indeed committed the deed. “We did it to protect Indian culture. Throughout our history we have celebrated homosexual love but look at India today. So we decided to give the heteros a taste of their own medicine and to remind India not to ape the west.”

India has several laws, enacted primarily by the British, making homosexuality a crime including the infamous Section 377. This act of violence against heterosexuals is seen by social scientists as a means of protests against the oppression faced by the LGBT community in India. It is even being spoken of in LGBT circles as India’s Stonewall.

Muthalik has vowed to wipe out this “curse of heterosexuality” from the country guaranteeing to remove contact between the two sexes which lead to such “unnatural and unIndian feelings”. He warned of severe consequence for any contact between the sexes, including mixed doubles Tennis matches. “A boy and a girl hitting balls in front of everybody is not good,” said Muthalik sternly.

Fire: LGBT activists burn Valentine's Day cards in Kashmir, which they say are “empty symbols of heterosexual love”. Photo by: AP

Messiah Sworn in as President of the United States

Tweet

The One True Prophet of the One True God was anointed as the Messiah of the United States of America on Tuesday.

Huge crowds gathered to watch the Messiah being baptised by John the Chief Justice. A Holy Book used by Abraham, who the Messiah is said to greatly revere, was used for the ceremonies.

People from around the world reacted with elation and joy to see the new messiah bring hope to a beaten land. The Messiah is expected to end all war and injustice in this world as well as teach Delhiwalas that honking at traffic lights is a sin in the eyes of God.

The Messiah, in his coronation speech, promised America that he “was the way”. He addressed the greatest crisis that the US now faces, the Recession, and criticised Wall Street for “leading us into temptation”. He promised to address the burgeoning trade deficit with China and urged the Chinese to “forgive us our debts” and also assured Pakistan that America would “forgive its debtors” if they reined in terror. In spite of the great anger against the earlier ruler of the Land, the ever merciful Messiah did utter nary a diatribe against him and, in fact, asked the American public to “forgive him for he knew not what he did”.

Verily, the miracle of the Messiah was confirmed in the Promised Land too, as people saw stars, made of White Phosphorous, in fact, rain down on them from the East.

Humans Might be the Cleverest Animal on the Planet, Say Researchers

Tweet

Ground breaking research at the University of Auckland, New Zealand seems to suggest that humans might be cleverer than any other animal on the planet.

John Smith and his team (who have nothing better to do, apparently) presented humans with a series of tests. For means of a comparison, these same tasks were also carried out by langoors, till now thought to be the cleverest animal on the planet.

The first test consisted of the two species being asked to condole a nation in the aftermath of a great tragedy. The humans performed superbly at the task getting extra points for making references to another cleverer species, the dog. Researchers also noticed one human was seen to be extremely concerned with his appearance, taking great care to appear well-dressed to another human who kept on waving, as if to a crowd. What that means is still not very clear. Langoors, it seems, on the other hand did not even understand the scale of the tragedy because they said nothing and just hung their heads, as if in shame.

The other task, apparently a rather tricky one, involved the researchers presenting the subjects with a gun. The humans excelled here too, running off with the gun into a hotel and killing scores of people. The langoors, seemed disinterested with the guns. One of the primates even tried his best to make it into a sickle, inviting the scorn of the humans.

In a variant of the above test, humans performed remarkably when presented with a bomb, seeming to know exactly what to do with it and when to use it.

Further test were far more difficult testing advanced problem solving abilities of the two species. One test, involved trying to show that a company had cash reserves of crores of rupees when it had none. The humans again showed far greater ingenuity achieving the goal with consummate ease and even boasting about it using advanced technology like email. In fact, the same human also showed rare skill in word games using palindromes, reversing simple words like ‘truth’ in a matter of seconds. Predictably, the langoors failed miserably again, failing to even show a profit for the company.

“The concept of immorality is very highly developed in the human species allowing them to carry out tasks of far greater complexity than the langoors could manage,” said one of the scientists. Further research is expected to be carried to by the University along these lines.

MNS Saves India from Impending Doom

Tweet

In a fitting reply to Pakistan’s banning of the Jamat-ud-Dawah, Raj Thakeray has ordered a ban on all Pakistani books in Mumbai. Raj is the head of the bestest and most patriotic party in the whole world, the MNS.

The move is, in fact, seen as being a logical follow up to his earlier move to ban Indians from the Indian financial capital, Mumbai. Raj is learnt to have called for a ban as soon as he learnt that Pakistan has no Marathi people. Raj is also apparently miffed that Pakistani terrorists attacked Mumbai.“Only I can do that,” he is reported to have said

“This ban will prevent the spread of undemocratic ideas from the totalitarian state of Pakistan,” said an MNS spokesperson, explaining the reason for the ban. “Also, stopping the sale of the 30-odd Pakistani books per day in Mumbai is sure to cripple the sources of funds used by these evil terrorist.”

Meanwhile, publishers of those books are contemplating a surreptitious name change for the books concerned to try and sneak past the ban. Mohammed Hanif’s (not to be confused with Hanif Mohammad) brilliant book, “A Case of Exploding Mangoes ” is to be now renamed “A Case of Exploding Oranges”.

Jamat-ud-Dawah Bans Pak Govt.

Tweet

Lahore, 29 Feb, 2013: Buckling under a massive international outcry, the Jamat-ud-Dawah has outlawed the Government of Pakistan and placed its leader, Asif Ali Zardari, under house arrest.

