Missing pens send country into a tizzy

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The Government intends to launch a major probe into a matter which directly affects large numbers of our citizens, including you – Where do all our bloody pens go?

Says Ashwini Kumar, Chief of the CBI:” Every year 300 million pens are manufactured and sold in the country; yet whenever you go to a bank or ticket counter or wherever, you’ll have people borrowing pens left, right and centre. Where do all these bloody pens go? Have you ever thought about it?”

Although this might seem like a small matter when compared to our problems like poverty, female infanticide and non-Marathi signboards, it apparently isn’t says Medhakar Pat, from the ‘Every pen is precious’ NGO, whose aim is to “save the pen”.

“You don’t realise how important this is,” says Medhakar. “Do you realise the loss in productivity at schools, banks, offices etc because of the time wasted borrowing pens? The mental harassment faced by people forced to borrow pens from complete strangers? The constant haranguing faced by the few people who still have their have pens by those who don’t?

And the mystery is that millions of pens are manufactured every year but yet no one seems to have one. Think about it; how many times have you found yourself without one and having to borrow from some stranger as a result. Think of all the times that you bought a pen which then mysteriously disappeared. What happens to all these pens that are being manufactured?”

A mystery indeed...

Missing pens, like terrorism, is a problem afflicting both India as well as America

Arjun Singh, minister for Human Resource and Development, responsible for education, has also hinted at the shadowy foreign hand.

“There are evil foreign powers just waiting to destabilise our country and what better way than to make our pens disappear so that we are left floundering just in order to perform the basic function of writing.

It’s evil this plan. I don’t want to name the Government that’s doing this but all I’ll say that its name starts with P ends with N and occupies Pakistan-Occupied-Kashmir. Beyond this, my lips are sealed .”

Disclaimer: This article contains no puerile sexual innuendo. So don’t start laughing just ‘cause you find the words ‘pen’ and ‘is’ in succession anywhere in the article.

Sub-continent Declares War on China over no Cricket in Olympics

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In a shocking move, India, Pakistan and Bangladesh have entered into a military coalition and threatened to declared war on China.

The provocation appears to be the non-inclusion of Cricket as a sport in the ongoing Olympics.

Says, Manmohan Singh, Prime Minister of India:”We had peacefully appealed to China to include Cricket as an Olympic sport, even the T20 version. We were even ready to compromise and have a T10 version, when there were complaints about the length of the game but the Fuck*ng Chinese refused to budge. If they'd listened we might have won a medal and beaten even Azerbaijan in the medal count.”

“Our Pakistani friends and fellow Cricket junkies then contacted us to suggest a coalition of sorts for the greater good of the Game. We even roped in Bangladesh.”

Ashfaq Kayani, Chief of Army Staff of the Pakistan Army, agrees with Prime Minister Singh. “How dare they deny the people of the sub-continent a place on the Olympic stage? We could have easily got a medal, yaar. Don’t forget, we bloody reached the finals of the T20 World Cup.”

Indiscriminate cheating at the Olympics has lead to a clamour for an overhaul of the system, including introducing cleaner sports like Cricket.

The Coalition, with India’s armed might, Pakistan’s superior intelligence gathering capabilities and excellent cooks from Bangladesh would be a formidable foe even for a military Superpower like China.

Sources say that the introduction of some really weird “sports” in the Olympics was the last straw for the Coalition. Some of them are:

Race Walking: Remember those hall monitors in school who caught you when you were running in the corridors? Well that apparently is the inspiration for this sport where you are given a red card if you run instead of walk. Hell! Arjuna Ranatunga, who "walked his singles as far as possible, would be a bloody natural at this.

Synchronised swimming: It’s “a hybrid of swimming, gymnastics, and dance” says Wikipedia. Ooh! All three! Wowee!

But it ain’t no sport, Punk, you got that, huh?

