Rab Ne Bana Di Ghajini

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I never liked Superman all that much for two reasons—the same reasons I never liked Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi, in fact:

1. How is Louise Lois Lane so dumb? How can she not recognise Superman as Clark Kent? Just because Superman doesn’t wear glasses and Clark Kent does? Of course, Yash Raj Films is a lot more intelligent than DC comics: They make Shahrukh Khan’s alter ego differentiate himself with glasses and a moustache. Quite smart, no? 
2. Excess powers/acting: Can you really root for someone who is faster than a speeding bullet, is more powerful than a locomotive and can leap tall buildings in a single bound? A bit too much if you ask me. What are Shahrukh Khan’s superpowers, you ask? Acting. And just like Superman he does too much of it. 
   

Of course, if you really want to watch a movie with a super hero, you’ve got to watch Ghajini. If Rab De was copied from the love story of Louise Lane and Superman, Ghajini is apparently inspired from the Hulk. 

The movie stars Aamir Khan as a person who suffers from short term memory loss—he can’t remember things for more than 15 minutes—a result of getting hit on the head as he battled unsuccessfully to stop his lady love from getting murdered.  The only clue he has, to take his revenge, is the name of his wife’s killer—her last words whispered into his ear—Ghajini. Imagine if the killer’s name had been, say, Ravi—best of luck finding the killer then, chump. 

Apart from that Ghajini has other delightful stuff to keep you entertained, IF YOU GREW UP IN THE 80s, THAT IS: 

1. A super strong Hero. I’m talking really strong here—chairs break on his back like toothpicks; baseball bats (why baseball bats?) bounce of his booby-like pecks; one punch makes a gunda's head snap around, Exorcist-ishtyle.
   
2. An Evil Man as the Villain. He wears thick gold chains and white pants. I told you he was evil.
   
3. Hero falls in love because the Heroine is a chirpy, happy-go-lucky girl with a golden heart who is seen by the Hero helping out the following:

   i)              Disabled school girls (gets them into a museum)

   ii)            Old blind man (makes him cross street)

   iii)          Poor girls (saves them from being trafficked as part of the flesh and illegal  organs trade)

4. Hero enters Villains den and beats up all the small gundas with consummate ease. He then comes face to face with the Villain. Reminded me of the 8-bit video games I used to play.
   
5. Villain, on seeing Hero, lets out a blood curling battle cry. The Hero then proceeds to beat the stuffing out of him.
   
6. Villain impales Hero with iron rod in stomach. Hero writhes in pain but pulls out the rod and hits the Villain with it.
   
7. Exciting fight sequences with brave camera work…or something. For example, when the Hero swings a punch, it’ll be fast-forwarded, but when the gundas are lifted into the air by the force of the punch, it’ll in slow-motion. Terribly exciting.
   

***

The Aamir is dead. The Shah was never all that alive, anyways. Long live Dibakar Banerjee.

The Fourth Estate

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Spin: (noun) A favourable comment or interpretation intended to bias opinion to suit the speaker’s needs.

[Click on pics to enlarge]

Jamat-ud-Dawah Bans Pak Govt.

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Lahore, 29 Feb, 2013: Buckling under a massive international outcry, the Jamat-ud-Dawah has outlawed the Government of Pakistan and placed its leader, Asif Ali Zardari, under house arrest.

This follows the dastardly attacks on the West Bengal Legislative Assembly by an aging Pashtun who was captured alive by the Calcutta Police. The terrorist appeared to be in some sort of trance. All he kept on saying is, “must kill godless commies”. He has also expressed a wish to watch Amitabh Bachchan starrer, Khuda Gawah. Unfortunately, no legislators were harmed in the attack.

With India blaming elements in Pakistan for the attack, the Jamat’s feeble plea that state actors beyond its control were involved in the attack did not cut much ice with the Indians. Hectic parleys followed which ended with the UN Security Council branding the Pakistan Government, a supposed front for the banned Pakistani Army, a terrorist organisation.

Following the UN resolution, the Jamat has declared the Pak Govt. to be a terrorist organisation and has imprisoned its leader on charges of being one hell of a ghar jamai as well as having a really creepy smile.

Hafiz Mohammed Saeed has also called for a “measured reaction” from the Indians. “This is not a time for India and Pakistan to fight. They would win if we did that. We must recognise that Democracy is a problem afflicting both India as well as Pakistan and we must fight it together.”

Democracy has been a headache for Pakistan ever since the State came into existence. In fact, there are large parts of Pakistan over which the writ of the Jamat-ud-Dawah does not run in the least.

In a press release, Zardari criticised both the Jamat and India. “This is a conspiracy by the Indian Government against Pakistan. My Government is a harmless social service organisation. We severed our links with the Pakistani Army a long time back or rather the Army Generals severed their links with us. I swear to God that I have no control over the Army,” said Zardari trying to dissociate himself from the Indian charge of being the legal face of the banned Pakistani Army.

Zardai however put up a brave face with regard to his detention. “I will fight these people just the way my dead wife fought them. In fact, my detention reminds me of my wife’s detention in Larkana. I even asked the Jamat to send me to London where my, er, poor, yes poor, wife was a mohajir for so many years,” said Zardari.

Spammers are People Too

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In times like these, one feels the little niceties of life are lost. I mean who has the time to thank someone in this dog eat dog world?

But there are some people for whome manners come before all else. Check out this spam mail I got:

Click to Enlarge

It’s nice to know that this gentleman had the courtesy to apologise for spamming my mail box.

I can just see it now:

Spammer’s wife: “But, honey, it’s wrong to spam people. People lose billions of dollars due to it.”

Spammer: “Don’t worry dear. I’ll apologise after insinuating that their phalluses aren’t big enough. Is that ok?”

Spammer's wife: "Awww!!! That's so sweet. Mummy was wrong. You are an awesome person."

Politicians, are, Like, You Know, so Uncool!

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You know what’s wrong with that placard? It’s in English.

How many people in India can talk in English let alone read it. Yet, the hoity-toity South Mumbai crowd had its banners in English to insult politicians—politicians who are elected by a set very different from the demographics of this crowd.

Symbolism of the language apart, it’s mildly amusing to see someone like Shobha De (if you’ve read her articles in the ToI or seen her blowing air kisses on TV) work herself into an apoplectic rage over these attacks. In fact, the whole of middle class India has worked itself into a rage and it has only one target in its crosshairs—the Indian politician. I get E-mails every day comparing Abhinav Bindra with NSG commandos, SMSes telling me about arcane provisions in the Indian constitution which allow me to register my vote for “nobody” and such.

But tell me, dear E-mail sender, what use is it to castigate all politicians? What does it even mean? What use will it be if we go to the polling booths and don’t return a legislator? Will a Parliament with 200 members instead of 545 be a huge improvement? If we get rid of all politicians, who will rule? The Army? Ah! Yes, now there’s a good choice. The Pakistani Army destroyed Pakistan. Why stop the Indian Army from doing the same to India?

I, personally, don’t see any changes in our system coming out of this attack. Yes, E-mails will be sent and apocryphal constitutional provisions discussed, but when the dust settles, the System will remain the same as before. To change the System we need to change the people who make up the System.

However, with the level of poverty and illiteracy present in India, people identify more with ancient codes of caste and religion rather than what’s going on in the Wasabi in South Mumbai.

Maybe the day there is a power station supplying power to Balia, Uttar Pradesh so that an E-mail about overpaid Olympic shooters can reach a reader there, we will see some progress. Till then, I doubt it.

P.S: I wonder if Bindra has got one of those E-mails.