This follows the dastardly attacks on the West Bengal Legislative Assembly by an aging Pashtun who was captured alive by the Calcutta Police. The terrorist appeared to be in some sort of trance. All he kept on saying is, “must kill godless commies”. He has also expressed a wish to watch Amitabh Bachchan starrer, Khuda Gawah. Unfortunately, no legislators were harmed in the attack.

With India blaming elements in Pakistan for the attack, the Jamat’s feeble plea that state actors beyond its control were involved in the attack did not cut much ice with the Indians. Hectic parleys followed which ended with the UN Security Council branding the Pakistan Government, a supposed front for the banned Pakistani Army, a terrorist organisation.

Following the UN resolution, the Jamat has declared the Pak Govt. to be a terrorist organisation and has imprisoned its leader on charges of being one hell of a ghar jamai as well as having a really creepy smile.

Hafiz Mohammed Saeed has also called for a “measured reaction” from the Indians. “This is not a time for India and Pakistan to fight. They would win if we did that. We must recognise that Democracy is a problem afflicting both India as well as Pakistan and we must fight it together.”

Democracy has been a headache for Pakistan ever since the State came into existence. In fact, there are large parts of Pakistan over which the writ of the Jamat-ud-Dawah does not run in the least.

In a press release, Zardari criticised both the Jamat and India. “This is a conspiracy by the Indian Government against Pakistan. My Government is a harmless social service organisation. We severed our links with the Pakistani Army a long time back or rather the Army Generals severed their links with us. I swear to God that I have no control over the Army,” said Zardari trying to dissociate himself from the Indian charge of being the legal face of the banned Pakistani Army.

Zardai however put up a brave face with regard to his detention. “I will fight these people just the way my dead wife fought them. In fact, my detention reminds me of my wife’s detention in Larkana. I even asked the Jamat to send me to London where my, er, poor, yes poor, wife was a mohajir for so many years,” said Zardari.

Fair and Lovely Dissapointed with Obama Win

Tweet

In a shocking revelation The Times of Bullshit has learnt that Fair and Lovely, India was a major campaign contributor to the McCain Presidential campaign.

Says, the CEO of Fair and Lovely, who, intriguingly, did not want to be named:” A Bla, er…man with a wheatish complexion becoming the most powerful man in the world is disastrous for our brand.”

The amount is still undisclosed but the contribution came to light after a thorough reading the of the company’s quarterly report.

A spokesman (well, of all the people you can’t expect Fair and Lovely chaps to call it spokesperson) for the brand denied all wrong doing, though. “It was our democratic right as citizens of India, to support the US Presidential campaign,” says the spokesman, who says he is greatly inspired by Martin Luther King in his daily life.

The Times of Bullshit has also learnt that the brand is planning to overhaul its marketing strategy. Its next catch line will be: “Fairnes which allows you to achieve your dreams, unless you want to be President of America”

Hindusthan Unilever, makers of Fair and Lovely, is also planning to introduce a skin darkening cream in the US to capitalize on the Obama win.

The marketing of the campaign will follow a similar theme to its previous ads: man runs for president; is rejected ‘cause he is too white (not too mention old, very old); he then uses the cream along with the revolutionary campaign theme “Yes, we most probably can” and wins this time around.

In other related news, Michael Jackson has attempted to kill his plastic surgeon after the Obama win.

Raju Chacha

Tweet

In a rational move which smacks overtly of common sense, MNS cadre have bought the capital city of Maharashtra to a standstill, to protest against non-Maharashtrians.

Says a local level leader of the MNS,”These non-Maharashtrians were destroying Mumbai’s culture and ethos. Now you know that we Maharashtrians are second to none. So we said:’ they’ve destroyed the culture and ethos of the city; big deal! We’ll destroy the city itself! That’ll show them! Ha!’”

In a bid to prove that Maharashtrians can destroy stuff better than Hindi-speakers, MNS cadre went on a rampage in Mumbai, first setting fire to buses, allegedly because the buses did not speak Marathi. They followed that up by targeting taxis and auto rickshaws which did not speak Marathi.

The violence was not confined to Mumbai though; it justifiably spread to other parts of Maharashtra, including Pune—capital of the once-mighty Peshwa Empire.

“Pune once challenged the mighty Mughal Empire! Today we Maharashtrians will pelt three Pune Municipal Transport buses with stones to show how great we are. Jay Maharashtra!”, said an MNS leader in Pune, trying to incite a crowd to riot.

Taking a cue from their Maharshtrian brethren, in another extremely sensible, tit-for-tat move, Biharis have taken to destroying railway property in Bihar, including trains and railway stations. Protesters set the Motihari Railway station, in Bihar, on fire as well as attacking several Bihar-bound trains.

“How dare these Maharashtrians inconvenience Biharis”, raged a rioter, while trying to set fire to a railway station in Bihar.

The protests to support Biharis in Maharashtra have thrown the whole railway apparatus in Bihar out of gear, thus greatly inconveniencing Biharis in Bihar.

In spite of efforts to divide the country, Indians, from Mumbai (left) to Motihari (right), have bravely shown that the bonds of stupidity tie us tightly together.

Earlier, Shiv Sena and MNS lumpen competed to beat up Biharis who had come for the railway recruitment exams in Mumbai. The two groups almost came to blows but eventually sorted out their differences peacefully in order to beat up the sleeping Biharis.