Bottoms up: Synchronised swimming is
all about grace

“How dare they introduce these stupid sports and leave out the gentleman’s name. War is the only recourse,” said a chap who claims to be the President of Bangladesh. Enquiries were made regarding his name at the press-conference but no one was aware of what it was.

We did contact the Chinese Government and this is the statement they released:

北京奥运会决出21枚金牌，包括乒乓球、曲棍球、跆拳道、田径和皮划艇。中国军团获得1金2银3铜，金牌数达47枚，奖牌数达89枚，有望冲击50金以及百枚奖牌大关。在女单比赛中，张怡宁和王楠分获冠亚军，小将郭跃夺铜。另外，博尔特和队友一起夺取了男子4x100米接力赛冠军，并以37秒10的成绩把世界纪录提高了0.3秒。 ”

If someone understands it, please do tell us what it is.

Terrorists complain about bureaucratic red tape in the country

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Bureaucratic hassles have tied up a sleeper cell of three Pakistani terrorists in the Capital leaving them with little time to carry out their plans of death and destruction.

Says an exasperated Abdul, leader of the cell:” Ever since we’ve come to Delhi we have been running after some babu or the other. You tell me how is a terrorist supposed to do his work in peace in conditions like these?”

According to the terrorists, trouble started as soon as they got a flat.

“We had to procure a gas connection,” says Abdul. “This outside-shoutside food doesn’t suit me, yaar…and this greasy Punjabi food, baba. I have to watch my weight, you know… plus the oil causes pimples.”

However getting a gas connection proved to be somewhat of an uphill task requiring them to fill up numerous forms in triplicate, run from pillar to post trying to get some address proof and even getting beaten up during an altercation while they were in the queue to get the application form for the connection.

As a result of all the brouhaha in getting this gas connection all their work to try and cause a massive terrorist strike ground to a halt.

But why didn’t they just buy one on the black market?

“NEVER!” cries an indignant Abdul. “Tauba tauba, that’s corruption, boss. It’s wrong. As citizens (albeit false) of this country it is our duty not to encourage corruption. It’s corruption that is slowly destroying this great country,” says the terrorist while assembling a 2 kiloton bomb on the sofa in his flat. “I would never do such a thing…never,” he says a tad emotionally.

Abdul strikes a cool terrorist pose for the camera

Their problems didn’t end with the gas connection though.

“We needed PAN cards to obtain mobile phone connections. Apparently the Govt. has introduced these measures to deter terrorists. However, getting these PAN cards turned out to be another Herculean ordeal.”

“And till we got our mobile phone connections we had to call Islamabad from a PCO booth every night (after 10 PM as the rates were lower then). The lines were so bloody long plus that SOB shopkeeper pretended never to have any change so that he could pocket the balance, saala,” says an almost in tears Abdul.

“I was such an ordeal, oh God.”

“To get those PAN cards we had to go to the Aaykar Bhavan four times. Each time they found something wrong with our form. And now it’s been two months since they finally accepted my form and I still haven’t received the cards,” fumed Abdul.

Abduls’ story is a well known one to every Indian. In spite of getting obscene pay hikes and unlimited free chai and samosas, our bureaucrats have made life hell for the common man – whether they are law abiding citizens or terrorists.

“As a result of all this we missed our bomb making classes in Kerala too,” rues Abdul. “Because of which we had to miss out on causing a bomb blast on the 15^th of August. Sheesh!”

“Now we’ll have to appear for the classes during the next semester and try and cause the blasts on Republic Day.”

“Kya hoga is desh ka,” sighs Abdul – a sentiment shared, I think, by each and every patriotic Indian.

New Form of English Revolutionizes the World

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The English speaking world has seen the introduction of many Englishes over the years; from the original imposter – American English to the new kids on the block like Hinglish, all of them have changed English to some extent or the other.

However, linguistics have recently discovered a strain of English which is so revolutionary and so radical that its promises to shake up the English speaking world. They call the new strain: “Inglish” or Inzamam’s English named after its founder, Inzamam-ul-Haq, former Captain of the Pakistan Cricket team. 

