Sunday, December 14, 2008

Jamat-ud-Dawah Bans Pak Govt.

Lahore, 29 Feb, 2013: Buckling under a massive international outcry, the Jamat-ud-Dawah has outlawed the Government of Pakistan and placed its leader, Asif Ali Zardari, under house arrest.

This follows the dastardly attacks on the West Bengal Legislative Assembly by an aging Pashtun who was captured alive by the Calcutta Police. The terrorist appeared to be in some sort of trance. All he kept on saying is, “must kill godless commies”. He has also expressed a wish to watch Amitabh Bachchan starrer, Khuda Gawah. Unfortunately, no legislators were harmed in the attack.

With India blaming elements in Pakistan for the attack, the Jamat’s feeble plea that state actors beyond its control were involved in the attack did not cut much ice with the Indians. Hectic parleys followed which ended with the UN Security Council branding the Pakistan Government, a supposed front for the banned Pakistani Army, a terrorist organisation.

Following the UN resolution, the Jamat has declared the Pak Govt. to be a terrorist organisation and has imprisoned its leader on charges of being one hell of a ghar jamai as well as having a really creepy smile.

Hafiz Mohammed Saeed has also called for a “measured reaction” from the Indians. “This is not a time for India and Pakistan to fight. They would win if we did that. We must recognise that Democracy is a problem afflicting both India as well as Pakistan and we must fight it together.”

Democracy has been a headache for Pakistan ever since the State came into existence. In fact, there are large parts of Pakistan over which the writ of the Jamat-ud-Dawah does not run in the least.

In a press release, Zardari criticised both the Jamat and India. “This is a conspiracy by the Indian Government against Pakistan. My Government is a harmless social service organisation. We severed our links with the Pakistani Army a long time back or rather the Army Generals severed their links with us. I swear to God that I have no control over the Army,” said Zardari trying to dissociate himself from the Indian charge of being the legal face of the banned Pakistani Army.

Zardai however put up a brave face with regard to his detention. “I will fight these people just the way my dead wife fought them. In fact, my detention reminds me of my wife’s detention in Larkana. I even asked the Jamat to send me to London where my, er, poor, yes poor, wife was a mohajir for so many years,” said Zardari.


Sri said...

A piece that would do Punch, MAD or the Onion proud. Found you from your comment on Sidin's Domain Maximus - we have far too little writing that's this good AND funny in India. I am glad I have found you - keep the flame burning.

In this specific article, its scarier how the truth seems funnier - much like making business slogans by combination of any three words from three columns, the players (or their names) are interchangeable - this could have been a DAWN or TOI article with just an automatic name switcher! Reminds me of the quote "Lord forgive all the little jokes I play on thee, and I will forgive the great big one you've play on me!

Anonymous said...

This piece is absolutely brilliant, dude.

Superb satire!

And what's more I'm a Pakistani saying this. You've brilliantly captured the situation in Pakistan.

Love the mohajir comment about Benazir.

sidhartha said...

this blog just keeps getting better and better! superb stuff, really.

Anonymous said...

ROTFLMAO! Superb! Superb!

And congrats on getting that award man. You deserve it! Although i feel this post is way funnier than that sub-continent invades China one of yours for which you won the award.

Anonymous said...

Awseomeness!! For and content and the humor!

Anonymous said...

Very well-written, Hades..... great stuff!


Quirky Indian

B said...

omg. it wasn't long before i was so impressed by his wife after reading her autobiography.

Jay said...

Ha ha ha. Very well written. And this could well come true.

Anonymous said...

superb stuff man. I just came across this from your post at the great bong. But this is great man.

darkside said...

Superbly written! Look forward to the updates, on how the ghar jamai is coping with the trauma of being ghar bound...LOL!

Anonymous said...

love the satire, dude! Brilliant!!!

THis is one blog I've bookmarked for sure!

Anonymous said...

"Unfortunately no legislators were harmed" :)
Keep up the good work!

Shoaib Daniyal said...

@Trailblazer : Unfortunately it can. And a lot of Indians are actually waiting for it to happen without realising what a big headache it would be for India if it did.

@Sri : In The Onion! That's quite a compliment, sir! Thank you!

@JD: And I commend you for saying so. It takes guts to agree with criticism of Pak from an Indian and vice-versa.

@siddharth : Thanks, dude.

@Red Soul: Did you? I didn't find the book great or anything. I mean her writing is lucid but that only helps if you're ready to put down something good. The book read like an election manifesto.

@nobody: Well, I think so too, but this post was written after the results were announced.

@Aditya, QI, Rakesh, darkside, nikhil: Thank you.

Hedonist: Yes. I'd love to see a few CPI(M) 'workers' get their comeuppance.

Suchintya said...

This is surely going to be interesting addition to this post

Read the last 6-7 paras

:D :D

Anonymous said...

loved your piece. one day your words will be true. we just have to continue being stupid and dishonest - which is in fact, if one is honest, almost a national obsession.

Anonymous said...

I thought I was reading the onion!

Shoaib Daniyal said...

@Suchintya: Pak will find it tough to contain its own Frankenstein monster.

@astralwicks: There's not much India can do, methinks, which is very frustrating.

@The Dumb graduate: Thank you for that. You're obviously not as dump as you purport to be! :P