What’s so radical about this new form of English? Well, Inglish™ dramatically reduces the number of words taken to express an idea. For example when Inzamam was asked the reason for Pakistan’s loss to Ireland in the 2007 World Cup other captains using more standard forms of Enlgish would have laboured on about God, the pitch and bad luck for ever, Inzamam wrapped it up with the words:

"Inshallah, pitch bad…umm...boys played .. umm … badly… Ireland good … bahuth shukriya."

Using a total of only 10 words (not counting the umms) Inzamam had described a World Cup ODI defeat to Ireland! Amazing!

Linguists say the secret behind Inglish is the use of what are called Keywords™. Instead of labouring on with superfluous words like prepositions, conjunction, articles etc, Inglish™ uses the Keywords™ present in the idea to get right to the point.

Inzamam is felicitated for having invented Inglish

This soul-stirring speech by Inzamam, after the Oval test ball-tampering incident, is taken to be the magna carta of the language:

“Ahem… Balls not tampered. My balls, I never touch, never. Whole Pakistan team see my balls. They good. Not tampered. In tip-top condition. Hair not look at balls well. Hair cheats… Bahuth shukriya.”

Avid cricket fan Ravi Kumar, says the speech moved something deep inside of him. “The brevity and in spite of the brevity, the eloquence leaves you spell bound,” says Ravi, in obvious awe of Inglish™.

In spite of inventing a form of English, Inzy remains a pucca Pakistani at heart. He is seen above playing a popular Pakistani folk game - War.

Experts also say that Inglish™ will lead to huge savings in data storage. A sentence of 10 words can now be compressed to 2-3 words thanks to Inglish™, saving millions of dollars. Says Larry Page, co-founder of Google: “Inglish™ will be a godsend for Google. The number of pages we’ll have to index will do down dramatically leading to massive savings for us.”

Country looks to Leaders to Tide over a Bad Time

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Three days after consecutive blasts rocked the cities of Bangalore and Ahmadabad, India is still in a state of shock.

And as in any times of crisis, the Indian people have turned to their respected leaders for succour and comfort. Our leaders have not disappointed either and have risen to the occasion providing inspiring leadership when it mattered the most.

Congress President Sonia Gandhi was quick to condemn the blast. She also added a shocking revelation. She claimed that “people who want to disturb the peace of the country are behind it (the blasts)”. This sent the country into a tizzy as till now the general public was under the assumption that the blasts were carried out by people who did not want to disturb the peace of the country.

Sonia Gandhi shocked the nation with her brave revelations


The BJP too offered its condolences to the victims and made its sincerest effort to present a united face to terror. In a press conference held on Monday, Sushma Swaraj tried to bolster the confidence of the nation by claiming that the blasts were “a conspiracy to divert attention from the cash-for-votes scandal”. In a further statesman-like move to maintain communal harmony she also claimed that the blasts were an “attempt to win-over the Muslim votes which got divided after the pro-American deal pursued by the government”

Sushma Swaraj mourns for the victims of terror

Ravi Kumar, a common man, said, “I feel totally safe. With leaders like these how can one not? I know my country is in safe hands. “

And although with leaders like these I don’t feel the need to wish for too much, I do have one small wish. May God grant leaders like these to the terrorists too. That’ll show them,” says a stoic but smiling Ravi.

Dishonest ads leave people fuming

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New Delhi: Ravi Kumar, a resident of Delhi, has filed a PIL against false ads claiming that the ads were, well, false. (We do need better reporters)

“Ads are nothing but lies,” says Ravi. He says that like any sane Indian he believed in ads too. But then the truth hit him like a truck and he was never the same again.

“I saw this ad for underwear which promised that if you wore it girls would long for acts of a sexual nature with you. Being a true, red blooded, Indian male I immediately ran to the store and bought myself a dozen pairs (I believe in hygiene; you can never have too many pairs of underwear). I was all ready to do IT, man!

But then, a month later, I suddenly realised that I was still a virgin. Things were still the same. NOTHING had changed. It really got my goat, you know.”

Sexed up underwear ads, featuring hunky models, such as this one above, have misled many a young man.

At this point most ordinary men would have gone back to masturbation but Ravi was no ordinary man (although he admits that he did continue with masturbation, “sometimes”). So he took matters into his own hands and immediately went to court and after standing in queues for only three days, he filed a PIL against the sexy underwear company.

And because of Ravi’s brave and selfless act many more people such horror stories are coming to the fore.

“I too realised that ads were duping us,” says Sachin. “I mean look at these cola ads. Initially even I drank a lot of Pepsi to become popular and get a girlfriend like Deepika Padukone, but alas it was not to be. All it did was to make be fat! Now everyone in college makes fun of me … even the girls.”

Research has disproved the widely held notion that drinking certain brands of Cola increases your chances of bagging a good looking girl-friend.

The Times of Bullshit spoke to tens of people and they all has similar heart-wrenching stories of betrayal by advertisements.

“I must have eaten hundreds of Mentos but my prof. still catches my proxies in class,” says Sunil, an engineering student repeating his final year due to a shortage of attendance. “It’s all bullshit….bullshit,” he says.

Interview with God

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Our interviewee today needs no introduction, and I’m not just saying this! Responsible for the entire universe you see around you, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you – GOD!

God in a "light" mood

Times of Bullshit: It’s been a long time since your last interview, God. What’s this allergy to the press? The last time was on Mt. Sinai to Moses, if I’m not wrong.

God: Yes, it has been a long time. Actually I was misquoted by the press after the Mt. Sinai interview. You know how irritating that is for people like us. Hence I boycotted the press after that.

ToB: Misquoted? How?

G: Well see, and this is, I believe, a very serious matter. I had distinctly mentioned one of the ten commandments as: “You shall not covet your neighbour’s donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbour.” It’s even mentioned in the Bible, but you slimy press people misquoted the “donkey” as “ass” and the next day I see the newspapers screaming out:

“God, an Ass man? Tells people not to covet asses; silent on breasts”

It really infuriated me, you know. And since I already mentioned that I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation of those who reject me, I boycotted the press. Simple!

Lalit Modi Disobeys God's commandment not to covet Asses.

(pic courtesy: greatbong.net)

ToB: Yes, this kind of yellow journalism has to stop.

G: Yup, it does. That’s why I’m going to choose my press people with a lot of care. Hence I’m giving this interview to you. After all you have such a pious name.

ToB: Err, yes, thank you for that God. Yes, now coming to the question on everybody's mind – why are you letting so many innocent people get killed day in and day out? I mean apart from the day-to-day killings we have special calamities like the earthquake in China, the cyclone in Burma…

G: Look, my man, I am doing the best I can. But you guys have to have some patience. After all I’m not God you know…

ToB: Ummm, sir, but you are!

G: Yes, yes…that I am. I didn’t mean it that way. It’s just that I don’t have a magic wand you know (hides his magic wand).

ToB: Ok…fair enough. Let’s move on, shall we? What’s this about you suing the state of Kerala?

G: See, in this day and age you have to respect intellectual property rights. Why even Ranbaxy had to bow down before the WTO because of it, so why am I any different? Why aren’t my IPRs being respected?

ToB: You’re talking about the “God’s own country” campaign?

G: Yes, I am. I mean, surely, if you are using my name for commercial purposes I should get a slice of the pie, no?

But this doesn’t surprise me a bit. A state that can elect those Godless commies to power can sink to any depths.

ToB: Yes, the atheists. Words out that you have to love lost for them.

G: Of course I have no love lost for them. Imagine how you’d feel if some pricks, one fine day decided that you don’t bloody exist! You’d me hopping mad too, you would. I hope this interview of yours can prove to those “atheists” what a bunch of fools they are.

ToB: To end off God and this is on every bodies mind, when will you end world hunger?

G: (laughs) God knows, my man, God knows….